My Thoughts Exactly..

Since I'm home all day alone with my thoughts, dangerous, I know, I can't help but wonder daily about Baby Wicker and his/her fate.

I often think..

I wonder what day within the next two months will be our baby's birth date?

Will we at least make it to 34 weeks? Please..!

How will my next sono go? Should I prepare for being rehospitalized?

I'm so thankful we were early birds and got so many things done for the baby before all of this started. God really blessed us here. Thank you, God, for speaking to both of us and making sure we got so much done.

How will I bond with our baby while their in the NICU? Will the lack of touch from me and Kevin harm how well our baby does indefinitely? Will it harm our relationship with him/her indefinitely?

Will I freak out the first time I walk into the NICU and see our baby? How will I recognize our baby? God, this seems so unnatural!  Will we get depressed, will we quickly figure out a way to make it through?

Here is a quote from a mom of a preemie who had a baby who had to stay in the NICU for months, and regardless of the time our baby may have to spend in the NICU, I echo her exact thought and it already breaks my heart:


 "I felt somehow like she got "kicked out" of my body and I still feel ripped off about losing the last ten weeks of my pregnancy. Having to go home without her was the worst day of my life. When I first got her home, I used to hold her and cry and cry because I felt like a bad mother for not carrying her to term."


 ...obviously this is guilt already setting in for me. Guilt is not of God. I have to claim that as real truth. But I find it soo difficult to push this thought from my heart and mind.  I already feel incredibly guilty that any of this is happening. I feel like I'm totally failing our baby, truly. It's quite heartbreaking to already feel like an inadequate parent before you've even met your baby. 


I'm trying to work through all of this now rather than being in shock later and be severely ill equipped to handle the situation at hand. Our baby will need me to be rational, healthy, and stable.