A couple of nights ago Kevin and I were hanging in the living room exchanging some casual conversation. It wasn't particularly deep or serious, but I do believe it was a baby related conversation..of course. I was telling Kevin that there is a part of me that's very scared to actually deliver and have our baby here, outside of me.
While the baby is still inside of me, there is some level of peace and comfort that comes along with that. Yes, we're having some problems with the pregnancy and things are not ideal, which could end up jeopardizing the baby; but that's the extent of the "damage". I know the baby is in the safest place possible right now and I'm free from having to worry about anything being wrong with the baby as long as I'm still carrying it. But once the baby is actually here, that opens us up a whole new world. There is a part of me that is fearful that the worst will affect the baby. I know it is not totally rational thinking, but given how much we have had to go through to get here, it seems like, of course, why wouldn't there be major issues with the baby.
This makes me literally scared to have the baby here. I'm not really afraid of the actual delivery, but just having our baby outside of the womb and what that possibly will set us and the baby up for. Maybe it's just all the talk, concern, and preparation we're doing to get ready for a preemie. I really feel scared about it though, genuinely. I don't know how I will handle anymore bad news. Lord, please let our baby and delivery be as normal and healthy as it possibly can for its gestational age. Please.
Also, some where wrapped up into this fear, I am literally devastated by the idea of having a preemie. I fiercely do not want this for our baby. Yes, I know most preemies, and even a lot of mircopreemies will survive with medical intervention. But do I want my baby to only survive because of extreme medical intervention as they battle to reach milestones so they can one day be released from the hospital. No! I'm petrified of this reality. I'm not scared for me. I know I will rise to the challenge, be the very best advocate for our baby, and will go above and beyond to make sure our baby is as healthy and happy as possible. But the very bottom line here is that, yes, even though we will very likely have a take-home baby, I want more than this for our baby and for Kevin and I.
I think people like to romanticize the journey of preemies in some aspect. We like to tell the inspiring stories of how they pull through and battle multiple obstacles only to become their parents' miracle baby. But the sad reality is that preemies, even those born just before term at 35 weeks, still face life long struggles. They often don't reach milestones on time, they have speech issues and need speech therapy, they have learning disabilities -- however small, and new literature also points to preemies being less successful in life as adults and being more prone to health ailments and diseases. The body does amazing things that allow preemies to survive and live very similarly to others, but mother nature dictates 40 weeks of gestation for a reason. So it seems totally plausible that there are long term effects of being a preemie. I feel like I want to adamantly protest this path for our baby and for us. But to whom do I protest?! God? My body? You can't help but feel helpless when you are at the mercy of your cruddy body that has a history of not doing things the right way.
Sorry, I wasn't planning on going into all of that, but I guess I needed to. So as Kevin and I were discussing my above feelings, he validated how I was feeling and seemed to completely see how I would feel this way. I think he sometimes feels the same. Kevin went on to say something that I didn't want to hear. Not because his statement was ugly or wasn't possibly true, actually my thoughts have often echoed his, but hearing someone else voice it made it more real, more true, and I wasn't ready to wrestle the possibility of it being true. It was too difficult.
Kevin said, " So do you ever think that you and I together just aren't meant to procreate?" I know he in no way meant to be hurtful by saying this, but given my current emotional state, I did not want to hear my husband utter these words to me. At all. It was as if I had just learned a really hard truth that I had been running from for a long time. In that split second many emotions flooded over me. I immediately thought, " oh my God, if someone else also thinks this, then there is a good chance it's true!" And this is a truth I am not ready to accept. And if it is true than this means we have just brought a life into this world that may be doomed because of our decision to pursue IVF. And if this is true than it's all our fault that our sweet baby is facing a premature birth and subsequent life long struggles. And if this is true, did we not hear God correctly through all of our prayers when deciding to proceed with infertility treatments? Oh my goodness, the implications were enormous.
I give this all to God everyday. I pray daily that being pregnant, our baby, fertility treatments, whatever it is, but all that is baby--is not an idol in my life, that it is not put first in my life. God should always be placed first and as my top priority. This will enable me to better navigate through the tough challenges we're up against. I HAVE to glorify God through this--for my sanity. It really will make the entire experience sweet. The bottom line: God ordained our pregnancy, as He allowed life to develop as a result of our IVF cycle. So this is His will; therefore, our baby and any future babies all rest in His hands. I feel it through my bones that God is literally writing my testimony this very second, and it's going to be amazing and utterly defining. So glad God loves me like He does!
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