So It's Feeling Pretty Real

I think I must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed today. I had no desire to get up and do anything productive. Thank goodness for the great effects of a shower! So far today has been a good day with lots accomplished. One of those things that was removed from the mental check-list was following up with my amazing IVF Coordinator, Nina, and getting a tentative schedule for the next 7 weeks. Of course, this does not mean near as much to anyone else, but for me, I feel like I've been given my future by a fortune teller and I can release a little angst over the great unknown just a smidge.

So today I learned that for the next four weeks I will call my doctor's office my second home with at least two sonograms and bloodwork every week. I can handle the sonograms at this point, as all modesty was lost a long time ago in this process, but the needles still make me cringe. You would think as much as I have been poked along the way this would have faded too, but no such luck.

I also got to order and pay for all my drugs today. This signaled that we're really doing this, but also that we're really doing this. It's a strange bitter-sweet feeling. I'm scared and hopeful at the same time. So I get to fill my body with ten different drugs over the next few weeks. My husband may need to get that hotel room after all. I can't believe so many women do this so often. Surely if they all can survive it, so can I. Not to mention, I know a lof of great women who have been through the IVF process. Some of the women are women that I consider to be great and truly admirable, and some of them didn't end up getting pregnant from the treatment and they didn't turn into bitter old hags. So this surely gives me hope! ...and the grand total for today's drugs: a sobering $4,000.

Should we conceive and/or deliver a beautiful baby from this treatment then there is no dollar figure that can be placed on such a blessing, so we plug along. We stay on our knees before God and trust his divine truths for our lives and marriage. He is, afterall, THE one and only fortune teller for our lives. God has given me the heart of a mother. I find great hope in knowing that I will be a mother in some capacity and my heart will be filled-- whether that be to biological or nonbiological babies--either way, equally, they will be my bambino and the most precious of gifts. But our great Lord knows best and we give it all to him---even if it is second by second.