Busy, Busy

As you may know Kevin and I are smack in the middle of our IVF cycle, which is consuming a lot of our time...I mean my time... and most of my valuable brain cells. So if I'm not worried about follicles, estrogen levels, or getting to my every other day appts ( which takes me two hours round trip), then I do actually have a life. I know, hard to believe.

I actully started working for a local doggie daycare close to our home, which is also the doggie daycare that one of our dogs goes to. Eli has been attending this daycare for about two years so I have become friends with the owner. So about a month ago I asked the owner if I could come and help out a couple days a week. Coincidentally, I started this new venture the same week I started my IVF cyle..not sure if this was the brightest idea, as some of the meds literally make you forgetful and ridiculously stupid. As they were training me at the daycare I had to ask three times how exactly they washed the tennis balls. Answer:  "We put them in the washer at the end of the day....for the third time." Yea, I've had brigher moments. Arg!

The daycare is also where a wonderful dog bite was bestowed upon me today. I realized in this moment that I've officially crossed over. Not sure where I've crossed over, but I know it's someplace far out. My first thought when I saw blood running down my leg was, " crap, I'm gonna be so ticked if this gets infected and the infection interrupts my body's ability to grow awesome eggs the rest of the week." Wow. My body has definitely been hijacked by a combo of hormones and a sad, debilitating past of fertility failures. Either way, I now have a nasty dog bite that could probably benefit from being closed with a stitch (it's deeper than it looks!)...if it wasn't a dog bite ( too much bacteria in there to close it up)..and a really, really painful calf muscle. I certainly wasn't planning on adding 'wound care' to the list of to-do's during this IVF cycle.

But I also wasn't expecting to have to worry about going on job interviews either. I mean, I knew I was applying for jobs, but I have had a less than desirable call-back rate thus far, so I was really planning on coasting through the next 7 weeks with not much else to think about other than our IVF cycle. That's what I get for thinking---I had one interview last week and I have another one with a different agency next week. The one next week will be right at the end of my stimming, which means I will be about as doped up as I can be on hormones, I'll have an estrogen level that's through the roof, and I'll have swollen, painful ovaries that cause abdominal bloating and discomfort. This is exactly what I pictured for a first interview. I wonder if I should use this as an icebreaker...

....And it's my husband's 30th birthday friend get-together this weekend. But I'm really excited about his birthday weekend and I'll make sure to make it as special and great as possible for him. I love, love my honey.

Life doesn't stop does it? Just gotta learn to roll with it and go with the flow. Funny joke, huh.

IVF Stats

I've been a nut who reads alllll the blogs, boards and threads all over the internet learning everything I can about infertility/IVF, etc. I forced myself to take a break from doing this for the past few months, as I realized it was making me crazy! And it actually felt great to not be so worried about every single detail in my fertility journey. BUT, when I got the call from my RE's nurse stating that my day 2 stim Estrogen was "a little low" my default setting kicked in. So I went back to the boards...uhg. Poor, poor choice. So I promise not to do it again. But in dipping back into my previous existence like I did tonight, I realized that I need to keep track of all of my IVF 'stats'! DUH, Kristen!

So here they are:

I'm 111 pounds starting this cycle


Side Effects: HEADACHES!! Poor appetite, no sexual interest what so ever, sporadic outburts, a little wheepy and emotional but not too bad, very thirsty, bloated, nauseated, acne, feeling "under the weather", painful abdomen, back pain, soooore breasts and nipples starting around day 8 of stims and through egg retrieval. Oh my goodness they hurt soo badly. I think this no sex things for like WEEKS AND WEEKS AND WEEKS is NO BUENO! 

About the drugs:  Menupur BURNS!! I think I'm having a slight allergic reaction to the Menopur. Not only does it burn like crazy, but it turns a 2 inch diameter around the injection site bright red, swollen, and sometimes little bumps pop up immediately after the injection, and the injection sites always bruise. All goes away within an hour.  Lupron has made me soo forgetful and confused--badly! Very akward as I started a new partime job. I'm wondering if I should be on baby aspirin? Yes, RE put me on baby aspirin after the egg retrieval.  Get very dizzy after taking oral progesterone. Cystic pimples after getting the postive pregnancy test. I'm suspecting this is from the HCG. Spotting while on Crinone. The Dr. days this is normal, as it irritates the cervix causing some light bleeding. You also have to "clean out" the Crinone regulary. The Dr. said that if you don't clean it out regularly it can build-up in there and inhibit new doses being absorbed properly. Ick!


6/12/11: Baseline Sonogram before initiating IVF cycle #1: 15 antral follicles between both ovaries--Average
AMH: 3.9 ( Good ovarian reserve)

IVF Protocol: Long Lupron (11 days of Lupron before starting stims and will continue thru stimulation)/BCP Suppression---Cycle is a total of 7 weeks from start to finish

Day1- 6/5/11:Started  BCP (Beyaz--The worst!)

6/14/11: Started Lupron 10 IU in PM--No more intercourse from here on out, per RE

6/22/11: Sonogram and Estrogen--No cysts found on ovaries, all is quiet and Estrogen was 6. Lining was 5.5mm, so got clearance to to start stimming over the weekend; Last day of BCP

6/24/11: Period started

Day 1 of Stims: 6/25/11: Start Stims and drop Lupron dose--Menopur 75UI PM and Follistim 225IU PM and Lupron 5IU PM

Day 3 of Stims: 6/27/11: Estrogen Bloodwork--Estrogen 56 after 1.5 days of stimming. RE says this is a little low and my ovaries are a little slow to wake-up. Increased Follistim to 300 IU in PM, keeping Menopur at 75 IU and Lupron at 5IU. FEELING WORRIED!  Also had a job interview today!

Day 6 of Stims: 6/30/11: Sono and estrogen bloodwork: 14 follies equally dispersed between both ovaries, but the ones on my right ovary, which has always been my dominant ovary, are more developed. Estrogen 369. Uterine lining: 6.5. Progesterone: 0.5   So we are going to stay at the same dose of meds until I go back in Saturday for enother sono and bloodwork.

Day 7 of Stims: 7/1/11: ( Kevin's 30th Birthday!) Buying more Follistim and Menopur so we don't run out over the long 4th of July weekend. Saying goodbye to another $1,000 today. ...(sigh)...I think the headaches are finally letting up a smidge since I'm now getting some estrogen back in the body from all the follicle development. Thank goodness. My RE will only let me take Tylenol, which I don't think works well...so it's been a rough ride with the insane migraines. Started to feel very "full" in the abdomen, uncomfortable, and nauseated. Noooo appetite at all. Just feeling all around not well. Crying and feeling very sad over nothing in particular. Awesome.

Day 8 of Stims: 7/2/11: Sono and Bloodwork-- Still showing  14 follies growing. I have to confess, I sure was hoping for more eggies to have popped up today. Uterine lining: 8.1--perfect. Estrogen: 684. It increased 85% in 48 hours. Progesterone: 0.8

Day 11 of Stims: 7/5/11: Sono and Bloodwork: 16 very large and ripe follicles. Largest one 28x26mm. This is way big, Dr. says we may have to sacrifice this one for the greater good of the bunch.  Dr. says I'm ready! Lining: 10.5. I will take 5IU Lupron, 150 IU of Follistim and 75 IU Menopur at 10pm and my Ovidrel trigger injection at exactly 11:30 pm tonight. Start Doxy for the next 7 days. Waiting to hear back on my estrogen results.....estrogen 1600, Progesterone 2.2--it's on the rise.  Hmm...The elevated progesterone lends itself to the possibility of Premature Luteinization. This can be caused from initiating LH ( Menopur) into the stim cycle too early. ( I was on it from day 1) This can  adversely affect the uterine lining and egg quality. Great, one more thing to worry about...although my lining is good. I guess we shall see once we get the info. back from the embryologist.

 This will be my last night of injections!! WHOO HOO! But then on to five other kinds of medications to begin. But so glad none of them require needles! Feeling  very sick, queesy, and just pure "ick". Soo ready for this to be over. On a bad note, my RE thinks my dog bite is not doing too hot. He doesn't want a nasty infection to ensue and push back my transfer. So he wants me to go get it lanced and drained tomorrow. Nice.  Another job interview today also! I was told in the interview I was 1 of 20 that have been selected for an interview...seems pretty competitive. Won't get my hopes up.   Feeling I have too much going on!

7/6/11: Headed to PCP to have dog bite lanced , drained, and to start pregnancy-safe antibiotics. Really? Right in the middle of my already stressful IVF cycle?!  I get to do another lovely enema today before my egg retrieval also. Nice. So PCP said the dog bite is infected, but what I was told may be a puss pocket underneath the skin is really a large organized hematoma, so he did not want to lance it. My RE has me on Doxy to prevent any infections from the egg retrieval, and my PCP thinks this is a good drug fo the dog bite also. So the plan is for me to stay on the Doxy through the weekend, then call my doc back to give an update on the swelling and redness around the wound. He is really hoping the Doxy takes care of it, as he says there is not much as far as antibiotics go that can be given to pregnant woman. ( My RE only wants me on "pregnancy-safe" antibiotics). So we shall see.

 Very nervous about tomorrow! Very nervous about what to expect, how many eggs will be retrieved, if they will be "fertilizable"/healthy...worried about the pain afterwards, worried about OHSS, as I got to experience this from an IUI cycle, so they say I'm more at risk.

7/7/11: Egg retrieval 1030am. Pay $500.00 to the anesthesiologist. Kevin must give his sample and I get to start Prometrium.  We had 14 eggs retrieved, and  Kevin gave a rockstar sample. We won't know until tomorrow how many of those eggs are good quality and/or fertilized. So we wait for a call from the embryologist tomorrow. They will also determine if we need to do a 3-day or a 5-day transfer based on our quality and egg development. Hoping for a 5-day transfer, which would be next Tuesday.
Just got home from the clinic, at this point, I'm feeling like I'm having a really painful period.
7/8/11: We will learn how many eggs fertilized and initial cell division progress. Call from the embryologist: Start Crinone, Medrol, and baby aspirin today. Starting to eat lots of avocado, almonds, and pineapple! Lets get the uterus ready for implanting embryos! Kevin stayed home with me all day!

7/8/11: Feeling great so far this morning. Kevin stayed home with me all day again! I have only had to take Advil once. Last night I began my Prometrium vaginally, but I will switch to using Crinone (progesterone) vaginally and take Prometrium orally twice a day. I also started Medrol ( steroid) twice a day and baby aspirin once a day.  So, currently I'm taking:

Doxycycline (1) twice a day
Medrol (1) twice a day
Prometrium ( 1) twice a day
Crinone suppository (1) at night only
Baby Aspirin (1) once a day
Prescription Prenatal (1) once a day

I am also taking a few others on my own:

Probiotic (1) once a day
AZO Yeast Pill (1) once a day ( to keep me from getting a yeast infection from the antibiotics I'm taking)
Zinc (1/2) once a day
Synthroid (Thyroid) (1) 50 mcg once per day

CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR FROM THE EMBRYOLOGIST!! I'm so nervous!! He or she should be calling within the hour.  This is it, this is what we have worked sooo hard for over the last year and a half. ....well, half of the battle. First we need quality embryos to be able to transfer, then we need those quality embryos to stick and become a beautiful baby in 9 months! Lord, I know you have heard my bazillions and bazillions of prayers...maybe you could just give in just this one time..and I promise to shut up! ...just kidding...just kidding...I know God's plan for my life is the very best plan. But it's soo difficult to understand and my patience is in the red.

Embryologist's Report:  14 eggs retrieved and 12 fertilized. This means that 85% fertilized!! Yea! I guess having rockstar Kevin sperm paid off! :O  Embryoligist said they can't really tell anything about quality quite yet, this is usally something they can tell after day 3 when they look for proper cell division. Praying, praying, praying for awesome quality embryos that persist! She said they will leave the embryos in an incubator for the next day and a half without much interaction, as it stresses them out to move them too much. So they will reassess them on Sunday.  We want freezable embryos to use next time around, for sure. The embryoligist said that usually most of whatever is fertilized end up being transferrable. Lets hope she's right!

7/9/11: The waiting is killing me!

7/10/11: Embryoligist's Report: How are our sweet babies hangin' in:

Out of the 12 that fertilized 10 of our embryos are doing well and 2 are not doing so hot.

The 2 that are not doing so hot: 1 is only a 3 cell today and it is supposed to be an 8 cell by now. The other is a 10 cell, which is a little too advanced indicating that it may poop out in the end. But they will continue to watch them and see what happens.

The 10 that are doing well: Most are all 8 cells, which is right on track. We have 2 that are graded at an A ( which is perfect and the highest grade they can receive) and 7 are graded at B's ( which is good. This grade is given due to some minor asymmetry in the cells and some slight fragmentation around the edges) and we also have 1 grade C.

The embryologist believes that about 60% of the 10 will make it to blastocyts on day 5 and hopefully this will put us in a position to have freezable embryos. Yea! They will not check the embryos tomorrow, as moving them from the incubator is too stressful. They will check them again on the morning of transfer, in two days.

When we go in the morning of transfer, in two days, we will get to sit down with Dr. Le and decide which ones we want to transfer and which one we would like to freeze.

7/12/11: 5 day embryo transfer at 2pm: Acupuncture at 11:30 right before transfer.  Transferred two embryos. (1) 4BA and (1) 4BC. Embryologist told us that one embryo has stopped developing.  Bed rest for the night.

7/13/1 1dpt: This evening had stabbing pains in the uterus, although I'm fairly certain I've felt these same pains a few times before and I've obviously never been pregnant. I think maybe it's from the progesterone stimulation on the uterus. Let all the phantom "pregnancy" pains begin! This is when I really get loony!

Acupuncture at 3:30pm. Embryologist called to say that 7 embryos have been frozen and there are still two more they are watching for the next 24 hours. They will call tomorrow with their status. Yea! 7 frosties!!

7/14/11 2dpt: Feelin nada other than bloated and "full". In a great mood.  Took HPT this am to see if the trigger is out of my system so I can know when I start taking HPT's this weekend and after, should I get a positive, if they are accurate. Results: Negative.

 Status on two remaining embryos: 1 has stopped dividing and the other is still alive..although not great quality. I am having a  VERY difficult time with the lab, as they are NOT wanting to freeze this last embryo for us. Because it is still alive and dividing normally we do not feel it is our right to just "dispose" of it as the are requesting. We would like to freeze it for now despite being told it will never result in a viable pregnancy.  Total number of embryos frozen to-date: 7

Will they freeze the last one for us to make it "8": Yes, this did. But only per our overt requests and pleas. So this means we have 7 "good" embryos and 1 that they are saying will not yield a viable pregnancy. But this is okay for us. We are soo blessed with what we do have ! So blessed!

Out of 14 eggs aspirated on retrieval, 12 fertilized, 11 made it to blasts, but only 9 of the 11 were good quality. 2 transferred and 7 frosties.

7/15/11 3dpt: Nada. Feel totally normal other than really ravenous from the Progesterone. Hit the good ol' dollar store and stocked up on HPTs today. Feeling a little worried as I worked at the doggie daycare today and the AC was out on top of it being 105 degrees outside. So I was miserably hot, dripping with sweat, unhappy, and irritated. On top of that, I was also in the sun and heat outdoors, was totally stressed out by dog fights, and also doing some rigorous cleaning. Hoping this 6 hours was not too much for my body and our little beans.  :(  BOO!

7/16/11 4dpt: Negative HPT with FMU at 3.5 days past transfer  ( I realize this is insanely early to test, but in my defense, it's a sicknes. I can't help myself.) Tested again in the evening---I'm ridiculous, I know. It was, of course, negative. Why must I torture myself?! Stabbing pains down through vagina and a few stabbing pains in uterine/ovary area throughout day. Nothing major. I don't think I would have even noticed these "symptoms" if I wasn't a freak.

7/17/11 5dpt: HPT Negative with FMU 4.5 days past transfer. Feeling a little worried! Or this is too early?!  Feeling nada other than my continued insane appetite from the progesterone, REALLY weepy today, and bad mouth ulcers.  This is what Kevin said to me at lunch today, " Man, you're putting away the food today like a champ (in his defense, he only offered this sweet comment after I reached across the table for his fries after I fnished mine.)"

7/18/11 6dpt: Very, Very faint line on HPT with FMU at 5.5 days past transfer. So faint I had to test twice. Still not  sure if it's an evap line or not. But on the second test I THINK I see some pink in it.  But the second line( If you want to call it a line)  did come up on the second test right away. Headed out to buy some First Response tests today to see if I can confirm a line or a no-line. Please, Lord, I need no more tricks played on the mind. I play enough of those on my own! Third test, a Clear Blue Digital that says "Pregnant" or " Not Pregnant"...said...PREGNANT!! Okay, still cautiously optimistic. Not sure if this is all in my mind, but now I'm totally noticing a lot of "pinching" in my uterus all day today. But feeling normal otherwise. Lord, please let this baby(s) stick!

7/19/11 7dpt:  Postive on HPT ( dollar store--still faint) Wondering if it should be getting darker?? More pinching in my uterus and lower back pain. Feeling really irritable today also.

7/20/11 8dpt HPT's are still postiive and getting darker on the "good" First Response test. But the dollar store tests are not, they are staying about the same.  I think they are able to sell them so cheaply because they put hardly any dye in those things. Arg!

Update: Started bleeding while I was working at the doggie daycare this afternoon. I FREAKED OUT! It was mostly a lot of brown bleeding, but it was more than just spotting. I also had some red spotting and cramping through the entire night. I called my IVF nurse that afternoon right after I noticed it and she said there is no way to know for sure what is happening and we just need to wait on my beta---three days away! She said to just monitor the blood, but even if it turns into a regular period there is nothing we can do. Umm..this doesn't seem right. We know I'm pregnant. I don't want to lose the pregnancy within the next three days as we're waiting on my first beta through all of my bleeding when I know they can move me to a stronger medication to help keep my uterine lining in place.

I paged the doctor later after I sat on the info. the nurse gave me and decided I wasn't okay with the plan. He moved up my beta by one day, which means I will go in tomorrow for my beta. He also said to take more of the progesterone I have at home and to be on bed rest for the weekend. He told me that there could be several things causing the bleeding, but he won't be able to tell for sure until he gets back serial betas---Friday and Monday. He said it could be a chemical pregnancy, a miscarriage, not enough progesterone support, a hematoma in the uterus, twins may have implanted which causes more implantation bleeding, or I could have been pregnant with twins and I'm losing one. So there are a lot of things it could be. Bad news: we won't know for 4 or 5 more days. uhg! More waiting!

7/21/11 9dpt: HPT is still positive.  I am on bed rest and so far so good with the bleeding. I'm afraid to even pee! Lord, please let my bleeding and cramping stop! I pray for God's protection over our baby beans.  There has only been a very small amount of brown spotting today with no further cramping.

7/22/11 10dpt: First Beta Results:  POSITIVE!!!!!!! POSITIVE!!!!! POSITIVE!!!!!! Beta: 222 9.5dp5dt. Nurse said it look like a very strong single baby, although she said there is certainly a possibility of twins. The next blood test on Monday will give us more indication of twins.   No further bleeding or cramping. whoo hoo!!!!! GOD IS SOO GOOD! Lord, let these babies hang on tight and grow perfectly healthy!

7/25/11 13dpt: Second Beta Results: 1050. This is a very strong result!  So it went from 222 to 1050 in three days. It went up 5x's! Doubling time of 32 hours.   The nurse said she would not be surprised if it's twins, but it could also be a single baby.  Feeling so blessed!

I'm a nut, so I've still been doing home pregnancy tests at home after my beta. I think I just want to see the line get darker. ..And it is! Hope this means our beans are snuggling in for the long hual. I've had no further bleeding or cramping. Keeping my fingers crossed and praying like a maniac.

Embryoligist's Grading Summary for all frozen embryos with slow freeze and vitrification methods:

Transferred on Day 5: 4AB and a 4BC ( these were the two that were ready by my transfer)

Frozen on day 5: 4CC
Frozen on day 6: 5BB, 4CC, 4BB, 6CB, 4BC, and 5AB
Frozen on day 7: 6DD ( This is the embryo that they wanted us to discard despite it growing normally. Even though it is very poor quality and it will never result in a baby, we couldn't have it discarded---so they FINALLY agreed to freeze it for us after I put up a fight)

So this means that we have four that are really good and have great chances of turning into a full-term baby, and three ( the C's) that are fair. They told me they freeze these guys because they have seen a lot of succes with C's. But I guess we will see.  I am happy with this report.

8/11/11: First sonogram to look for heart beat(s):

A Whole Lotta "No's"

So today we entered into phase 3 of our IVF process. We started our stimulation drugs! I want this part to be over as quickly as possible, as I will be heavily loaded with synthetic hormones for the next ten days, but I'm also glad to be here because it signals we are making progress through this process--which is a good thing.

So Kevin and I learned together how to mix up all the doses of drugs into one syringe. Lets hope 225 IU of Follistim, 75 IU of Menopur, and 5 IU of Lupron do the trick and get those ovaries producing lots of great eggs! I have to tell ya, I have used Folli-"sting" before, and, yes, it did sting when injected and  that was only a 50 IU dose. Today I just had 225 IU and it STUNG and burned like crazy--and it was a big shot going through a really tiny needle, so it took a while to get it over with. One day down, 9 more to go! It didn't help matters that Kevin happened to stick me in a blood vessel and I bled a lot for such a tiny little stick. What I'll do for a CHANCE for a baby---geez. I must be insane.

So on to explaining the 'whole lotta "no's"title. There is a whole lot that I'm  having to say "no" to through this process, which doesn't make this 7 week process move any faster. No sex ( seems ironic, right. This truly will be immaculate conception if we get pregnant!), no alcohol, no caffeine, no melatonin, which I REALLY  need to sleep at night!, no to certain face creams that I use, no to certain hair treatments I get regularly, no strenous activity ( not such a big deal for me..haha), and no to soy products. AND I have had to start taking a prescription prenatal vitamin, too. Are you laughing at this also. I sure did. A prescription vitamin...really? Vitamin E is vitamin E for the most part. But whatever. I'm going to do the whole deal all the way. If we're going to put $10,000 on the line, I want to know that I did everything I could have done to set us up for success. So that way if it doesn't work, I will know it was out of my control.

Good news is that Kevin learning to be a really great shot giver. yea! From here it is my prayer that Kevin and I remain unified through this journey, as the intensity builds. I pray that Kevin remain steadfast against my hormonal weirdness and for his heart to remain soft and supportive. It is my hope that God keep me as balanced as possible so that I am not too unbearable for those that have to deal with me.  May the Lord keep both of our hearts peaceful, strong, and sure that God's will is precious and sovereign.

So we move forward. Within the next week we will know how my ovaries will respond to the drugs, which will tell us if we will advance to phase 4 or not. Of course, we are hoping for an optimal outcome. We are paraying for anywhere from 10-20+ little eggies. I know, a lot. But this is what the doc says he would really like to see. He also said that if this happens, that I can expect to have very swollen ovaries, which will cause abdominal swelling and discomfort. But I say that's the least of my worries. :)

Until next time, peeps. Lets see this week be the fastest week ever!

Moving Along

Well, I have just been given permission to move to stage 3 of the IVF process. Yea, no more Beyaz! I had to go see my doctor today for another sonogram and bloodwork to check my estrogen level. Apparently, one of the medications I have been on is supposed to block the signals from my brain that would normally be stimulating my ovaries. Therefore, the sonogram today was to see if the drug was doing the job and keeping my ovaries nice and quiet. By blocking the signals from the brain and subsequently having 'quiet' ovaries, this should yield a very low estrogen level in my blood. One on my protocol cannot move forward in the IVF process if you have a cyst on your ovaries from the medication not doing its job or if your estrogen level is above 60. I had no cysts on my ovaries this morning and my estrogen came back at 6. So I got the green light to start my medications this Saturday to stimulate those ovaries and grow those little eggs.

 I will do this for anywhere from 7-14 days, it depends on my individual response to the drugs. After the doctor thinks I have matured my eggs, they will go in and retrieve all the eggs from my ovaries. The idea of how they do this does not thrill me, but I will be asleep, so I guess I shouldn't worry too much. They will get to the ovaries and eggs by placing a long needle into the vaginal cavity along with an ultrasound probe for guidance and then puncture through the vaginal wall and then move on to each ovary and suck each egg from the surface of the ovary through the needle tip. The eggs will then be handed off the the embryologist for assessment, and, later, fertilization in the lab. While I'm having this lovely procedure done and enjoying some ZZ's, Kevin will have to be giving his 'sample' to give to the embryologist.

 The embryologist will then introduce the sperm to the healthy-looking eggs--and lets hope the sperm get the job done. The embryologist will then allow all of the eggs that fertilize, now embryos, to continue to grow and go through natural cell divisions for 5 days. I am told I will be getting a phone call from the embryologist every day to let us know how our embryos are coming along. Embryos are graded on a scale in order to assess strength, health, and viability. So, obvioulsly, they are looking for the best, APlus embryos to transfer into my uterus, which will give us better odds that we will end up with a healthy baby at the end of all of this.  There is always a risk there will not be any 'quality' embryos to transfer, resulting in no baby, but there is also a chance there are many 'quality' embryos. My doc will only transfer 2 top quality embryos, as to the minimize the risk of becoming octo-Mom.  The rest we will choose to freeze and use at a later time--my doc recommends using them within the next 2 years.

So we're finally moving in to the 'fun' part of this process. I am ready to get the next four weeks over with. But I' so glad we are moving along!

Hormonal!

Well, I think I am going to officially classify myself as "hormonal" at this point. My husband is now asking, " So how many weeks am I in now? And can you tell me exactly how many more weeks I have to go?" How many weeks are YOU in and how many more weeks do YOU have to go? I'm fairly certain I'm the one being stabbed in the stomach every night. And I'm fairly certain I'm the one having hot flashes, feeling constantly nauseated, and wanting to pull out a concealed handgun and shoot people on the highway when the cut me off.  And, yes, stabbed.  My husband is not a graceful shot giver and I can't muster the courage to push a needle into my own skin. So the lesser of the two evils is to be stabbed every night in the stomach by my husband. I think he secretly is getting some satisfaction from doing this too, as he thinks he is enduring so much in having a hormonal wife, so payback is sweet. Sorry, he's going to have to pitch that sad story someplace else. Oh, and I can't forget to mention-- I'm not even going to call it a pimple, because it's most certainly an entirely new breeed of skin infection, but I have a HUGE, PAINFUL, DEEP monsterous pimple-esque THING on my cheek. Surely I don't have a nut allergy and subsequently have developed a painful boil as a result of enjoying some almonds the other day. If not, I can only deduce that I can add ' huge, painful,pimple-esque thing' to my lovely list of side effects. Awesome. This makes my day----uhg. May the next few weeks pass by in sweeping fashion! Pretty, pretty please...??!

Money Grubbing!

See, I told you my gusto runs out quickly. For the last week I haven't had much to say, so I haven't written, despite a lot being processed in the head. But I promise to come with some good updates very soon. I will tell you though that I completed my trial transfer yesterday aftenoon and started my IVF medications---the second of 13 different drugs. This process, I am learning, is broken down into multiple phases. I have started phase two.  For me, my hsg test and inseminations have all been really painful, and the trial transfer is essentially the same thing. So I was very worried about the visit yesterday. However, my doctor is super great. I didn't feel a thing--and he did it five times in row! Super grateful! I know I was being a big baby about this whole visit, but I think I've been marred by all the tests, needles, and surgeries. Instead of desensitizing me, its has turned me into a baby!  But I made it through. Thank you, doc!

However, on the flip side, my doctor's front office staff, I don't offer such a big thank you. So if you live in Fort Worth and you need to see a fertility specialist, you don't have a ton of options. There are a few to choose from, all with opinions attached from various sources all over the web. I have seen two of the few in the area. But I favored one over the other, so most of my treatment has been with the same doctor. Both doctors have different things about them that I like and I don't like; there is rarely going to be a time when you LOVE EVERYTHING about someone or something, so I think this is expected. You just gotta go with it.

Back to the point----so my doctor's office is notorious for collecting lots of money up front. They over charge me upfront, then I have to track down a refund--6 weeks later-- after the insurance claim goes through. I have tried to explain my position on their practices time and time again, but to no avail, obviously, as I'm writing about it.  In my case, my insurance will pay for all of  my sonograms, bloodwork, and most anything that my fertility doctor wants to do to me--other than any type of fertility drugs or treatments, such as IUI's or IVF. However, we have a very high insurance deductible to meet every year, which means we have to pay at least $3,000 out of pocket every year before our insurance will begin paying for any of my sonograms and so forth. So until then we're paying at least $200 every time I see my RE, which is often.

This same scenario played out again yesterday when I went in for my trial transfer. Keep in mind we just paid a $1500 bill to their office a few weeks ago. We never carry a balance, always pay immediately, and I have been his patient for over a year. Yet we still get treated no differently than Sally-Sue New Patient. Very irritating. When the same scenario started to play out yesterday I had to pull out all my "evidence" from my insurance company showing I was now at 100% and I didn't have to pay anything for the visit. I then go on to request a refund from an overpayment from my last visit--and again whip out other "evidence" from the insurance company to substantiate my claim. She almost refused to give me a refund stating that I will certainly have further responsibility throughout my IVF cycle, so I should just leave the refund on my account. Out of principle, I refused. I'll wait 4 weeks GLADLY for my $15.00 check.  I'm obviously irritated, as I have to do this once a week with them. She then promptly asked for my $5,000 down payment for my IVF cycle! It's all business!

I know they are desensitized to what all the families who come to their clinic have to go through and how much money they have to find to be able to pay for all of their fertility bills, but GEEEZ! Are you kidding me!? Maybe it was the Beyaz talking, but I wanted to come across that counter and slam her little head into the computer screen in that moment! Equally important, why am I going to have additional charges due for my IVF cycle after we pay $10,000?? Hello--kinda thought it was all-inclusive! Way to exploit women in precarious and vulnerable positions who long for a baby! Money grubbin' snakes....( okay, it's definitely the Beyaz and Lupron talking)....oh, the joys of hormones.

But my doctor eased the pain after the appointment started, as he was very thorough, kind and reassuring. I just gotta find a way to bypass the front office staff from here on out.

In God's Words

Since this love affair with having a new blog is apparently pretty exciting for me, I'm here writing again today. But, let me assure all of you, my gusto runs out quickly, so please don't hold me to a standard of writing daily. So today was a nice day. There are a lot of things in my life that I have yet to share on this blog, and I'm not sure when I will. Most who know me well, know that I can be crazy and 'out there' pretty easily. But when it comes to private matters or those that I guard or that are close to my heart, I don't offer so easily. So we will handle those parts of my life on a day-to-day blogging basis. I mention this only to offer you a hint of understanding as you read future blogs.

Today, though, I do want to share something that was revealed to me. Honoring and loving yourself as God as created you to be is a foreign concept for many. I think most 'know' they are supposed to believe this, thus many may even ramble about the belief of accepting one's self as part of their personal mission or credo statement. However, do people really believe that what their core is comprised of is truly divine and created by the most High God? I can't really speak for most, but I can speak for myself, and it was only through awesome prayer today that God revealed this beautiful truth to me.

Sure, there are always things in one's life or things about one's self that we need or want to clean up after they have been marred by the broken world. However, our innate characteristics were created by God. They are what makes us who we are, and I believe they are truly divine. I learned today that I need to embrace these parts of me and stop running from them. I was given great resilience, motivation, a mouth that never stops, and an altruistic spirit because God wanted me to have those things. Sure I talk too much and can force myself into compassion fatique if I don't watch it, but I was designed to fulfill a particular purpose for God. And how you are wired to serve God is not how I am wired to serve God. And that is much more than okay. That is great! That is exactly how God wants it to be! The puzzle will never fit together properly if we're all trying to squeeze into the same slot.

God revealed this truth with regard to our fertility struggle. I can't speak for any other women who have gone through fertility treatments, but, for us, we have had at least one moment in our journey where we had to go to God about our concerns about fertility treatments. We wondered whether doing aggressive treatments was essentially forcing God's hand.  Are we going against God's will and forcing something that he is telling us no to? For us, this was layed to rest.

Today, in such a sweet, sweet moment, God brought immense peace to my heart. I didn't know that I really needed peace in this area, but God knew that I did. I wasn't actually even praying over our fertility issues when God moved my heart about this issue. He shared with me that I AM able to weather this painstaking and arduous journey because of who He created me to be. It is because I AM a talker and someone who boldly asks a bazillion questions to doctor after doctor. It is because I am someone who is driven, resilient, and someone with a compassionate heart that I can weather this journey. I am able to move through this journey faithfully because of who God created me to be. Now that is freeing.

So It's Feeling Pretty Real

I think I must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed today. I had no desire to get up and do anything productive. Thank goodness for the great effects of a shower! So far today has been a good day with lots accomplished. One of those things that was removed from the mental check-list was following up with my amazing IVF Coordinator, Nina, and getting a tentative schedule for the next 7 weeks. Of course, this does not mean near as much to anyone else, but for me, I feel like I've been given my future by a fortune teller and I can release a little angst over the great unknown just a smidge.

So today I learned that for the next four weeks I will call my doctor's office my second home with at least two sonograms and bloodwork every week. I can handle the sonograms at this point, as all modesty was lost a long time ago in this process, but the needles still make me cringe. You would think as much as I have been poked along the way this would have faded too, but no such luck.

I also got to order and pay for all my drugs today. This signaled that we're really doing this, but also that we're really doing this. It's a strange bitter-sweet feeling. I'm scared and hopeful at the same time. So I get to fill my body with ten different drugs over the next few weeks. My husband may need to get that hotel room after all. I can't believe so many women do this so often. Surely if they all can survive it, so can I. Not to mention, I know a lof of great women who have been through the IVF process. Some of the women are women that I consider to be great and truly admirable, and some of them didn't end up getting pregnant from the treatment and they didn't turn into bitter old hags. So this surely gives me hope! ...and the grand total for today's drugs: a sobering $4,000.

Should we conceive and/or deliver a beautiful baby from this treatment then there is no dollar figure that can be placed on such a blessing, so we plug along. We stay on our knees before God and trust his divine truths for our lives and marriage. He is, afterall, THE one and only fortune teller for our lives. God has given me the heart of a mother. I find great hope in knowing that I will be a mother in some capacity and my heart will be filled-- whether that be to biological or nonbiological babies--either way, equally, they will be my bambino and the most precious of gifts. But our great Lord knows best and we give it all to him---even if it is second by second.

Relaxation and Fur Children

So today was a good day. I had a few things to do, but I could have put them all off if I really wanted to. I stayed in the AC as much as possible today, as it was HOT. It was already 93 degrees by 930am. Wow. But I will take heat over cold any day of the year. So me and the granimals hung out and had a great day together. I love my dogs. We have four. We have Julian, my first born son, a chihuahua; Glory Lynn, a terrier mix; Kelsey, a boxer mix; and Eli, a brussels griffon/pug mix. For all intents an purposes these guys are my children. I love these babies! They are a hand full and require a lot from us, but for all of you who own animals, you know how much animals give to you. They give you no privacy, a reduction in the bank account,  tons of hair all over everything, logistical difficulties when planning an out of town trip and the list goes on an on. But it's all worth it because it's my personal belief that animal  lovers are the best kind of people on the face of the Earth. But I know I'm a little biased. They help me with dishes, they help me carry things, they know how to carry their weight in the household. They also helped me cook meatloaf for Kevin tonight, as we wait for him to get home from school after a 14 hour day. Yea! Kevin will be done with school in August!  Life is good. It's definitely never lonely with granimals in the house. For anyone who wants a furry friend in the their life, consider adoption. There really is a so-called "Green Mile" for animals at animal shelters. And until you have walked a dog down that path as they lick your face, you will never know the greatness of deciding to adopt and not purchase your furry friend.

Positive Thoughts, Positive Thoughts.....AND PRAYER!

Okay, so here we are beginning our first IVF cycle. Super scary! I can't help but realize there is a year and a half of failed attempts, a heck of a lot of money, and our last resort to achieving pregnancy all on the line. Of course we can always do IVF again should this attempt not work, but given that our money tree in the backyard has not taken root, and since we live in the real world, as does our bank account, I'm not sure that it is in the cards unless something miraculous happens in the very near future.


So we had our IVF consult with our RE a few months ago, but wanted to do an IUI in February before moving ahead. And, as I've mentioned, that IUI cycle set us back big time. So this is our month. We had out first ' we're starting the IVF cycle' appt. a few days ago with our RE.  Kevin and I have completed all of the testing that is required before moving forward with an IVF cycle and it looks like we're all clear from all major diseases, so we begin. WhooHoo!


Had my first sonogram of the cycle this weekend and yet again got to track my lovely antral follicles. Kevin joined, of course, and we got the official word on our IVF protocol. I had to start my BCP yesterday and I'm axioulsy awaiting starting my Lupron injections---not really. I have to admit I'm a little nervous about the process. Call me a negative person, but who wouldn't be after like a bazillion failed attempts. There are so many things that could not pan out in this crazy, expensive attempt at pregnancy. Granted, our chances hover somewhere around 60% at becoming pregnant, but am I wrong to notice that there is still a 40% chance I will be staring at yet another pregnancy test with only one line?


So I go back in 7 days for my 'Trial Transfer' where we go through our mock insemination. I was hoping that I did not have to do anything else in this dang process that was the least bit uncomfortable unless I was fully sedated.  As a dutiful blogger now, I also have to tell you that we have to hand over our very large payment on this day, too. I guess I need to start talking very sweetly to our bank account now. So here begins our 7 week IVF cycle. I really can't believe we are here. Is this really our journey? Really? Since we're being honest, there are many days that I still don't want this journey. But the bottom line is that it is our journey so we own it. And it is a journey that I get to share with the love of my life. Now this is something worth being ubber grateful for. May the Lord bless our lives with a healthy pregnancy!

A little history..

I know I have touched on the very real truth in my life that my husband and I long to be called mom and dad, but the sad truth is that my body will not cooperate. There is a ton of emotions that attach themselves to your heart and life when you realize you are now labeled as "infertile" This label holds a lot of meaning for both husband and wife individually and for the husband and wife team. It is certainly a label I never thought I would have. And some days, even more crushing, this is not a label that I want my husband to have to wear. But he is so gracious and such a good supporter, and he completely owns this heart-wrenching reality as ours, and not as mine.

I guess I should catch you all up to speed on where we are on the fertilty journey before I start my newest blog. My husband I have just turned 30 years old and have been trying to get pregnant for the last year and a half. We jumped on seeking help from doctors in getting pregnant pretty much immediately, as I was told by my O.B. that he believed we would have difficulty in achieving pregnancy based on my history. So, that's what we did.

From there, our life quickly became sucked in to the 'fertilty treatment' blackhole: known to some as hell. We got to experience the joys of many, many Clomid cycles, injectable drugs, painful fertility tests, losing all modesty, IUI's, surgery, sonograms, antral follicle counts, dominant follicle size, uterus lining measurements, LH surges, hormones pills and injections, exposing my husband to waaaayy too much about the female body, basal temperatures, and MONEY, MONEY, MONEY--or should I say, where in the heck are we going to get the money to pay for all of this?!

 Oh, and, of course, I can't forget about STRESS!  The stress on our marriage, the stress of having to "perform" and losing spontaneity in the bedroom, as your sex is now planned out for you every month, the stress of a defeating negative pregnancy test every single month, the stress of experiencing short-term menopause from the fertility drugs every month, the emotional rollercoaster, the stress of some of our family not being supportive of our deep hurt and very real hardship, or having them wonder 'what's wrong with her body'. The stress affected every single aspect of our life. And what is the one thing you DON'T need when you are trying to achieve pregnancy??? You guessed it...STRESS! This is a cruel existence.

In the midst of all of the many things we tried to achieve pregnancy while working with two reproductive endocrinologists, we also tried other things as well. I did accupuncture, I change my diet to all low-glycemic goods, did internal cleanses, I went to a nutrionist, holistic doctors, took various supplements, herbal concoctions, and tried so many crazy things per some doctor's advice, I became an insane looney. We spent soooo much money and time, it was crazy! Despite my type A personality, even I became bitter with the process and realized this was not something I could control. I gave it all up--other than just working with one doctor---like a normal person would do. :)

Keep in mind, all the while, I am doing my very best to stay on my knees before God. But my heart was breaking a little more by the day and my spirit was so so weary. I was sad and depressed. It was a very dark time. I withdrew from most things. My day-to-day consisted of an unhappy existence with God and my husband. Oh, how I never want to go back here. I was in a dark valley grasping for a 'why' and answers. I'm still not a 100%, but my placement is sooo much brighter and hopeful. I'm so thankful to be on ground that sits a little higher.

Our latest heartbreak was finally getting pregnant! Paradoxical, right?  We did an IUI cycle in February and found out we were pregnant in March. But it was plagued from the very beginning with very low betas. I will touch on this heartbreak in depth at a later time, but for now I will condense the saga. We finally learned we were losing the baby--our beloved first, we then learned it was ectopic, we had no choice but to terminate the pregnancy--which completely ripped our hearts straight out from our chests'--- which took about 6 weeks to complete (BRUTAL), I then had surgery to remove the mangled fallopian tube our baby was stuck in---and I'm now 5 weeks post surgery. And we're moving to IVF.

So... the journey continues...at least a little while longer..

Hello and Welcome!

I have been wanting to start a blog for some time. However, life happens and starting a blog is one of many things that has been passed to the back burner one too many times. Soo..here I am, finally, chronicling my long road home and sharing it with all of you. It is my hope, I'm sure like many other bloggers, by my writing about my < an adjective to be determined> life, that it may help me navigate through the myriad of questions and answers life that life doles out.  I plan to cover many aspects of my life on this blog: everything from victories, dissapointments, my faith, my marriage, my journey to become a mom, our granimals, and everything in between. Let me tell ya, there's a lot in between. Let the fun begin! May you all enjoy a small glimpse into my long road home.

Caveat: I am being vulnerable in sharing very personal aspects of our life, so I ask that anyone who reads our blog please be respectful of our privacy with regard to the very personal nature of our blog. Please consider anything you read here confidential and I ask that you please refrain from posting any judgemental or negative comments about anything written. Thank you!