I don't know if today is the start of something really great, but today was the first day that I haven't wanted someone to put me out of my misery. I hate to jinx things by even writing this blog. I am far from 100% and still feel like crap, but just not the kind of pain that has you laying on the bathroom floor in your towel just praying that you'll pass out and escape some of the discomfort. Gosh, I never want to be there again. However, I'm still not in the answering phone calls or talking to people quite yet. I barely take calls from my Mom and my brother was in town this weekend and he called asking to come over for a bit to see us before he headed back to Houston this weekend and I actually declined. So please all, don't take it as me avoiding you. I'm just recouping.
I have no idea what the difference is between yesterday and today other than the fact that a good friend of mine called me yesterday and prayed an amazing prayer over me while we were on the phone.
I have also been able to eat today. As soon as I woke up and felt the day may have a smidge of potential I took full advantage and started with breakfast, two pieces of wheat toast and some grapes, and then tried to eat as much as I could handle the rest of the day. Granted, it was still a far cry from the caloric intake I usually take in or the amount I should be consuming, but it felt soo good to know that I wasn't starving the baby today.
I spoke at length with my Aunt today who just recently had her gallbladder out. Turns out, although she was not pregnant when she had her gallbladder issues, I suffer from the exact symptoms she had--almost down to every detail. She said gallbladder issues are the worst and its so painful. She said, like me, she often felt like she had the flu, she was ran down with no energy to do basic tasks, often ran a low grade fever, and also found herself without the energy to get dressed after a shower and would have to lay own in order to muster enough energy to finish her bathroom routine. I wonder if the more I eat and the more my system is "normalized", even my sickly gallbladder, if it's actually helping my body to feel better from the inside out. God, I sure hope this is an upward trend! It felt sooo good today to actually be able to sit up and not have to lay down with no comfortable position to be found.
A funny note to today, Kevin must have a natural crafty bone in his body. Now that he has been turned on to my sewing machine and hemmed pants for my mom and I, he has now moved on to a new sewing project. Yesterday he studied up online, watched some how-to videos, and downloaded a pattern for a car seat cover. So he went out and got all the material and supplies he needed. Tonight after work he washed and dried his material and got it all ironed for him to begin his cutting and sewing this week. He cracks me up!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
How Lucky am I
Okay, I'm sure you're all tired of hearing this but given our current circumstances it really comes to light for me more than ever. I have been given the most fantastic husband. I don't mean in a puppy dog, mushy-mushy kind of way either. We are well past that. He's now getting to do the dirty work of those vows we took, and he is rising to the challenge beautifully. Thank you, God, for growing my husband and our marriage and giving me such a beautiful man. I know God does not ordain marriage for everyone, but it's one of the great blessings God can give some women. And Kevin certainly fills my cup.
Here is how Kevin spent his Saturday:
Got Up
Had coffee and read his book " Discovering the Mind of Woman"
He apparently took notes on what he read and shared his thoughts with me
Here is what he said, " I am to show you how to be like Jesus. You are to hold me responsible for being like Jesus.....a servant.....Maybe the pregnancy issues are helping me, through you, to have more of a servant's heart and to be more Christ-like....God will allow both your strengths and weaknesses to be tested, so we can see if we are serious about Him. He will not allow you to fail."
Gave me my meds
Made me breakfast
Fed the dogs breakfast
Pooper Scooped the backyard
Walked the dogs
Did all of our laundry
Washed all the blankets and sheets on the bed
Washed all the throw blankets on the couch from all my loungin'
He vacummed
He swept and mopped
He dusted the house
Made sure I had meds when all the appropriate times came along
We found an unexpected medical issue with one of our dogs, so I had to muster the strength to at least sit on the floor to try to doctor her until we can go to the vet Monday
He went to the grocery store
He got his haircut
He picked up a new prescription for me at the pharmacy
He went to the tailors to pick up the only pair of maternity jeans I have, which were like a foot too long, and needed to the tailored
He made me homemade apple sauce because one of the nurses said fresh apple sauce would keep constipation at bay
He ran my bath water
I sat in the bath for a while trying to feel better and I mustered the energy to wash my hair and my body ( I swear, I don't know what's wrong with me, whether it's the no eating, the gall bladder attacks, or something else, but I literally feel like I'm dying. Like I have the flu times ten. But, believe it or not, blogging offers a small reprieve to not focus entirely on feeling crappy.) By the time I was ready to get out of the shower I had noooo energy left. I could barely dry myself off. Kevin was busy and I didn't want to bother him...again. So I wrapped myself in a towel and laid on the bathroom rug. I don't know how long I was there before Kevin finally came looking for me, but in the end he had to dress me, brush and blow dry my hair. He even put hair product in my hair to keep it from getting too frizzy and out of control. All while I was sitting in the chair in our bathroom. It was all I could do to stay sitting and keep my head up off the counter
He then fed me dinner
Then he fed himself
And about 8:00pm he sat down for the first time and winded down his day.
He worked allll day. My poor, but, oh so sweet hubby.
It sounds like I'm a slave driver, but he came up with this list of to-do's all on his own and let me know what his agenda was for the day.
How lucky am I?!
FYI: I don't know why the look of this blog is publishing so odd looking.
Had coffee and read his book " Discovering the Mind of Woman"
He apparently took notes on what he read and shared his thoughts with me
Here is what he said, " I am to show you how to be like Jesus. You are to hold me responsible for being like Jesus.....a servant.....Maybe the pregnancy issues are helping me, through you, to have more of a servant's heart and to be more Christ-like....God will allow both your strengths and weaknesses to be tested, so we can see if we are serious about Him. He will not allow you to fail."
Gave me my meds
Made me breakfast
Fed the dogs breakfast
Pooper Scooped the backyard
Walked the dogs
Did all of our laundry
Washed all the blankets and sheets on the bed
Washed all the throw blankets on the couch from all my loungin'
He vacummed
He swept and mopped
He dusted the house
Made sure I had meds when all the appropriate times came along
We found an unexpected medical issue with one of our dogs, so I had to muster the strength to at least sit on the floor to try to doctor her until we can go to the vet Monday
He went to the grocery store
He got his haircut
He picked up a new prescription for me at the pharmacy
He went to the tailors to pick up the only pair of maternity jeans I have, which were like a foot too long, and needed to the tailored
He made me homemade apple sauce because one of the nurses said fresh apple sauce would keep constipation at bay
He ran my bath water
I sat in the bath for a while trying to feel better and I mustered the energy to wash my hair and my body ( I swear, I don't know what's wrong with me, whether it's the no eating, the gall bladder attacks, or something else, but I literally feel like I'm dying. Like I have the flu times ten. But, believe it or not, blogging offers a small reprieve to not focus entirely on feeling crappy.) By the time I was ready to get out of the shower I had noooo energy left. I could barely dry myself off. Kevin was busy and I didn't want to bother him...again. So I wrapped myself in a towel and laid on the bathroom rug. I don't know how long I was there before Kevin finally came looking for me, but in the end he had to dress me, brush and blow dry my hair. He even put hair product in my hair to keep it from getting too frizzy and out of control. All while I was sitting in the chair in our bathroom. It was all I could do to stay sitting and keep my head up off the counter
He then fed me dinner
Then he fed himself
And about 8:00pm he sat down for the first time and winded down his day.
He worked allll day. My poor, but, oh so sweet hubby.
It sounds like I'm a slave driver, but he came up with this list of to-do's all on his own and let me know what his agenda was for the day.
How lucky am I?!
FYI: I don't know why the look of this blog is publishing so odd looking.
.
Friday, January 27, 2012
No Fun..
Gall bladder pain, or gall bladder attacks are nooo fun. I don't know how people struggle with this for years before having surgery. Holy cow.
31 Week Pic
January 27th 2012
I weigh 121#--Yes, I've lost lots of weight since the last pic from being in the hospital, being severely constipated from the Norco (which is finally getting under control), and having gall bladder attacks. I just have NO appetite and can't stomach eating without vomiting. But I'm working on getting better at this very minute.
Baby weighs today: 3.3 pounds and measures 30 wks and 6 days in the 36%tile. ( My lack of eating and weight loss has taken a toll on the baby)
31 Weeks and OB Follow Up
I had a 9:00am appointment with the doc today and last night was such a miserable night I had made up my mind I was just going to skip my appointment. This is a far cry from the days when each appointment was prized, coveted, and anxiously awaited. I wasn't even going to call my OB's office to tell them I wasn't going to make it. I was going to be super bad and do something unheard of for me...just not show. ( Gasp!)
So as I prayed and prayed for sleep to find me as Kevin and laid in bed last night, a wave of guilt started to come over me. So I whispered to Kevin that I was not going to my appointment. He said I had to go. I then went on to say that if he wanted me to go he was going to have to drag me and take me. I just didn't have it in me to brush my teeth, put on my face, get dressed, and make the trek there. Well, he wasn't going to not let me go. So we got up at 7:30am and I begrudgingly smeared on some makeup while sitting in a chair in our bathroom just for this purpose. I feel like a weak 90 year old women.
We started with the sono. Again, we didn't get to see Debbie...I've given up..we got to see the sono temp we saw last time whom is very nice. And today, thank goodness, she was very thorough and pleasant. She started with the abdominal scan of the baby. Here is what she saw:
I am exactly 31 weeks today
Cervix: 2.4cm which is perfectly stable
The baby is still sitting in the same position. Head down, literally right against my cervix still, face down--facing my back, back curled around my right side, with his/her butt resting by my sternum.
The baby weighs approximately 3.5ounces
The baby is now in the 36% percentile, down from the 56% percentile for his/her weight
The baby is measuring 30 weeks and 6 days--a smidge behind
Baby was seen on sono practicing his/her breathing. You could see the little diaphragm moving back and forth. :)
My lack of eating and loss of 6 pounds in the last 1.5 weeks has certainly done the baby no favors. This makes me feel just awful, although it was news I was totally expecting.
Amniotic fluid measured 19.5--with the upper limit of normal at 21 or 22. So this is good news. No worries about this as of now.
She also checked my gallbladder. Low and behold, I'm NOT making up phantom pain: My gallbladder was inflamed with a large amount of very noticeable "sludge" and a possible stone inside. Why this was missed on the hospital sono, I have no idea. But I knew all along I was having textbook gallbladder pains. Thank God it was discovered. It feels good to have some validation.
Now on to the visit with the doc:
She said that gallbladder pain during pregnancy can be very painful and it may or may not resolve after delivery, although it is typically induced by pregnancy. I may need to follow up with a surgeon after delivery for a consult on removal.
She is going to put me on Zophran for nausea so I can feed myself because if I can't keep food down then I will have to be hospitalized for IV feeding. uh NO THANK YOU! What the heck, might as well add one more prescription med into the mix. Poor baby.
Although I have never wanted to be induced, times have changed. But Doc won't do it until at least 39 weeks. A LONG TIME A WAY!
She will take me off anticontraction meds, Procardia, at 36 weeks. After this, if I go into labor, they won't stop it. But if I just start contracting like a crazy beast as before and there is no change in my cervix, I just have to wait it out for how ever long it takes for them to go away or for my cervix to start changing. eewww...This week when this happened, I contracted severely for 10 hours with no change in my cervix.
I nicely complained about my awful L&D nurse at the hospital on Tuesday and told the doc a bit about my perspective. I also told her that if she, Rhonda, the nurse, is assigned to me when I actually do go into labor, I will flat out deny her being my nurse at that time.
Don't judge me for having asked this question: The doc told me the only way to have her deliver the baby any sooner than 39 weeks is for me to have a medical issue which warrants delivery, which I don't have right now. For example, elevated liver enzymes, high blood pressure, IUGR..dang it, I can't fake any of these...lol
So we're still praying and praying that no more preterm labor ensues and all of my ailments stay stable because there is nothing that can be done to treat any of them until the baby is ready to be here...8 weeks away! A long time away.
I'm still struggling with the pain I have in the center of my abdomen, near my diaphragm. I don't know if this is gallbladder related, GERD and muscle spasm related, or a hiatal hernia. But it is till very painful today, although it was very nice to be able to get up and out today. Really started my day off so much better than the few before.
uhg..But as soon as I feel well enough I'll try to move back out to the couch so I don't feel so alienated and we can reconnect a little more.
appt., as it was a good visit. I feel very blessed with the information we received and I am very thankful that for today things appear stable. That's quite a blessing.
On another positive note, on the way home from the docs where I was given the great idea of eating mashed potatoes, which sounded amazing, Kevin and I stopped somewhere where he could grab lunch before heading off to work and I could get a cup of mashed potatoes. I ate about a third of the big cup with ease. Yes, I ate it slowly, but I had no aversion, pain, or intense urge to vomit! Yea!! A step in the right direction.
So as I prayed and prayed for sleep to find me as Kevin and laid in bed last night, a wave of guilt started to come over me. So I whispered to Kevin that I was not going to my appointment. He said I had to go. I then went on to say that if he wanted me to go he was going to have to drag me and take me. I just didn't have it in me to brush my teeth, put on my face, get dressed, and make the trek there. Well, he wasn't going to not let me go. So we got up at 7:30am and I begrudgingly smeared on some makeup while sitting in a chair in our bathroom just for this purpose. I feel like a weak 90 year old women.
We started with the sono. Again, we didn't get to see Debbie...I've given up..we got to see the sono temp we saw last time whom is very nice. And today, thank goodness, she was very thorough and pleasant. She started with the abdominal scan of the baby. Here is what she saw:
I am exactly 31 weeks today
Cervix: 2.4cm which is perfectly stable
The baby is still sitting in the same position. Head down, literally right against my cervix still, face down--facing my back, back curled around my right side, with his/her butt resting by my sternum.
The baby weighs approximately 3.5ounces
The baby is now in the 36% percentile, down from the 56% percentile for his/her weight
The baby is measuring 30 weeks and 6 days--a smidge behind
Baby was seen on sono practicing his/her breathing. You could see the little diaphragm moving back and forth. :)
My lack of eating and loss of 6 pounds in the last 1.5 weeks has certainly done the baby no favors. This makes me feel just awful, although it was news I was totally expecting.
Amniotic fluid measured 19.5--with the upper limit of normal at 21 or 22. So this is good news. No worries about this as of now.
She also checked my gallbladder. Low and behold, I'm NOT making up phantom pain: My gallbladder was inflamed with a large amount of very noticeable "sludge" and a possible stone inside. Why this was missed on the hospital sono, I have no idea. But I knew all along I was having textbook gallbladder pains. Thank God it was discovered. It feels good to have some validation.
Now on to the visit with the doc:
She said that gallbladder pain during pregnancy can be very painful and it may or may not resolve after delivery, although it is typically induced by pregnancy. I may need to follow up with a surgeon after delivery for a consult on removal.
She is going to put me on Zophran for nausea so I can feed myself because if I can't keep food down then I will have to be hospitalized for IV feeding. uh NO THANK YOU! What the heck, might as well add one more prescription med into the mix. Poor baby.
Although I have never wanted to be induced, times have changed. But Doc won't do it until at least 39 weeks. A LONG TIME A WAY!
She will take me off anticontraction meds, Procardia, at 36 weeks. After this, if I go into labor, they won't stop it. But if I just start contracting like a crazy beast as before and there is no change in my cervix, I just have to wait it out for how ever long it takes for them to go away or for my cervix to start changing. eewww...This week when this happened, I contracted severely for 10 hours with no change in my cervix.
I nicely complained about my awful L&D nurse at the hospital on Tuesday and told the doc a bit about my perspective. I also told her that if she, Rhonda, the nurse, is assigned to me when I actually do go into labor, I will flat out deny her being my nurse at that time.
Don't judge me for having asked this question: The doc told me the only way to have her deliver the baby any sooner than 39 weeks is for me to have a medical issue which warrants delivery, which I don't have right now. For example, elevated liver enzymes, high blood pressure, IUGR..dang it, I can't fake any of these...lol
So we're still praying and praying that no more preterm labor ensues and all of my ailments stay stable because there is nothing that can be done to treat any of them until the baby is ready to be here...8 weeks away! A long time away.
I'm still struggling with the pain I have in the center of my abdomen, near my diaphragm. I don't know if this is gallbladder related, GERD and muscle spasm related, or a hiatal hernia. But it is till very painful today, although it was very nice to be able to get up and out today. Really started my day off so much better than the few before.
uhg..But as soon as I feel well enough I'll try to move back out to the couch so I don't feel so alienated and we can reconnect a little more.
appt., as it was a good visit. I feel very blessed with the information we received and I am very thankful that for today things appear stable. That's quite a blessing.
On another positive note, on the way home from the docs where I was given the great idea of eating mashed potatoes, which sounded amazing, Kevin and I stopped somewhere where he could grab lunch before heading off to work and I could get a cup of mashed potatoes. I ate about a third of the big cup with ease. Yes, I ate it slowly, but I had no aversion, pain, or intense urge to vomit! Yea!! A step in the right direction.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
You're Not Going to Believe it...Well, Maybe..
I know lately my reads blog like the lowest of the low. I'm sorry. Almost like a fictional story that I find some twisted pleasure is writing to be more and more creative and "out there". Not so much. It's my crappy reality. Yep, that's where I am right now. I have no thankfulness, I'm pissed, I'm miserable, and I'm angry, I'm bitter, and I want it to be over. Never thought I would hear myself say that about my first pregnancy. Sad.
Next chapter in the story: As I have written in my last blogs I was severely constipated from the hydrocodone. I wish someone would have told me that ANY narcotic will cause severe constipation BEFORE I was loaded up on Morphine and Vicodine for a week. Well, constipation immediately ensued and it turned ugly. I mean ugly.
The pain was crazy. I was already having pains from pregnancy stuff, which is why the pain meds were even prescribed, and then to have your entire abdomen become grossly enlarged and every thread of skin on your abdomen being so tight and paper-esque it wasn't even possible to switch positions in bed or sit up on your own...miserable.
Well, apparently the bowel pain and constipation was causing quite the problem inside my body. I had been taking stool softeners daily as usual during this entire time and I had also tried to take Miralax, a laxative, twice during this time, but with no relief at all.
So at this point, I had figured out on my own that the Vicodine was the culprit so on Tuesday I went about 8 hours without taking it. I was hoping that this along with the laxative I had taken may work in unison to get the bowels moving. No so luck.
What I got instead was writhing labor pains at about 4pm. I turned on the heating pad, laid in one position, and took some Tylenol. ( Why do they even make Tylenol, does it really work for people?) No relief. I was having severe pain in the lower pubic area, my lower back on was fire, and I was contracting regularly.
Kevin came home and found me in this state. I told him I refused to go to L&D bc I knew they would do nothing for me. Hooking me up to a fetal and contraction monitor would do nothing for me---no pain meds, and I don't tolerate Terbutaline to stop contractions well--my HR gets way too high,as does the baby's---and narcotics were off the list. So I just wanted to push through. The evening progressed and things got worse. By the time 9pm rolled around I was on the bed room floor, I was rocking and moaning from side to side and Kevin was timing my contractions. I was having them irregulary--anywhere from 1-4 minutes apart, but with each contractions lasting about 2 full minutes ( you time a contraction from the start of one to the next). So to me it felt like just one big long contraction. There seemed to be no end in sight. At one point Kevin said, " I feel like you are about to have this baby right here!"
By the time 10pm rolled around, I was able to have a rational thought through the pain, and thought, " What if I don't go to the hospital and my contractions don't stop and it totally shortens my cervix. This is length I will never get back. What if I do start to have the baby at home--he/she is too young to wait for medical attention." So I felt like as much as it plagued me to go back to that place, I didn't want to be selfish and put the baby at risk.
So at 10pm, 6 hours into essentially laboring, I call my OB and she says, " Yes, you need to go in..blah ...blah...blah.." I really just wanted to give her a heads up I was heading up there so maybe she could call the hospital and let them know to expect me.
We made it there by 1030pm and were placed in a L&D room. Our nurse: one of the lovely two nurses who when I was there last week and in writhing pain, stood at the end of my bed and starred at me and said there was nothing they could do to get a doc and they would just have to give me more pain meds." But I gave her the benefit of the doubt and I was very nice to her.
She gets me hooked up to monitors and wants to take what seemed like an hour long history. I NEEDED PAIN RELIEF...LIKE HOURS AGO!! That's all I could think. Then everything she said turned into a long list inhibiting me getting any pain relief, for real...." well, I gotta go call the doc, I don't think these are contractions--it seems more like bowel pain...the doc can't see you until the morning..do you think a heating pad will help....lets take some more history.." It went on and on. I was literally screaming out with each contraction, banging on the bed side rails, and doing my breathing.
The comments from my mouth ranged from, " Where is God, I get it--He doesn't want us to have anymore kids, I think I'm slowly dying, I hate our nurse, WHERE IS THE NURSE ( she would leave us for an hour at a time), to I want this baby out, can't they just take the baby now!"
Needless to say, I was not at my finest. The entire time the contraction monitors were on me, but for some reason they were only picking up a few contraction here and there and a lot of uterine irritability. I knew this wasn't correct. I may be a first time Mom, but instincts do takeover. And these were contractions, no doubt about it.
Again, I think the pain would have been easier to navigate if:
1.If I would have know there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Instead, I was told I wasn't even laboring!
2. If I knew I was pushing through the pain for a final purpose: like a baby that night.
3. If I would have had ANY support or validation from the nursing staff. I had none. Rhonda, you are on my list.
4. If I had some pain meds to take the edge off: I had none.
I noticed the nurse had my contraction monitor on the upper left side of my abdomen, which upon arriving at the hospital was the hardest, largest, and tightest part of my abdomen--probably from all from bowel distention, or at least that's what the nurse said. The next time the nurse came in I asked her if she could move the monitor to a " softer" part of my abdomen as I thought maybe the current location was too taught to have any 'give' in my muscle and skin in order for the monitor to pick up a contraction. She obliged without saying a word. Within minutes, contractions--lots of them and big ones--were all over the screen. Nurse Rhonda's response: " Well sometimes if you get the monitoring probe just right it can be way more sensitive, kinda over sensitive, and pick up a lot more activity than there is." My next thought: I'M GOING TO HIT THIS MEAN OLD LADY IN THE FACE. WHAT MORE PROOF DOES SHE NEED? DOES SHE NOT SEE ME CRYING OUT IN PAIN....FOR HOURS!
At some point in here the nurse gave me an enema. A gool ol' fashion soapy/water/castor oil made in an IV bag and then hung from an IV pole to use gravity in our favor. Man, it was lovely. I was getting a large amount of fluid squeezed into my already space deficient intestines while my abdomen was stretch so tight I thought skin flakes would come flying off at any moment, and while I was contracting---still with no pain relief.
Kevin sat by my head and tried to divert my focus as the nurse was giving me the enema, not that it was likely, but he was a trooper with me. So I got the enema done, which did cause some severe abdominal cramping and pain as it got the intestines moving after 8 days--but I had expected this. It did yield results and I had some relief afterwards, although I knew my intestine still had some cleaning out to go. My stomach felt awfully unsettled and queesy. And it was still rock hard.
After my nurse made me wait even longer to "watch and record" all of my contractions on paper for about an hour, she finally returned at 3am and uttered, " Well, it looks like your contracting (WOW, you're a sharp one, aren't you?!), so we're going to give you some IV fluids to hydrate you and I got an order of Morphine if you would like some Morphine." I'm sorry, please forgive me, but all I could think was, 'Yes, I'll take the Morphine, and am I in the twilight zone..what is happening here..I really can't believe this hospital or nurse." And I switched OB's in order to deliver at this hospital?? I've been in the hospital now for 4 hours in the exact same state other than an enema and Milk of Magnesia.
I had been laboring for 11 hours straight and I was exhausted and one unhappy lady. I truly felt hopeless like this was never going to end and there was no one to help me. Other than Kevin. After starting the IV, my contraction never slowed down. The nurse manually checked my cervix and said it was closed or maybe a fingertip dilated, and soft, and she couldn't tell the length of it. The then gave me a shot of terbutaline again. Again, I did not tolerate it well and it shot my HR up to 145 immediately which took hours to come back down, so I was not a candidate for further injections to stop the contractions, as the one injection didn't do the trick. I was still contracting.
So at 4am I was given a small dose of Morphine and Ambien and was told to try to sleep while I was still contracting, having horrible back labor pains, and strapped down with two belly monitors. Ya, I think sleep was definitely going to happen. Not to mention I had to manage all the wires and finagle my beat body to the restroom every 20 minutes to pee from the IV fluids.
Needless to say, I never slept. I laid awake miserable watching the clock waiting on my OB to come by and see me. Kevin caught a couple of hours of sleep on an uncomfortable chair before he had to head off to care for the dogs and go to work. He doesn't exactly have an understanding boss. So there was no skipping work.
My OB came by and the only important thing she said was that she was increasing my anticontraction med, Procardia, up to 20mg from 10 mg every 6 hours and that I would follow up with her in her office on Friday for an exam and sonogram.
About 10 am I was moved into a antepartum room and got a great nurse whom I loved! Super nice and so understanding and caring. Thank God! Thank you, Jaime. I stayed in bed in a dark room without eating a single thing all day---I've also had a severe problem with no appetite--and tried to sleep the entire day. I literally felt like I had been run over by a truck. My stomach was still super queesy and even though my contractions had finally come to a minimum, my entire abdomen was soo tight and rock hard.
Since there was no change through the day, I was released about 6pm on Wednesday. Since I had not really eaten too much of anything in about 2 weeks, I was given strict instructions for Boosts protein drinks and 6 small meals a day and 90 ounces of water a day. The bottom line: I have to eat. I feel so sickly and miserable, it's just horrible. I wanted to love my pregnancy and this is just the opposite. I'm plagued with feelings of having harmed the baby by all the meds I've had to take and the lack of recent nutrition--I feel so sorry for our baby. I feel so guilty. My doc assures me that baby is fine nutritional and that it's me that will become nutritional deficient, not the baby. She says I have stores in my body that the baby is using. I don't know about this, it seems like a reach for two weeks, but it is what it is.
So this is the latest. Now I am in bed, feeling like crap, without pain meds, and forcing down water and food. I can tell the baby is loving having food back on board--lots of moving now that he/she is getting calories again. Please, please pray that I do not go back into labor again. There is not much else they can do, and unless my cervix just opens and is ready to deliver, which it hasn't done so far, they won't deliver the baby. So my only option is to keep cooking this baby. Which, of course, I wan't to do, but I also don't want to be writhing in pain the entire time and completely miserable. I want to enjoy this pregnancy. And up until Mid-December, I really was. I'm think it's safe to say I may be over having this baby naturally as planned. I kinda feel like I have done my time in misery-land and from here on out I wan't to be as comfortable as possible.
Next chapter in the story: As I have written in my last blogs I was severely constipated from the hydrocodone. I wish someone would have told me that ANY narcotic will cause severe constipation BEFORE I was loaded up on Morphine and Vicodine for a week. Well, constipation immediately ensued and it turned ugly. I mean ugly.
The pain was crazy. I was already having pains from pregnancy stuff, which is why the pain meds were even prescribed, and then to have your entire abdomen become grossly enlarged and every thread of skin on your abdomen being so tight and paper-esque it wasn't even possible to switch positions in bed or sit up on your own...miserable.
Well, apparently the bowel pain and constipation was causing quite the problem inside my body. I had been taking stool softeners daily as usual during this entire time and I had also tried to take Miralax, a laxative, twice during this time, but with no relief at all.
So at this point, I had figured out on my own that the Vicodine was the culprit so on Tuesday I went about 8 hours without taking it. I was hoping that this along with the laxative I had taken may work in unison to get the bowels moving. No so luck.
What I got instead was writhing labor pains at about 4pm. I turned on the heating pad, laid in one position, and took some Tylenol. ( Why do they even make Tylenol, does it really work for people?) No relief. I was having severe pain in the lower pubic area, my lower back on was fire, and I was contracting regularly.
Kevin came home and found me in this state. I told him I refused to go to L&D bc I knew they would do nothing for me. Hooking me up to a fetal and contraction monitor would do nothing for me---no pain meds, and I don't tolerate Terbutaline to stop contractions well--my HR gets way too high,as does the baby's---and narcotics were off the list. So I just wanted to push through. The evening progressed and things got worse. By the time 9pm rolled around I was on the bed room floor, I was rocking and moaning from side to side and Kevin was timing my contractions. I was having them irregulary--anywhere from 1-4 minutes apart, but with each contractions lasting about 2 full minutes ( you time a contraction from the start of one to the next). So to me it felt like just one big long contraction. There seemed to be no end in sight. At one point Kevin said, " I feel like you are about to have this baby right here!"
By the time 10pm rolled around, I was able to have a rational thought through the pain, and thought, " What if I don't go to the hospital and my contractions don't stop and it totally shortens my cervix. This is length I will never get back. What if I do start to have the baby at home--he/she is too young to wait for medical attention." So I felt like as much as it plagued me to go back to that place, I didn't want to be selfish and put the baby at risk.
So at 10pm, 6 hours into essentially laboring, I call my OB and she says, " Yes, you need to go in..blah ...blah...blah.." I really just wanted to give her a heads up I was heading up there so maybe she could call the hospital and let them know to expect me.
We made it there by 1030pm and were placed in a L&D room. Our nurse: one of the lovely two nurses who when I was there last week and in writhing pain, stood at the end of my bed and starred at me and said there was nothing they could do to get a doc and they would just have to give me more pain meds." But I gave her the benefit of the doubt and I was very nice to her.
She gets me hooked up to monitors and wants to take what seemed like an hour long history. I NEEDED PAIN RELIEF...LIKE HOURS AGO!! That's all I could think. Then everything she said turned into a long list inhibiting me getting any pain relief, for real...." well, I gotta go call the doc, I don't think these are contractions--it seems more like bowel pain...the doc can't see you until the morning..do you think a heating pad will help....lets take some more history.." It went on and on. I was literally screaming out with each contraction, banging on the bed side rails, and doing my breathing.
The comments from my mouth ranged from, " Where is God, I get it--He doesn't want us to have anymore kids, I think I'm slowly dying, I hate our nurse, WHERE IS THE NURSE ( she would leave us for an hour at a time), to I want this baby out, can't they just take the baby now!"
Needless to say, I was not at my finest. The entire time the contraction monitors were on me, but for some reason they were only picking up a few contraction here and there and a lot of uterine irritability. I knew this wasn't correct. I may be a first time Mom, but instincts do takeover. And these were contractions, no doubt about it.
Again, I think the pain would have been easier to navigate if:
1.If I would have know there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Instead, I was told I wasn't even laboring!
2. If I knew I was pushing through the pain for a final purpose: like a baby that night.
3. If I would have had ANY support or validation from the nursing staff. I had none. Rhonda, you are on my list.
4. If I had some pain meds to take the edge off: I had none.
I noticed the nurse had my contraction monitor on the upper left side of my abdomen, which upon arriving at the hospital was the hardest, largest, and tightest part of my abdomen--probably from all from bowel distention, or at least that's what the nurse said. The next time the nurse came in I asked her if she could move the monitor to a " softer" part of my abdomen as I thought maybe the current location was too taught to have any 'give' in my muscle and skin in order for the monitor to pick up a contraction. She obliged without saying a word. Within minutes, contractions--lots of them and big ones--were all over the screen. Nurse Rhonda's response: " Well sometimes if you get the monitoring probe just right it can be way more sensitive, kinda over sensitive, and pick up a lot more activity than there is." My next thought: I'M GOING TO HIT THIS MEAN OLD LADY IN THE FACE. WHAT MORE PROOF DOES SHE NEED? DOES SHE NOT SEE ME CRYING OUT IN PAIN....FOR HOURS!
At some point in here the nurse gave me an enema. A gool ol' fashion soapy/water/castor oil made in an IV bag and then hung from an IV pole to use gravity in our favor. Man, it was lovely. I was getting a large amount of fluid squeezed into my already space deficient intestines while my abdomen was stretch so tight I thought skin flakes would come flying off at any moment, and while I was contracting---still with no pain relief.
Kevin sat by my head and tried to divert my focus as the nurse was giving me the enema, not that it was likely, but he was a trooper with me. So I got the enema done, which did cause some severe abdominal cramping and pain as it got the intestines moving after 8 days--but I had expected this. It did yield results and I had some relief afterwards, although I knew my intestine still had some cleaning out to go. My stomach felt awfully unsettled and queesy. And it was still rock hard.
After my nurse made me wait even longer to "watch and record" all of my contractions on paper for about an hour, she finally returned at 3am and uttered, " Well, it looks like your contracting (WOW, you're a sharp one, aren't you?!), so we're going to give you some IV fluids to hydrate you and I got an order of Morphine if you would like some Morphine." I'm sorry, please forgive me, but all I could think was, 'Yes, I'll take the Morphine, and am I in the twilight zone..what is happening here..I really can't believe this hospital or nurse." And I switched OB's in order to deliver at this hospital?? I've been in the hospital now for 4 hours in the exact same state other than an enema and Milk of Magnesia.
I had been laboring for 11 hours straight and I was exhausted and one unhappy lady. I truly felt hopeless like this was never going to end and there was no one to help me. Other than Kevin. After starting the IV, my contraction never slowed down. The nurse manually checked my cervix and said it was closed or maybe a fingertip dilated, and soft, and she couldn't tell the length of it. The then gave me a shot of terbutaline again. Again, I did not tolerate it well and it shot my HR up to 145 immediately which took hours to come back down, so I was not a candidate for further injections to stop the contractions, as the one injection didn't do the trick. I was still contracting.
So at 4am I was given a small dose of Morphine and Ambien and was told to try to sleep while I was still contracting, having horrible back labor pains, and strapped down with two belly monitors. Ya, I think sleep was definitely going to happen. Not to mention I had to manage all the wires and finagle my beat body to the restroom every 20 minutes to pee from the IV fluids.
Needless to say, I never slept. I laid awake miserable watching the clock waiting on my OB to come by and see me. Kevin caught a couple of hours of sleep on an uncomfortable chair before he had to head off to care for the dogs and go to work. He doesn't exactly have an understanding boss. So there was no skipping work.
My OB came by and the only important thing she said was that she was increasing my anticontraction med, Procardia, up to 20mg from 10 mg every 6 hours and that I would follow up with her in her office on Friday for an exam and sonogram.
About 10 am I was moved into a antepartum room and got a great nurse whom I loved! Super nice and so understanding and caring. Thank God! Thank you, Jaime. I stayed in bed in a dark room without eating a single thing all day---I've also had a severe problem with no appetite--and tried to sleep the entire day. I literally felt like I had been run over by a truck. My stomach was still super queesy and even though my contractions had finally come to a minimum, my entire abdomen was soo tight and rock hard.
Since there was no change through the day, I was released about 6pm on Wednesday. Since I had not really eaten too much of anything in about 2 weeks, I was given strict instructions for Boosts protein drinks and 6 small meals a day and 90 ounces of water a day. The bottom line: I have to eat. I feel so sickly and miserable, it's just horrible. I wanted to love my pregnancy and this is just the opposite. I'm plagued with feelings of having harmed the baby by all the meds I've had to take and the lack of recent nutrition--I feel so sorry for our baby. I feel so guilty. My doc assures me that baby is fine nutritional and that it's me that will become nutritional deficient, not the baby. She says I have stores in my body that the baby is using. I don't know about this, it seems like a reach for two weeks, but it is what it is.
So this is the latest. Now I am in bed, feeling like crap, without pain meds, and forcing down water and food. I can tell the baby is loving having food back on board--lots of moving now that he/she is getting calories again. Please, please pray that I do not go back into labor again. There is not much else they can do, and unless my cervix just opens and is ready to deliver, which it hasn't done so far, they won't deliver the baby. So my only option is to keep cooking this baby. Which, of course, I wan't to do, but I also don't want to be writhing in pain the entire time and completely miserable. I want to enjoy this pregnancy. And up until Mid-December, I really was. I'm think it's safe to say I may be over having this baby naturally as planned. I kinda feel like I have done my time in misery-land and from here on out I wan't to be as comfortable as possible.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Lots of Thoughts
I wanna poop..bad..
Kevin has now hemmed four pair of paints for me---I DO have pics! I'm both amazed and jealous.
Kevin is a hard working man these days. Well, an even harder working man. Poor guy. I think I'll owe him a "push" gift too.
Noo appetite---trying to eat food produces an immediate gag reflex. This is not normal Kristen to say the least, I love food! Side effect Vicodine? Maybe just no room in the intestines! Poor baby. He/She needs calories.
My mom has just left town. It was a fantastic time. It was a little more busy in our house than we're used to, as it's just Kevin and I, but probably good practice for when the Bean comes. What a sweet blessing she gave to us by giving us so much of her time and energy. She truly was a slave while here. And she is already ready to come back. :) She just had to go home for hand surgery that she will have this week.
Kevin is now a pro at bra shopping--He can successfully pick out regular bras and nursing bras all by himself.
TMI, but my hoo-haa has officially escaped my vision. Belly is now too big. The more important question: how to keep things " kept" down there with no visual capabilities? Hmm...
This last week has gone by really quickly given I've been in an altered state a good portion of the time. Can't believe I'm almost 31 weeks! Come on 35!
Today was my first day not to take Vicodine every 4 hours. I'm pushing through, I hate being on the dang meds and I want off. Going to see how weaning off goes. Plus, I totally forgot, every single time I've taken Vicodine in the past it severely constipates me. Walla! Given that I'm taking magnesium, drinking tons of water, taking Miralax, and Colace and still no poop, this has to be the nasty culprit. Actually, based on what I've read online, it's totally the culprit. Thanks, doc, or the heads up.
I think I've finally adjusted to my life on bed rest...and all that comes along with it.
And just for the record, I do expect this baby to come out wearing a diamond necklace that reads, "Worlds Best Mom".
My brain is mush. I think it's searching for a nap....maybe I'll write more later..
Kevin has now hemmed four pair of paints for me---I DO have pics! I'm both amazed and jealous.
Kevin is a hard working man these days. Well, an even harder working man. Poor guy. I think I'll owe him a "push" gift too.
Noo appetite---trying to eat food produces an immediate gag reflex. This is not normal Kristen to say the least, I love food! Side effect Vicodine? Maybe just no room in the intestines! Poor baby. He/She needs calories.
My mom has just left town. It was a fantastic time. It was a little more busy in our house than we're used to, as it's just Kevin and I, but probably good practice for when the Bean comes. What a sweet blessing she gave to us by giving us so much of her time and energy. She truly was a slave while here. And she is already ready to come back. :) She just had to go home for hand surgery that she will have this week.
Kevin is now a pro at bra shopping--He can successfully pick out regular bras and nursing bras all by himself.
TMI, but my hoo-haa has officially escaped my vision. Belly is now too big. The more important question: how to keep things " kept" down there with no visual capabilities? Hmm...
This last week has gone by really quickly given I've been in an altered state a good portion of the time. Can't believe I'm almost 31 weeks! Come on 35!
Today was my first day not to take Vicodine every 4 hours. I'm pushing through, I hate being on the dang meds and I want off. Going to see how weaning off goes. Plus, I totally forgot, every single time I've taken Vicodine in the past it severely constipates me. Walla! Given that I'm taking magnesium, drinking tons of water, taking Miralax, and Colace and still no poop, this has to be the nasty culprit. Actually, based on what I've read online, it's totally the culprit. Thanks, doc, or the heads up.
I think I've finally adjusted to my life on bed rest...and all that comes along with it.
And just for the record, I do expect this baby to come out wearing a diamond necklace that reads, "Worlds Best Mom".
My brain is mush. I think it's searching for a nap....maybe I'll write more later..
Bringin Hospital Stay #2 to an End
Side effect of Vicodine: constipation. I haven't pooped in a week. No matter how much Colace or Miralax..surely this has to be contributing to some of my discomfort. This is not the point of this blog, but a serious point to me made. It's now not unusual for Kevin to routinely ask about and follow my BM status. Hey, everyone knows, a lack of pooping is no bueno!
The day following the dramatic night in my labor and delivery room with all the pain and contractions, we were moved to a antepartum room. The exact room I was in when I was there for PTL. It immediately brought back bad memories, I did not want to get held here against my wishes. Kevin took the day off since neither one of us got to sleep until about 6am that morning.
We transitioned into the new room and got used to new faces, and some familiar ones, which was nice. I love Amisha. I hope she is our L&D nurse. When we go in for delivery I'll see if I can request her. We actually didn't have to wait too long before our sono with the peri, Dr. Payne, again, rolled around. Yea, for getting this done and having someone actually look at the baby! Excited!
The baby looked good and measured on track. He did say my amniotic fluid was high normal, which it has never been before....maybe the baby had just urinated or something. He said that we will need to have this measured weekly, and this can also be a sign of gestational diabetes. So he also recommends having a Glucose Tolerance Test done at 32 weeks. We'll see how it looks at next visit.
He measured my cervix in linear technique, as he likes to do, at a 2.4cm. So still consistent and stable! Sooo happy! The baby's approximate weight on Thursday at 29.6weeks was 2.14 oz. Growing away!
Dr. Payne asked me a lot of questions about all the different pains I have been feeling and he also took a long look around all over my abdomen with the sono probe. He actually saw that my gall bladder was swollen and he also saw a possible gall bladder stone. But he also admitted the wasn't a radiologist. So who knows who is correct. But hearing him say that did give some credence to the fact that for the last 8 weeks I've been having textbook gall bladder symptoms. It makes me feel a little less crazy hearing Dr. Payne say this.
All in all, no horrible news! :) We finished off the night with my mom coming to visit and bringing us in dinner. We all hung out for a few hours and chit chatted while my mom finished working on some baby shower invites in the room. She is so creative.
Kevin needed to make sure he got some good sleep for work the next day so he left with my mom about 11pm. I took vocidone and Ambien and had an okay night. There wasn't any screaming or pleading, but still pretty painful. Nights are the worst! But I survived.
The next day I was released by one of my OB's partners, as my OB headed out of town for the weekend. So, scripts in-hand, Kevin and I hit the road, and I was shortly back in bed..just at home. The pain does not seem to want to relent. It literally feels like every muscle in my back, side, abdomen, inner thigh, chest, ribs, hips are all strained or broken. They all produce sharp stabbing pains with every movement. I can barely catch a good breath and the skin on my abdomen will surely rip from my bones at second it is sooooo tight. So tight in fact that it feels hot to the touch and from my perspective it feels like my skin is sunburned. I just don't think my joints, bones,ligaments, skin, organs and anything else in there like being pregnant. By why all of the sudden? And will my body adjust? Surely this isn't my existence for the next two months. I can't stay on drugs that long! Especially not if they don't allow me to poop!! This in itself is painful!
OB appt. in two days--looking for a magic ball full of answers for the future. I pray healing, healing, healing! For both mine and Kevin's sakes. I just thought he was doing a lot for me before. Hahaha...now he literally has to lift me in and out of bed.
Positive note: I pushed through some major pain to get this done today, but our hospital bag and all applicable lists are finalized and ready to go for the big day. The birth plan, baby outfits are all washed in Dreft, nursing bra, fuzzy socks, hospital preregistration, birthing music, phone tree, etc, it's all packed. Big accomplishment!
Another highlight of the day, I took a bath. aahhhh...amazing. I haven't been able to sleep in any other position other than on my back because when I rotate to a side it pulls too many muscles and hurts too much, even with support pillows. But I got in the bath tub, submerged myself all the way in and I was able to rotate and rest on all sides without even a hint of pain! Oh glorious!! It felt soo good my eyes were literally rolling back in my head and I wanted to fall right asleep right there. Too bad I actually needed to clean my oily, gross hair.
The day following the dramatic night in my labor and delivery room with all the pain and contractions, we were moved to a antepartum room. The exact room I was in when I was there for PTL. It immediately brought back bad memories, I did not want to get held here against my wishes. Kevin took the day off since neither one of us got to sleep until about 6am that morning.
We transitioned into the new room and got used to new faces, and some familiar ones, which was nice. I love Amisha. I hope she is our L&D nurse. When we go in for delivery I'll see if I can request her. We actually didn't have to wait too long before our sono with the peri, Dr. Payne, again, rolled around. Yea, for getting this done and having someone actually look at the baby! Excited!
The baby looked good and measured on track. He did say my amniotic fluid was high normal, which it has never been before....maybe the baby had just urinated or something. He said that we will need to have this measured weekly, and this can also be a sign of gestational diabetes. So he also recommends having a Glucose Tolerance Test done at 32 weeks. We'll see how it looks at next visit.
He measured my cervix in linear technique, as he likes to do, at a 2.4cm. So still consistent and stable! Sooo happy! The baby's approximate weight on Thursday at 29.6weeks was 2.14 oz. Growing away!
Dr. Payne asked me a lot of questions about all the different pains I have been feeling and he also took a long look around all over my abdomen with the sono probe. He actually saw that my gall bladder was swollen and he also saw a possible gall bladder stone. But he also admitted the wasn't a radiologist. So who knows who is correct. But hearing him say that did give some credence to the fact that for the last 8 weeks I've been having textbook gall bladder symptoms. It makes me feel a little less crazy hearing Dr. Payne say this.
All in all, no horrible news! :) We finished off the night with my mom coming to visit and bringing us in dinner. We all hung out for a few hours and chit chatted while my mom finished working on some baby shower invites in the room. She is so creative.
Kevin needed to make sure he got some good sleep for work the next day so he left with my mom about 11pm. I took vocidone and Ambien and had an okay night. There wasn't any screaming or pleading, but still pretty painful. Nights are the worst! But I survived.
The next day I was released by one of my OB's partners, as my OB headed out of town for the weekend. So, scripts in-hand, Kevin and I hit the road, and I was shortly back in bed..just at home. The pain does not seem to want to relent. It literally feels like every muscle in my back, side, abdomen, inner thigh, chest, ribs, hips are all strained or broken. They all produce sharp stabbing pains with every movement. I can barely catch a good breath and the skin on my abdomen will surely rip from my bones at second it is sooooo tight. So tight in fact that it feels hot to the touch and from my perspective it feels like my skin is sunburned. I just don't think my joints, bones,ligaments, skin, organs and anything else in there like being pregnant. By why all of the sudden? And will my body adjust? Surely this isn't my existence for the next two months. I can't stay on drugs that long! Especially not if they don't allow me to poop!! This in itself is painful!
OB appt. in two days--looking for a magic ball full of answers for the future. I pray healing, healing, healing! For both mine and Kevin's sakes. I just thought he was doing a lot for me before. Hahaha...now he literally has to lift me in and out of bed.
Positive note: I pushed through some major pain to get this done today, but our hospital bag and all applicable lists are finalized and ready to go for the big day. The birth plan, baby outfits are all washed in Dreft, nursing bra, fuzzy socks, hospital preregistration, birthing music, phone tree, etc, it's all packed. Big accomplishment!
Another highlight of the day, I took a bath. aahhhh...amazing. I haven't been able to sleep in any other position other than on my back because when I rotate to a side it pulls too many muscles and hurts too much, even with support pillows. But I got in the bath tub, submerged myself all the way in and I was able to rotate and rest on all sides without even a hint of pain! Oh glorious!! It felt soo good my eyes were literally rolling back in my head and I wanted to fall right asleep right there. Too bad I actually needed to clean my oily, gross hair.
Monday, January 23, 2012
The Day After and Looking for Answers
Now I see why we did not end up with twins the first time around with IVF, there is no way that my body could have handled it. Thank God for unanswered prayers.
Kevin headed off to work Wednesday morning and my mom and I headed off to my OB appt. This appt. was different than all the rest. This time, I was slow moving and all I could muster was a grimaced smile for the staff. Luckily, they did not make me wait hardly at all and I was in and out in an hour. Truly record breaking!
We started off with the visit with my OB as it was time for another FFN test, which came back negative! So sono second. She was concerned about the progression of my right sided pain and now appendicitis was on the list of differentials. She said that typically the hydronephrosis wouldn't cause this much pain. Or it could also be a really severe case of round ligament pain involving the nerves, in conjunction with the the fact the baby refuses to move and is sitting right on top of the same kidney, ligaments and nerves...and the side of my gall bladder and appendix. Move baby, move!
She completed the vaginal exam. All looked normal. I then skipped...not really skipping as you can imagine.. over and had the sono with Caroline, which, I have decided after a few times of the same from her and her giving me cervical measurements while I'm contracting, I don't like her. Zero bed side manner and personability. However, even after all my contractions the night before, my cervix was still 2.5 cm. I can't help but wonder if this is the progesterone helping. Yea. Way to go cervix!
My doc did ask me to head back over the hospital immediately following the appt. because she needed to rule out appendicitis. The only way to do this while pregnant: wait and see approach for three days plus clinical symptoms. So I was about to have another hospital stay. She said she would set up a general surgery consult for the appendix and a urology consult for the kidney issue.
So my Mom and I headed back over the L&D and got stationed in the exact area Kevin and I were in the night before. I was looking forward to some pain meds, and I wasn't shy about asking for them once I got there. This is a far cry from the 'al natural' pregnant chick I once was. This should tell you how much pain I've been in. I still feel so so bad for our baby. I just can't keep my mind from thinking about the long term consequences. So I have to get off of them ASAP.
After getting set up in the triage L&D area and getting some pain meds and some IV fluids going, we were moved to a L&D room a few hours later. I sure do love these L&D rooms, so nice and spacious. And it's also neat to stare at the baby station in the room and imagine that we will meet our baby in a similar room very soon! Surreal Mom and I rested and had some great conversation while we waited almost the entire day for the surgeon and urologist to come by.
The surgeon said that he gave me an 80% of NOT having appendicitis, as a lot of my pain was more in my kidney area rather than the very specific location that appendix pain isolates. Good news. But we had to wait a couple of more days to see how it progressed in order for him to say for sure it was not appendicitis. I was really hoping it was not appendicitis, as he said the only treatment was surgery, and the appendix sits literally right up against the uterus. This means that in order to get it out they would have to lift and move the uterus, which often causes the women to deliver the baby immediately after inducing PTL. So we definitely did not want it to be this differential. But, we had to wait and see to know for sure.
The urologist came in and wasn't overly impressed with a case of hydronephrosis. He, too, said all treatment methods were not safe during pregnancy so I had to live with it, take pain meds, and it usually resolves itself after pregnancy. He, too, would follow up with me the next day. I'm smelling no relief other than resorting to long-term pain management. Bummer.
My doc then came by and gave me to okay to finally eat!!! It had been two full days! I thought I was starving, but when my mom went out and brought me my FAVORITE meal of all time, all I could eat was two bites. Nausea was in full swing. I felt so bad. My doc also told me that in order for me to go home I would have to show that I could manage off of morphine and handle just being on oral pain meds, Vicodine. So that night I was able to take Vicodine and/or morphine. Man, these two together make all the world right. Hahaha....But I don't want a crack head baby, but I also knew I needed to take what I needed to take to get over the hump. Again, just like last time, I was also given the option of Ambien to sleep in the hospital, and this time, I knew I needed to take it to get some rest.
granimals.
I was hooked up with Vicodine, Morphine, and Ambien, I ate the rest of my meal that I couldn't eat earlier in the day and Kevin and I chit chatted and spent some QT together that night. I was actually feeling better than I had in a couple of days and had high hopes for the next day. But I guess I spoke too soon. Kevin and I winded down and he hit the sack on the lovely pull out chair which is grossly uncomfortable. I took my Ambien about midnight and looked forward to a pain-free evening filled with a deep sleep.
No such luck. At about 1:30am I woke up to stabbing pain in my lower right hip bone. And with every tiny movement it was magnified by ten. It literally had me screaming out in pain. Kevin was in a panic. He ran for the nurse--two came. The very short version of this story is that this entire ordeal didn't wind down until 5:30am. My husband demanded a doctor to come in and find out what was wrong with me as he was concerned that the appendicitis had "localized" as the surgeon mentioned could happen. They said all they could do was page the on-call doc from my OB's office. I'll go ahead and admit now, I was flooded full of awesome pain meds but was still for some reason feeling some hellish acute pain, so I know I must have been over-the-top emotionally, albeit in true pain. There was no holding back with the screaming, grimacing, and pleading. I was so nauseated, I felt like I was in and out of it, but I remember the two nurses literally standing at the foot of my bed staring at me while Kevin yelled at them to go find someone to help me...now! These woman are labor and delivery nurses, I know they thought I was a complete idiot. Hahaha....But not at all funny at the time.
By this time I was having full blown contractions. Real, very painful contraction, and 2 minutes apart.
After the nurses spoke with the on-call OB they were instructed to give me terbutaline to stop the contractions. In the end, I needed three injections of the medication to get them to stop. During this time one of the nurses checked my cervix as said it was still closed! Amazing!!! We would have to wait until the following day to find out how much this little episode shortened it. And again, there was no answer for what caused all of this as it ended up not being my appendix, which we later learned.
This experience was intense for me and Kevin. But in some weird way a sweet bonding moment. This was the closet thing to labor we have experienced together and now I know he will for sure be great when the real deal comes. The experience was mind boggling and super painful...but my vote is a lot of the pain could have been better handled if I would have know what to expect, the cause of the pain, that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel, and not to feel like I was blankly being stared at the medical staff and offered no answers for anything. The motto of the evening was' the doc can check you tomorrow, until then we just need to pump you full of pain meds'. Not what a loopy, on the verge of going crazy woman wants to be told.
After four hours, my uterus settled down and I was maxed out on pain meds. My uterus felt like it had just ran a marathon---our poor Bean---and we were exhausted, so we settled in for some much needed sleep...finally.
What a night..
Kevin headed off to work Wednesday morning and my mom and I headed off to my OB appt. This appt. was different than all the rest. This time, I was slow moving and all I could muster was a grimaced smile for the staff. Luckily, they did not make me wait hardly at all and I was in and out in an hour. Truly record breaking!
We started off with the visit with my OB as it was time for another FFN test, which came back negative! So sono second. She was concerned about the progression of my right sided pain and now appendicitis was on the list of differentials. She said that typically the hydronephrosis wouldn't cause this much pain. Or it could also be a really severe case of round ligament pain involving the nerves, in conjunction with the the fact the baby refuses to move and is sitting right on top of the same kidney, ligaments and nerves...and the side of my gall bladder and appendix. Move baby, move!
She completed the vaginal exam. All looked normal. I then skipped...not really skipping as you can imagine.. over and had the sono with Caroline, which, I have decided after a few times of the same from her and her giving me cervical measurements while I'm contracting, I don't like her. Zero bed side manner and personability. However, even after all my contractions the night before, my cervix was still 2.5 cm. I can't help but wonder if this is the progesterone helping. Yea. Way to go cervix!
My doc did ask me to head back over the hospital immediately following the appt. because she needed to rule out appendicitis. The only way to do this while pregnant: wait and see approach for three days plus clinical symptoms. So I was about to have another hospital stay. She said she would set up a general surgery consult for the appendix and a urology consult for the kidney issue.
So my Mom and I headed back over the L&D and got stationed in the exact area Kevin and I were in the night before. I was looking forward to some pain meds, and I wasn't shy about asking for them once I got there. This is a far cry from the 'al natural' pregnant chick I once was. This should tell you how much pain I've been in. I still feel so so bad for our baby. I just can't keep my mind from thinking about the long term consequences. So I have to get off of them ASAP.
After getting set up in the triage L&D area and getting some pain meds and some IV fluids going, we were moved to a L&D room a few hours later. I sure do love these L&D rooms, so nice and spacious. And it's also neat to stare at the baby station in the room and imagine that we will meet our baby in a similar room very soon! Surreal Mom and I rested and had some great conversation while we waited almost the entire day for the surgeon and urologist to come by.
The surgeon said that he gave me an 80% of NOT having appendicitis, as a lot of my pain was more in my kidney area rather than the very specific location that appendix pain isolates. Good news. But we had to wait a couple of more days to see how it progressed in order for him to say for sure it was not appendicitis. I was really hoping it was not appendicitis, as he said the only treatment was surgery, and the appendix sits literally right up against the uterus. This means that in order to get it out they would have to lift and move the uterus, which often causes the women to deliver the baby immediately after inducing PTL. So we definitely did not want it to be this differential. But, we had to wait and see to know for sure.
The urologist came in and wasn't overly impressed with a case of hydronephrosis. He, too, said all treatment methods were not safe during pregnancy so I had to live with it, take pain meds, and it usually resolves itself after pregnancy. He, too, would follow up with me the next day. I'm smelling no relief other than resorting to long-term pain management. Bummer.
My doc then came by and gave me to okay to finally eat!!! It had been two full days! I thought I was starving, but when my mom went out and brought me my FAVORITE meal of all time, all I could eat was two bites. Nausea was in full swing. I felt so bad. My doc also told me that in order for me to go home I would have to show that I could manage off of morphine and handle just being on oral pain meds, Vicodine. So that night I was able to take Vicodine and/or morphine. Man, these two together make all the world right. Hahaha....But I don't want a crack head baby, but I also knew I needed to take what I needed to take to get over the hump. Again, just like last time, I was also given the option of Ambien to sleep in the hospital, and this time, I knew I needed to take it to get some rest.
granimals.
I was hooked up with Vicodine, Morphine, and Ambien, I ate the rest of my meal that I couldn't eat earlier in the day and Kevin and I chit chatted and spent some QT together that night. I was actually feeling better than I had in a couple of days and had high hopes for the next day. But I guess I spoke too soon. Kevin and I winded down and he hit the sack on the lovely pull out chair which is grossly uncomfortable. I took my Ambien about midnight and looked forward to a pain-free evening filled with a deep sleep.
No such luck. At about 1:30am I woke up to stabbing pain in my lower right hip bone. And with every tiny movement it was magnified by ten. It literally had me screaming out in pain. Kevin was in a panic. He ran for the nurse--two came. The very short version of this story is that this entire ordeal didn't wind down until 5:30am. My husband demanded a doctor to come in and find out what was wrong with me as he was concerned that the appendicitis had "localized" as the surgeon mentioned could happen. They said all they could do was page the on-call doc from my OB's office. I'll go ahead and admit now, I was flooded full of awesome pain meds but was still for some reason feeling some hellish acute pain, so I know I must have been over-the-top emotionally, albeit in true pain. There was no holding back with the screaming, grimacing, and pleading. I was so nauseated, I felt like I was in and out of it, but I remember the two nurses literally standing at the foot of my bed staring at me while Kevin yelled at them to go find someone to help me...now! These woman are labor and delivery nurses, I know they thought I was a complete idiot. Hahaha....But not at all funny at the time.
By this time I was having full blown contractions. Real, very painful contraction, and 2 minutes apart.
After the nurses spoke with the on-call OB they were instructed to give me terbutaline to stop the contractions. In the end, I needed three injections of the medication to get them to stop. During this time one of the nurses checked my cervix as said it was still closed! Amazing!!! We would have to wait until the following day to find out how much this little episode shortened it. And again, there was no answer for what caused all of this as it ended up not being my appendix, which we later learned.
This experience was intense for me and Kevin. But in some weird way a sweet bonding moment. This was the closet thing to labor we have experienced together and now I know he will for sure be great when the real deal comes. The experience was mind boggling and super painful...but my vote is a lot of the pain could have been better handled if I would have know what to expect, the cause of the pain, that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel, and not to feel like I was blankly being stared at the medical staff and offered no answers for anything. The motto of the evening was' the doc can check you tomorrow, until then we just need to pump you full of pain meds'. Not what a loopy, on the verge of going crazy woman wants to be told.
After four hours, my uterus settled down and I was maxed out on pain meds. My uterus felt like it had just ran a marathon---our poor Bean---and we were exhausted, so we settled in for some much needed sleep...finally.
What a night..
Back So Soon...
So I was truly hoping to avoid the hospital scene until delivery, but no such luck.
As I've mentioned previously, I've been having some pretty bad pains under my right rib cage and under my right scapula. Well yesterday something new popped up..very suddenly. It was a horrific pain below my sternum that radiated across my chest under my boobs and wrapped around through my middle back. It was the kind of pain very similar in intensity to when I passed kidney stones. It had me moaning and laying on our bathroom floor in the fetal position rocking myself. So seriously not good.
I woke up with this pain on Tuesday morning at 6am. At first it was just a new, noticeable pain, but by 10am it had progressed to 'oh my God' pain. At this point I refused to call the doc for fear of looking silly. In my defense I call my OB's nurse weekly, and I know she is so tired of fielding calls from me, so I was trying to avoid again being the hypochondriac/worry wort. It's so embarrassing. I don't mean to be over-the-top or annoying, but I can't help but think this is what they think about me---even though they try to act like this is not the case. This is when I don't like being a 'High Sensitive Person". ( Have you ever read about Highly Sensitive people? Very interesting.)
Kevin came home from lunch at 11:30 to find me in the bed on all fours with my head buried in the pillow rocking myself back and forth. He was way concerned and actually called my OB's nurse himself. She thought it was most likely trapped gas, despite having regular BM's and not having an issue with gas. But given my history in this pregnancy, she recommended that we head to L and Delivery to have the baby monitored--
This was a big 'No way' for me. I knew a trip to L&D would only result in sitting there for 8 hours, spending a lot of money, and I would probably leave with no answers.
Buuuuut, but by 3:00 I had changed my mind, but only because I needed some serious pain meds. And I was getting really worried about what was afflicting my body. I was totally nauseated, I couldn't eat or drink and could barely move.
So at 3 o'clock Kevin left work to take me to the hospital and my Mom stayed behind to man the fort and take care of the fur kids--there's five, including hers, ya know. It was so nice not to have the stress of worrying about the dogs with being locked down at the hospital so long.
Once we arrived I was hooked up to belly monitors and the baby's heart rate was normal and he/she was moving around, so they weren't concerned with the baby. Also, I wasn't spotting or leaking fluid and so forth.
My OB's differentials for a diagnosis at this point was GIRD with esophageal muscle spasms or my gallbladder. So I was started on Morphine and not allowed to eat or drink since I was going to be getting a GI sono study later that day to look at all that is GI.
The GI sono study looked at pretty much all GI organs in my abdomen other than my appendix. Everything was completely normal, including my gall bladder, except for my right kidney. My right kidney is extremely enlarged with urine backed up inside of the kidney and the ureter. This is called severe hydronephrosis. This is apparently a very common finding in pregnant women, 90% of all pregnant women, especially on the right side, but most stay asymptomatic and don't have pain or any issues.
Well our Bean is still sitting on the farthest right side of the uterus and refuses to move despite anything I try. This obviously isn't helping the pain situation. They said the cause of the hydronephrosis in the right kidney is due to the growing uterus siting on top of the ureter which is blocking the flow of urine from my kidney.
The entire time we were at the hospital I was having crazy, big contraction at 2 minutes apart. I just knew this was totally shortening my cervix. UHG. So my OB requested that I have a shot of terbutaline, which, by the way, is horrible! It offers crazy, awful sde effects. It made my heart race, I was shaking uncontrollably, I was anxious, and crawling out of my skin...BUT...it took away the contractions. It also made our Bean's HR increase dramatically, which I sure hated to see. I hate that in order to take care of myself so I can continue to take care of our Bean I have to give him/her all these drugs. Really hate it.
In between all of this, my OB gave me a " GI Concoction" to see if would eliminate the pain I had below my sternum. It did. It was a liquid mix of Mylanta, lidocaine, and something else. So she feels that since being on bed rest I have developed GIRD and my esophagus is raw which is causing painful muscle spasms. Not what I wanted to hear, but at least she was able to get the pain to go away! So she has asked me to take Prilosec everyday from here on out. I know it doesn't sound like this would be very painful, but it actually was excruciating.
About ten minutes after getting the terbutaline
Ten pm rolled around I was sick of sitting in the L&D triage curtained off room having to listen to expectant moms come and go in the room next to me preparing for the birth of their little one. Then, only later on, to here the screams of fresh newborns. I wish it was my turn.
I begged to go home and not to have to stay the night. My doc agreed and I was released shortly after. But before I could go, I was told I had to eat something since I had not eaten in over a day--literally. All I could choke down was a few Goldfish and some cranberry juice. By this point I was THIRSTY, as I wasn't allowed any food or drink as not to interfere with the GI study. I felt like I couldn't get enough fluids in me. But the goodness of that juice was short lived.
As Kevin dressed me and I signed my release forms I was sooo nauseated. Before I sat in the wheelchair to be wheeled to the hospital exit, I had to quickly ask for a bathroom. I was light headed, nauseated, and needed to throw up. I ran as fast as I could to the bathroom, or waddled, I should say, and sat on the cold floor ( I know, disgusting. Desperate times equals desperate measures.) I threw up and felt a little better, but still walking like a 90 year old woman who needs a hip replacement from the pain. I swear, I'm not a wuss when it comes to pain, I promise. Whatever is happening to my body right now my body and nerves are fully revolting against. My body's surely going through an adjustment period now that the baby has grown to a significant size and weight.
So I finished the vomiting and into the wheelchair I went for a ride down to the car. During the car ride I became further nauseated and knew I had a repeat case on my hands. I was reclined the entire trip and braced myself for all the normal jostling of a car ride. As soon as the car stopped, I literally bolted into the house bypassing my well wishing mother waiting in the entry for me, aggressively yelled for the dogs to move out of my way, and no sooner than I could raise the toilet lid, I was vomiting again. More cranberry juice. At least it wasn't horrible coming back up. Hahaha.
Kevin helped me change and get into pj's and I crawled into bed. I was praying to wake up the next morning and it all be over. Praying that it was all a one-time isolated event...No such luck. I don't know what it is about every ailment getting worse at night, but whatever was happening with my body was no exception. I was MISERABLE the entire night. Like verge of dying miserable, or so it felt. I got absolutely no sleep and was even found on all fours in our pitch black bedroom rocking myself because it was the only thing that offered even a smidge of pain relief. My entire right side and back was on fire and I couldn't move a single muscle in this area without feeling like my skin was ripping from my bones and my uterus was going to herniate through my abdominal skin.
All that got me through was knowing that I had a prescheduled appt. with my OB that she wanted me to keep the next morning, on Wednesday. And it couldn't come quick enough.
As I've mentioned previously, I've been having some pretty bad pains under my right rib cage and under my right scapula. Well yesterday something new popped up..very suddenly. It was a horrific pain below my sternum that radiated across my chest under my boobs and wrapped around through my middle back. It was the kind of pain very similar in intensity to when I passed kidney stones. It had me moaning and laying on our bathroom floor in the fetal position rocking myself. So seriously not good.
I woke up with this pain on Tuesday morning at 6am. At first it was just a new, noticeable pain, but by 10am it had progressed to 'oh my God' pain. At this point I refused to call the doc for fear of looking silly. In my defense I call my OB's nurse weekly, and I know she is so tired of fielding calls from me, so I was trying to avoid again being the hypochondriac/worry wort. It's so embarrassing. I don't mean to be over-the-top or annoying, but I can't help but think this is what they think about me---even though they try to act like this is not the case. This is when I don't like being a 'High Sensitive Person". ( Have you ever read about Highly Sensitive people? Very interesting.)
Kevin came home from lunch at 11:30 to find me in the bed on all fours with my head buried in the pillow rocking myself back and forth. He was way concerned and actually called my OB's nurse himself. She thought it was most likely trapped gas, despite having regular BM's and not having an issue with gas. But given my history in this pregnancy, she recommended that we head to L and Delivery to have the baby monitored--
This was a big 'No way' for me. I knew a trip to L&D would only result in sitting there for 8 hours, spending a lot of money, and I would probably leave with no answers.
Buuuuut, but by 3:00 I had changed my mind, but only because I needed some serious pain meds. And I was getting really worried about what was afflicting my body. I was totally nauseated, I couldn't eat or drink and could barely move.
So at 3 o'clock Kevin left work to take me to the hospital and my Mom stayed behind to man the fort and take care of the fur kids--there's five, including hers, ya know. It was so nice not to have the stress of worrying about the dogs with being locked down at the hospital so long.
Once we arrived I was hooked up to belly monitors and the baby's heart rate was normal and he/she was moving around, so they weren't concerned with the baby. Also, I wasn't spotting or leaking fluid and so forth.
My OB's differentials for a diagnosis at this point was GIRD with esophageal muscle spasms or my gallbladder. So I was started on Morphine and not allowed to eat or drink since I was going to be getting a GI sono study later that day to look at all that is GI.
The GI sono study looked at pretty much all GI organs in my abdomen other than my appendix. Everything was completely normal, including my gall bladder, except for my right kidney. My right kidney is extremely enlarged with urine backed up inside of the kidney and the ureter. This is called severe hydronephrosis. This is apparently a very common finding in pregnant women, 90% of all pregnant women, especially on the right side, but most stay asymptomatic and don't have pain or any issues.
Well our Bean is still sitting on the farthest right side of the uterus and refuses to move despite anything I try. This obviously isn't helping the pain situation. They said the cause of the hydronephrosis in the right kidney is due to the growing uterus siting on top of the ureter which is blocking the flow of urine from my kidney.
The entire time we were at the hospital I was having crazy, big contraction at 2 minutes apart. I just knew this was totally shortening my cervix. UHG. So my OB requested that I have a shot of terbutaline, which, by the way, is horrible! It offers crazy, awful sde effects. It made my heart race, I was shaking uncontrollably, I was anxious, and crawling out of my skin...BUT...it took away the contractions. It also made our Bean's HR increase dramatically, which I sure hated to see. I hate that in order to take care of myself so I can continue to take care of our Bean I have to give him/her all these drugs. Really hate it.
In between all of this, my OB gave me a " GI Concoction" to see if would eliminate the pain I had below my sternum. It did. It was a liquid mix of Mylanta, lidocaine, and something else. So she feels that since being on bed rest I have developed GIRD and my esophagus is raw which is causing painful muscle spasms. Not what I wanted to hear, but at least she was able to get the pain to go away! So she has asked me to take Prilosec everyday from here on out. I know it doesn't sound like this would be very painful, but it actually was excruciating.
About ten minutes after getting the terbutaline
Ten pm rolled around I was sick of sitting in the L&D triage curtained off room having to listen to expectant moms come and go in the room next to me preparing for the birth of their little one. Then, only later on, to here the screams of fresh newborns. I wish it was my turn.
I begged to go home and not to have to stay the night. My doc agreed and I was released shortly after. But before I could go, I was told I had to eat something since I had not eaten in over a day--literally. All I could choke down was a few Goldfish and some cranberry juice. By this point I was THIRSTY, as I wasn't allowed any food or drink as not to interfere with the GI study. I felt like I couldn't get enough fluids in me. But the goodness of that juice was short lived.
As Kevin dressed me and I signed my release forms I was sooo nauseated. Before I sat in the wheelchair to be wheeled to the hospital exit, I had to quickly ask for a bathroom. I was light headed, nauseated, and needed to throw up. I ran as fast as I could to the bathroom, or waddled, I should say, and sat on the cold floor ( I know, disgusting. Desperate times equals desperate measures.) I threw up and felt a little better, but still walking like a 90 year old woman who needs a hip replacement from the pain. I swear, I'm not a wuss when it comes to pain, I promise. Whatever is happening to my body right now my body and nerves are fully revolting against. My body's surely going through an adjustment period now that the baby has grown to a significant size and weight.
So I finished the vomiting and into the wheelchair I went for a ride down to the car. During the car ride I became further nauseated and knew I had a repeat case on my hands. I was reclined the entire trip and braced myself for all the normal jostling of a car ride. As soon as the car stopped, I literally bolted into the house bypassing my well wishing mother waiting in the entry for me, aggressively yelled for the dogs to move out of my way, and no sooner than I could raise the toilet lid, I was vomiting again. More cranberry juice. At least it wasn't horrible coming back up. Hahaha.
Kevin helped me change and get into pj's and I crawled into bed. I was praying to wake up the next morning and it all be over. Praying that it was all a one-time isolated event...No such luck. I don't know what it is about every ailment getting worse at night, but whatever was happening with my body was no exception. I was MISERABLE the entire night. Like verge of dying miserable, or so it felt. I got absolutely no sleep and was even found on all fours in our pitch black bedroom rocking myself because it was the only thing that offered even a smidge of pain relief. My entire right side and back was on fire and I couldn't move a single muscle in this area without feeling like my skin was ripping from my bones and my uterus was going to herniate through my abdominal skin.
All that got me through was knowing that I had a prescheduled appt. with my OB that she wanted me to keep the next morning, on Wednesday. And it couldn't come quick enough.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Hilarious!
Today my Mom went out on a maternity clothes hunt for me while I stayed in the supine position on the couch. She came back with two pair of much needed jeans and some super cute tops and a great little casual wear set. She did a great job picking out awesome stuff for me. But she knows the kind of stuff I like, so not too surprising.
Well, as expected, the jeans were both too long on me, like all pants are. Being 5' 2", I fall in this really horribly awkward gray area when it comes to any type of pant. All of the 'regulars' are too long and the 'shorts' are far too short. This means that virtually every pair of pants I buy I have to have hemmed. Don't love this.
Well, it's no exception with my new maternity jeans. BTW, for the record: I can't even believe I have maternity pants hanging in my closet! I looove it! I mean, I really have maternity pants hanging in my closet and I didn't just buy them as part of some weird obsession with being pregnant like I totally would have done a year ago--even though I wasn't even pregnant--just so I could stare at them and drool. I'm actually pregnant and need them! It's amazing. Does everyone love being pregnant this much?!
Anyway, I asked for a sewing machine for Christmas for this reason. I'm tired of spending a RIDICULOUS amount of money on tailoring and alterations, so I at least want to learn how to hem my own pants for now. BUT, by the time Christmas rolled around I was already on strict bed rest; therefore, I have not had the opportunity to get the sewing machine out and learn how to use it, which I'm very eager to do...I think...
I say 'I think' because my fab husband, who may have his man card revoked after this post is published, pulled the sewing machine out of the box this evening and read all of the directions, set it all up, and started practice hemming on an old pair of jeans so he can hem my jeans for me. Lets all say, "AWWW" together now. But for real, he gets double hubby points for this. It looked like he went through quite the struggle to understand the directions and get it all set up and ready to sew. This is why I say ' I think' I'm ready to learn how to operate this little piece of machinery. Now it looks ultra daunting.
The highlight of the evening: having my dear, precious hubby not be afraid to be adventurous and learn how to use a sewing machine even if it is " unmanly"...all for me. Now these are the types of acts of service that speak to my heart. ...And we got pictures..making this cool moment even cooler. I think I see a blackmail picture in his future.
He is still in the 'practicing' mode of learning how to hem. But we'll see how all goes before I pass off the brand new pair of jeans. Kinda scared, I have to admit. :) Either way, this was a very fun and super sweet moment. Loved it.
Well, as expected, the jeans were both too long on me, like all pants are. Being 5' 2", I fall in this really horribly awkward gray area when it comes to any type of pant. All of the 'regulars' are too long and the 'shorts' are far too short. This means that virtually every pair of pants I buy I have to have hemmed. Don't love this.
Well, it's no exception with my new maternity jeans. BTW, for the record: I can't even believe I have maternity pants hanging in my closet! I looove it! I mean, I really have maternity pants hanging in my closet and I didn't just buy them as part of some weird obsession with being pregnant like I totally would have done a year ago--even though I wasn't even pregnant--just so I could stare at them and drool. I'm actually pregnant and need them! It's amazing. Does everyone love being pregnant this much?!
Anyway, I asked for a sewing machine for Christmas for this reason. I'm tired of spending a RIDICULOUS amount of money on tailoring and alterations, so I at least want to learn how to hem my own pants for now. BUT, by the time Christmas rolled around I was already on strict bed rest; therefore, I have not had the opportunity to get the sewing machine out and learn how to use it, which I'm very eager to do...I think...
I say 'I think' because my fab husband, who may have his man card revoked after this post is published, pulled the sewing machine out of the box this evening and read all of the directions, set it all up, and started practice hemming on an old pair of jeans so he can hem my jeans for me. Lets all say, "AWWW" together now. But for real, he gets double hubby points for this. It looked like he went through quite the struggle to understand the directions and get it all set up and ready to sew. This is why I say ' I think' I'm ready to learn how to operate this little piece of machinery. Now it looks ultra daunting.
The highlight of the evening: having my dear, precious hubby not be afraid to be adventurous and learn how to use a sewing machine even if it is " unmanly"...all for me. Now these are the types of acts of service that speak to my heart. ...And we got pictures..making this cool moment even cooler. I think I see a blackmail picture in his future.
He is still in the 'practicing' mode of learning how to hem. But we'll see how all goes before I pass off the brand new pair of jeans. Kinda scared, I have to admit. :) Either way, this was a very fun and super sweet moment. Loved it.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Another Week..
Well, another week is down and I'm movin through week 29. Yea! So glad to be here. This means that goal number one is knocked out! Our goals are weeks 28, 30, 32,34, and then 37. One down, four more goals to go!
I'm absolutely lovin having my mom here in town with us. She is helping out so much and we are having so much fun! Of course, I still haven't left the house, but it's so nice to have someone here with me all day to catch up with and to take care of me. It's a little crazy in our small house with our four dogs and my mom's one dog, but that's okay. She's planning on staying this entire week and leaving this weekend making her visit a full ten days. :)
My Mom's dog is a petite pomeranian named Dallas. Little Dallas cracks me up. She is one spoiled little lady. She gets hand fed---full meals from restaurants because she refuses dog food, she gets to sit on top of our dining room table to watch my Mom while she works on the baby shower invites, or she gets to sit in her own dining room chair, and she gets full body massages. Hahahaha! This is one loved little gal! And I thought my dogs are spoiled! Well, they are.
My mom is a great scrapbooker and has insisted on custom hand making my baby shower invites, which she is working on while she is here. They are soo creative and look fabulous! I am soo excited about them! How kind of her to put sooo much time, energy, and expense into our invites!
I officially have no pants to wear except for one pair of velour casual pants and one pair of sleep pants. I certainly can't wear these to my doc appts. My mom is headed out to Motherhood Maternity tomorrow to grab me some jeans. Soo wish I could go out and shop! Badly!
I'm feeling very connected to the baby--more than ever. I love our Bean so much. My contractions are still stable, which is good. I'm hoping my cervix is continuing to hang on and the vaginal progesterone is helping keep the length stable. But I do have a "new" symptom, well, a symptom that I just realized is really something to be concerned about, but I always blew it off and never mentioned it to my OB. For the last 6-8 weeks I have been having severe back pain in the same exact location, right under my right shoulder blade. I've also been having severe pain under my right rib cage. Both are very painful. In the evenings both of these are very prominent and also come along with a lot of very painful bloating, and it feels like my skin is literally about to stretch off my bones. It's far worse than 'I just over ate bloating'. Although the back pain is usually with me all day unless I lay down.
Well, come to find out these are textbook gallbladder stone symptoms. What the heck! Gallbladder issues can be pregnancy induced due to high levels of progesterone and estrogen. From what I've read, there is no way to get rid of the stones and once they are in the gallbladder they will always be an issue, which can become serious. Most pregnant women who find they are having gallbladder issues during pregnancy maintenance their gallbladder colic through pain meds and a low fat diet until they deliver and then after delivery they often have to have their gallbladder removed. Uhg. Possibly the third lap surgery in about a year. At this point, it's not shocking.
I plan to call my OB about this in the morning to give her a heads up so she can address this at my appointment on Wednesday. I'm praying it will all be nothing and no stones will be found on ultrasound, which will be the first step in figuring out if it really is a gallbladder issue. So I'll update on Wednesday once I know more. ..
Oh Lord, no more issues, please.
I'm absolutely lovin having my mom here in town with us. She is helping out so much and we are having so much fun! Of course, I still haven't left the house, but it's so nice to have someone here with me all day to catch up with and to take care of me. It's a little crazy in our small house with our four dogs and my mom's one dog, but that's okay. She's planning on staying this entire week and leaving this weekend making her visit a full ten days. :)
My Mom's dog is a petite pomeranian named Dallas. Little Dallas cracks me up. She is one spoiled little lady. She gets hand fed---full meals from restaurants because she refuses dog food, she gets to sit on top of our dining room table to watch my Mom while she works on the baby shower invites, or she gets to sit in her own dining room chair, and she gets full body massages. Hahahaha! This is one loved little gal! And I thought my dogs are spoiled! Well, they are.
My mom is a great scrapbooker and has insisted on custom hand making my baby shower invites, which she is working on while she is here. They are soo creative and look fabulous! I am soo excited about them! How kind of her to put sooo much time, energy, and expense into our invites!
I officially have no pants to wear except for one pair of velour casual pants and one pair of sleep pants. I certainly can't wear these to my doc appts. My mom is headed out to Motherhood Maternity tomorrow to grab me some jeans. Soo wish I could go out and shop! Badly!
I'm feeling very connected to the baby--more than ever. I love our Bean so much. My contractions are still stable, which is good. I'm hoping my cervix is continuing to hang on and the vaginal progesterone is helping keep the length stable. But I do have a "new" symptom, well, a symptom that I just realized is really something to be concerned about, but I always blew it off and never mentioned it to my OB. For the last 6-8 weeks I have been having severe back pain in the same exact location, right under my right shoulder blade. I've also been having severe pain under my right rib cage. Both are very painful. In the evenings both of these are very prominent and also come along with a lot of very painful bloating, and it feels like my skin is literally about to stretch off my bones. It's far worse than 'I just over ate bloating'. Although the back pain is usually with me all day unless I lay down.
Well, come to find out these are textbook gallbladder stone symptoms. What the heck! Gallbladder issues can be pregnancy induced due to high levels of progesterone and estrogen. From what I've read, there is no way to get rid of the stones and once they are in the gallbladder they will always be an issue, which can become serious. Most pregnant women who find they are having gallbladder issues during pregnancy maintenance their gallbladder colic through pain meds and a low fat diet until they deliver and then after delivery they often have to have their gallbladder removed. Uhg. Possibly the third lap surgery in about a year. At this point, it's not shocking.
I plan to call my OB about this in the morning to give her a heads up so she can address this at my appointment on Wednesday. I'm praying it will all be nothing and no stones will be found on ultrasound, which will be the first step in figuring out if it really is a gallbladder issue. So I'll update on Wednesday once I know more. ..
Oh Lord, no more issues, please.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Belly Update--29 Weeks!
January 13, 2012
Weight: 126#
I noticed a lot of difference between this picture and the one two weeks ago..I'll put up my 27 week picture for comparison
Whatcha think? I think I look "rounder" and higher this week. :) Yea! Looovin it!!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Crazy Little One
I just want to say that I'm harboring a crazy maniac in my body. This little one is apparently not so little anymore. He or she has kept their butt in my rib cage for the past two days. It's actually quite painful, but I still wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I vividly remember a day when I would have cut off my own arm to be pregnant ...bed rest or not.
This little one is crazy busy these days--going to town with aggressive belly contorting acrobatics. But I love every minute of it. I love being pregnant. It's pretty amazing. Very blessed.
This little one is crazy busy these days--going to town with aggressive belly contorting acrobatics. But I love every minute of it. I love being pregnant. It's pretty amazing. Very blessed.
Funny Story
So do you remember me mentioning that we had a birthing/lactation instructor come to our house to give us our Birthing and Lactation class in our home since we couldn't make it to the class gathering..well, I forgot to mention a really funny story that played out during this session.
At one point during the class it was time for the instructor to show Kevin massage techniques to use on me while I'm in labor. So the instructor had me get on all fours on our couch with my head flat on pillows in front of me, while keeping my back flat and even. So things are already feeling a little precarious... Kevin was instructed to come behind me and place his hands on both of my hips and then push and pull my hips in a swaying fashion from side to side. So Kevin obliged...slightly awkward.
Drum Roll, please..here is the punch line...
As my dear husband is swaying my hips back and forth as the instructor looks on intently Kevin busts out with, " Wow, this is the same position I saw you in the night we met!" I had no words I was so mortified. And based on the look on the instructor's face, she too was mortified. But Kevin was oblivious and laughing away at his own funny.
What he meant was not what it sounded like...at all. There was none of that. He actually meant dancing. We met in a dance bar. I was having girls night, he was having guys night. But nonetheless, it still makes a funny story...after the fact. I was pretty embarrassed in the moment, so embarrassed that I couldn't even tell her that he was really referring to dancing, not sex! So I'm fairly certain she left our house thinking she was just told something ridiculously inappropriate about our sex life. Nice.
But still funny..now.
At one point during the class it was time for the instructor to show Kevin massage techniques to use on me while I'm in labor. So the instructor had me get on all fours on our couch with my head flat on pillows in front of me, while keeping my back flat and even. So things are already feeling a little precarious... Kevin was instructed to come behind me and place his hands on both of my hips and then push and pull my hips in a swaying fashion from side to side. So Kevin obliged...slightly awkward.
Drum Roll, please..here is the punch line...
As my dear husband is swaying my hips back and forth as the instructor looks on intently Kevin busts out with, " Wow, this is the same position I saw you in the night we met!" I had no words I was so mortified. And based on the look on the instructor's face, she too was mortified. But Kevin was oblivious and laughing away at his own funny.
What he meant was not what it sounded like...at all. There was none of that. He actually meant dancing. We met in a dance bar. I was having girls night, he was having guys night. But nonetheless, it still makes a funny story...after the fact. I was pretty embarrassed in the moment, so embarrassed that I couldn't even tell her that he was really referring to dancing, not sex! So I'm fairly certain she left our house thinking she was just told something ridiculously inappropriate about our sex life. Nice.
But still funny..now.
A Little Romance...
With all of this bed rest its been important to maintain intimacy with Kevin. Since sex is out of the picture, we've had to brainstorm about other ways to make that happen. And then, something occurred to me. Intimacy does not have a mutually exclusive relationship with sex. Intimacy is not always found in sex. Having small, sweet romantic moments in one's relationship can offer a tender level of intimacy that's just as fulfilling as any romp in the hay. Although I'm pretty sure when the day comes that sex is no longer off limits, IT'S GONNA BE ON!
Kevin has been really great at keeping the romance alive. He knows me so well and what kind of things really speak to me. He has been bringing home "prizes" for me.Very thoughtful little prizes that really show that he knows me, listens to me, and loves me.
So here I am sitting in bed for like the bazillionth hour in a row while wearing the same pj's I had on the day before and in comes my husband from work or the store grinning from ear to ear with his hands behind his back telling me to pick a hand.
So far I've been given my favorite-ever candy bar, a bag of Freetos and bean dip (my horrible unhealthy weakness), a lottery ticket, a cool " days until the baby arrives countdown" that he actually made, Twizzlers..umm....are you seeing a junk food trend..?.....just to name a few.
These are the type of thoughtful gestures that tell and show someone that you really love them--when you go out of your way to choose things for someone else that you know they like...not necessarily things you like. This is the type of kind thought that shows this girl that she is loved by her hubs. And this helps me stay connected to Kevin through all of this. I know this may be a little of a stretch on saying this is keeping our intimacy alive, but it some way it is. And it's really special. I love my man. He's pretty freakin awesome. And the best part, He's all mine. :)
Kevin has been really great at keeping the romance alive. He knows me so well and what kind of things really speak to me. He has been bringing home "prizes" for me.Very thoughtful little prizes that really show that he knows me, listens to me, and loves me.
So here I am sitting in bed for like the bazillionth hour in a row while wearing the same pj's I had on the day before and in comes my husband from work or the store grinning from ear to ear with his hands behind his back telling me to pick a hand.
So far I've been given my favorite-ever candy bar, a bag of Freetos and bean dip (my horrible unhealthy weakness), a lottery ticket, a cool " days until the baby arrives countdown" that he actually made, Twizzlers..umm....are you seeing a junk food trend..?.....just to name a few.
These are the type of thoughtful gestures that tell and show someone that you really love them--when you go out of your way to choose things for someone else that you know they like...not necessarily things you like. This is the type of kind thought that shows this girl that she is loved by her hubs. And this helps me stay connected to Kevin through all of this. I know this may be a little of a stretch on saying this is keeping our intimacy alive, but it some way it is. And it's really special. I love my man. He's pretty freakin awesome. And the best part, He's all mine. :)
Lovin It!
So this bed rest thing may have its perks.
My Mom came into town a couple of days ago to stay with us for a couple of weeks to help both Kevin and I out while I'm on bed rest. I have to say, it sure is lovely. And I'm happy it's giving Kevin a small break from his servanthood. I'm lovin this being taken of by two people. :)
I awoke this morning to my Mom dusting the living room. She then moved to vacuuming the entire house and scrubbing the kitchen sink with Comet. Tomorrow, she informed me, she will be cleaning the bathrooms and walking all the dogs. After she completed all of her "chores" around the house today she headed out to the grocery store. She bought plenty to make awesome homemade meals every night. On the menu for tonight: Broiled lamb, black eyed peas over white rice with cilantro and corn bread. Yum! Yum! Yum! I love me some lamb and anything with cilantro!
So I have to say, I think this is working out really nice for me! I get waited on, my house gets cleaned, I get awesome home-cooked meals, our dogs get taken care of, and I have someone here with me during the day to keep me company. Umm..I'm thinking this bed rest thing may end up working out just fine..yes, juuust fine...:)
Kevin and I are very grateful my Mom is here. It is such a big, big help and we are very blessed that she is able to be spending this time with us. I love getting to visit! It really is so nice.
My Mom came into town a couple of days ago to stay with us for a couple of weeks to help both Kevin and I out while I'm on bed rest. I have to say, it sure is lovely. And I'm happy it's giving Kevin a small break from his servanthood. I'm lovin this being taken of by two people. :)
I awoke this morning to my Mom dusting the living room. She then moved to vacuuming the entire house and scrubbing the kitchen sink with Comet. Tomorrow, she informed me, she will be cleaning the bathrooms and walking all the dogs. After she completed all of her "chores" around the house today she headed out to the grocery store. She bought plenty to make awesome homemade meals every night. On the menu for tonight: Broiled lamb, black eyed peas over white rice with cilantro and corn bread. Yum! Yum! Yum! I love me some lamb and anything with cilantro!
So I have to say, I think this is working out really nice for me! I get waited on, my house gets cleaned, I get awesome home-cooked meals, our dogs get taken care of, and I have someone here with me during the day to keep me company. Umm..I'm thinking this bed rest thing may end up working out just fine..yes, juuust fine...:)
Kevin and I are very grateful my Mom is here. It is such a big, big help and we are very blessed that she is able to be spending this time with us. I love getting to visit! It really is so nice.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Almost 29 Weeks! Doc Update
Today was a special day. Not only was it doctor appointment day, but my Mom came into town last night to stay with us for a while to help out while I'm on bed rest, so she got to join in on the appointment fun today! It was a nice treat.
So it looks like good news today all the way around! I'm feeling awesome after such an encouraging appointment today. Thank you, Lord, for answering my prayer and providing us with a sense of stability for the coming week.
Sonogram Report:
Baby's estimated weight: 2 pounds and 9 ounces. This is a five ounce gain in a little less than two weeks.
The baby was head down again resting right on that lovely cervix. I also got to find out what has been pushing into my right rib cage today--the baby's butt. The baby is head down, with its body slanted over to my right, so its butt is in my right rib cage, and the legs are free floating on the left side of my abdomen.
We did get some 3D pics of the baby's sweet face today, although they were a little fuzzy. The baby had its hands up at his/her face, so we couldn't get a clear shot of the entire face, only the nose and mouth--which are PREFECTLY GORGEOUS, btw. I LOOOVE getting the 3D images! We seriously have a baby with gorgeous features!
My placenta is nice and high and out of the way of the cervical opening--yea--no placenta previa--and looks perfectly normal and healthy.
There was NO FUNNELING today or dilation like they found last week. I think the sono tech just didn't wait long enough after my uterine contraction last week and it caused the appearance of funneling. The other option: it got better this week. Either way, great news.
My weight today: 126#!! Awesome! This is up two pounds from what I weighed the day I was put in the hospital and up one pound from my weight a week ago. I think the Boosts are working! So glad to not be losing weight and actually gaining!
And for the biggie--my cervical length: 2.7 cm! Granted there was a tiny issue with having to use a temp. sono tech today, but she did seem knowledgeable about everything and things went smoothly with both the vaginal and abdominal sonogram, so I feel that she gave us a consistent measurement. Last week it was 2.54. I don't want to get too ahead of my self and say my cervix is getting "better", as the cervix is ever changing, but at least it's stable. Excellent news!
The baby is measuring exactly on track at 28 w 5d. He/she always seems to measure right on track--no less and never too much more. Awesome news. Glad to know the baby is still growing normally despite a little slow down in my weight gain.
The baby's heart rate was 131 beats per minute today--the lowest it has ever been.
I think my Mom may have been my good luck charm. I need to bring her every week!
As for the visit with the doc:
We talked about some of my chest pains, rapid heart rate, and shortness of breath from the Procardia. She does not feel like it's a true allergic reaction or that it is putting me in any danger. Although she is a little concerned that it may be lowering my blood pressure too low after taking it. So I get to start taking my resting HR before and after taking it and report back to her. But if my symptoms stay mild, then her plan is to keep me on Procardia until 36 weeks.
I have made up my mind that I want to start taking vaginal progesterone to see if it helps my preterm labor--if for nothing else, my own peace of mind. So she obliged and gave me a script to start taking Prometrium 200 mg once a day. She prefers Crinone, but I don't, plus, Crinone is far more costly than Prometrium, and since we're paying out of pocket, I stuck with the $120 script vs. the $500 script. I'll start tonight.
And still no sex until 32-34 weeks. ARG! I even asked if we could use a condom since semen causes contractions and be really gentle...and I promised not to orgasm, which also causes contractions. It would just be a great way to maintain our intimacy with one another. ( Body massages only work for so long.) It was a clear cut--no. Geez...there are only so many things one can do to maintain intimacy for weeks and weeks. This was a lovely conversation to be had with my mother sitting next to me, by the way. It was actually my mother who chimed in to say, " Well, yall just need to get creative!" Nice, Mom.
I also inquired about the likelihood of my OB delivering our baby. She said she delivers her own patients about 75-80% of the time. There are six docs in the practice and they rotate being on call on the weekends, so if we go into labor over a weekend we have a 1 in 6 chance of getting my OB. Don't love that, but I understand they have to have a normal life with family time too. I feel really confident everyone in the practice is super great and well qualified, that's not my concern. My question was how it works with specific birthing requests I have that I've already discussed with my OB--will all the doctors in the practice honor all of my requests? She said just bring a birth plan and make sure it gets passed on to my L/D nurse and any of the docs in the practice will honor anything I've discussed with my OB. Good news, again!
The plan is to see her again next week and keep on keepin' on with the same routine.
All around we got fantastic news today! Feeling really blessed and like I just dropped 100 pounds from my shoulders. I know, I know, I shouldn't carry this burden anyway, it's really too big for my suitcase. It's really God's luggage to carry, not mine.
I'm so so thankful for all of the blessings we received today. :)
So it looks like good news today all the way around! I'm feeling awesome after such an encouraging appointment today. Thank you, Lord, for answering my prayer and providing us with a sense of stability for the coming week.
Sonogram Report:
Baby's estimated weight: 2 pounds and 9 ounces. This is a five ounce gain in a little less than two weeks.
The baby was head down again resting right on that lovely cervix. I also got to find out what has been pushing into my right rib cage today--the baby's butt. The baby is head down, with its body slanted over to my right, so its butt is in my right rib cage, and the legs are free floating on the left side of my abdomen.
We did get some 3D pics of the baby's sweet face today, although they were a little fuzzy. The baby had its hands up at his/her face, so we couldn't get a clear shot of the entire face, only the nose and mouth--which are PREFECTLY GORGEOUS, btw. I LOOOVE getting the 3D images! We seriously have a baby with gorgeous features!
My placenta is nice and high and out of the way of the cervical opening--yea--no placenta previa--and looks perfectly normal and healthy.
There was NO FUNNELING today or dilation like they found last week. I think the sono tech just didn't wait long enough after my uterine contraction last week and it caused the appearance of funneling. The other option: it got better this week. Either way, great news.
My weight today: 126#!! Awesome! This is up two pounds from what I weighed the day I was put in the hospital and up one pound from my weight a week ago. I think the Boosts are working! So glad to not be losing weight and actually gaining!
And for the biggie--my cervical length: 2.7 cm! Granted there was a tiny issue with having to use a temp. sono tech today, but she did seem knowledgeable about everything and things went smoothly with both the vaginal and abdominal sonogram, so I feel that she gave us a consistent measurement. Last week it was 2.54. I don't want to get too ahead of my self and say my cervix is getting "better", as the cervix is ever changing, but at least it's stable. Excellent news!
The baby is measuring exactly on track at 28 w 5d. He/she always seems to measure right on track--no less and never too much more. Awesome news. Glad to know the baby is still growing normally despite a little slow down in my weight gain.
The baby's heart rate was 131 beats per minute today--the lowest it has ever been.
I think my Mom may have been my good luck charm. I need to bring her every week!
As for the visit with the doc:
We talked about some of my chest pains, rapid heart rate, and shortness of breath from the Procardia. She does not feel like it's a true allergic reaction or that it is putting me in any danger. Although she is a little concerned that it may be lowering my blood pressure too low after taking it. So I get to start taking my resting HR before and after taking it and report back to her. But if my symptoms stay mild, then her plan is to keep me on Procardia until 36 weeks.
I have made up my mind that I want to start taking vaginal progesterone to see if it helps my preterm labor--if for nothing else, my own peace of mind. So she obliged and gave me a script to start taking Prometrium 200 mg once a day. She prefers Crinone, but I don't, plus, Crinone is far more costly than Prometrium, and since we're paying out of pocket, I stuck with the $120 script vs. the $500 script. I'll start tonight.
And still no sex until 32-34 weeks. ARG! I even asked if we could use a condom since semen causes contractions and be really gentle...and I promised not to orgasm, which also causes contractions. It would just be a great way to maintain our intimacy with one another. ( Body massages only work for so long.) It was a clear cut--no. Geez...there are only so many things one can do to maintain intimacy for weeks and weeks. This was a lovely conversation to be had with my mother sitting next to me, by the way. It was actually my mother who chimed in to say, " Well, yall just need to get creative!" Nice, Mom.
I also inquired about the likelihood of my OB delivering our baby. She said she delivers her own patients about 75-80% of the time. There are six docs in the practice and they rotate being on call on the weekends, so if we go into labor over a weekend we have a 1 in 6 chance of getting my OB. Don't love that, but I understand they have to have a normal life with family time too. I feel really confident everyone in the practice is super great and well qualified, that's not my concern. My question was how it works with specific birthing requests I have that I've already discussed with my OB--will all the doctors in the practice honor all of my requests? She said just bring a birth plan and make sure it gets passed on to my L/D nurse and any of the docs in the practice will honor anything I've discussed with my OB. Good news, again!
The plan is to see her again next week and keep on keepin' on with the same routine.
All around we got fantastic news today! Feeling really blessed and like I just dropped 100 pounds from my shoulders. I know, I know, I shouldn't carry this burden anyway, it's really too big for my suitcase. It's really God's luggage to carry, not mine.
I'm so so thankful for all of the blessings we received today. :)
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Making Progress
Now that I'm home from my hospital experience, I know how quickly our situation can change. I could be placed back into the hospital for extended hospital bed rest at any time or even deliver at any moment. That's the thing about preterm labor and an incompetent cervix, both are dynamic and fast changing.
With that said, I came home with even more fervor to get things accomplished. I hated the feeling of being rushed to the hospital from a regular OB appointment only to be stuck in a hospital bed suffering with angst over all that still needed to be accomplished.
Once I came home, it was on...just from the bed and the laptop instead of me trekking all over town. I went through all of my to-do lists, organized them and divided out tasks and started getting things checked off.
The nursery is now complete. We just got the last item in the mail today, our crib skirt. I've cancelled our hospital tour after getting in touch with the person in charge of the labor and delivery tours and having an "over the phone tour" to ask my final questions. Luckily, my recent hospital stay answered most of my questions.
We've completed our birthing/lactation classes.
We've completed our registry(S)
The baby shower invites are being worked on this week and will be mailed out by the end of the month.
Maternity photos are scheduled, which will likely be at our home or the photographers home..or outside like we originally planned if we're stable and still pregnant by the time our first choice photo session rolls around in mid-February.
I have ordered some things to help prepare our dogs for having a newborn in the house
I've called and asked how long we have to add the baby to our insurance--30 days
We've made a decision on cord blood banking--we're not going to do it
We've made a pediatrician selection
We've ordered, printed, and filled out multiple "legal" documents to have notarized, which we will do after I make it to 32 weeks
I've ordered a fun T Shirt for Kevin to wear the day we deliver
I've completed a list of friends and family that will need to be notified once we go into labor to have packed in our hospital bag
The last thing I'm still working on is buying items for our hospital bag, i.e, nursing bra, a robe, pjs, baby outfits, etc. I will work on getting these final items ordered over the weekend and next week so we can get everything packed up!
I love progress.
With that said, I came home with even more fervor to get things accomplished. I hated the feeling of being rushed to the hospital from a regular OB appointment only to be stuck in a hospital bed suffering with angst over all that still needed to be accomplished.
Once I came home, it was on...just from the bed and the laptop instead of me trekking all over town. I went through all of my to-do lists, organized them and divided out tasks and started getting things checked off.
The nursery is now complete. We just got the last item in the mail today, our crib skirt. I've cancelled our hospital tour after getting in touch with the person in charge of the labor and delivery tours and having an "over the phone tour" to ask my final questions. Luckily, my recent hospital stay answered most of my questions.
We've completed our birthing/lactation classes.
We've completed our registry(S)
The baby shower invites are being worked on this week and will be mailed out by the end of the month.
Maternity photos are scheduled, which will likely be at our home or the photographers home..or outside like we originally planned if we're stable and still pregnant by the time our first choice photo session rolls around in mid-February.
I have ordered some things to help prepare our dogs for having a newborn in the house
I've called and asked how long we have to add the baby to our insurance--30 days
We've made a decision on cord blood banking--we're not going to do it
We've made a pediatrician selection
We've ordered, printed, and filled out multiple "legal" documents to have notarized, which we will do after I make it to 32 weeks
I've ordered a fun T Shirt for Kevin to wear the day we deliver
I've completed a list of friends and family that will need to be notified once we go into labor to have packed in our hospital bag
The last thing I'm still working on is buying items for our hospital bag, i.e, nursing bra, a robe, pjs, baby outfits, etc. I will work on getting these final items ordered over the weekend and next week so we can get everything packed up!
I love progress.
My Thoughts Exactly..
Since I'm home all day alone with my thoughts, dangerous, I know, I can't help but wonder daily about Baby Wicker and his/her fate.
I often think..
I wonder what day within the next two months will be our baby's birth date?
Will we at least make it to 34 weeks? Please..!
How will my next sono go? Should I prepare for being rehospitalized?
I'm so thankful we were early birds and got so many things done for the baby before all of this started. God really blessed us here. Thank you, God, for speaking to both of us and making sure we got so much done.
How will I bond with our baby while their in the NICU? Will the lack of touch from me and Kevin harm how well our baby does indefinitely? Will it harm our relationship with him/her indefinitely?
Will I freak out the first time I walk into the NICU and see our baby? How will I recognize our baby? God, this seems so unnatural! Will we get depressed, will we quickly figure out a way to make it through?
Here is a quote from a mom of a preemie who had a baby who had to stay in the NICU for months, and regardless of the time our baby may have to spend in the NICU, I echo her exact thought and it already breaks my heart:
"I felt somehow like she got "kicked out" of my body and I still feel ripped off about losing the last ten weeks of my pregnancy. Having to go home without her was the worst day of my life. When I first got her home, I used to hold her and cry and cry because I felt like a bad mother for not carrying her to term."
...obviously this is guilt already setting in for me. Guilt is not of God. I have to claim that as real truth. But I find it soo difficult to push this thought from my heart and mind. I already feel incredibly guilty that any of this is happening. I feel like I'm totally failing our baby, truly. It's quite heartbreaking to already feel like an inadequate parent before you've even met your baby.
I'm trying to work through all of this now rather than being in shock later and be severely ill equipped to handle the situation at hand. Our baby will need me to be rational, healthy, and stable.
I often think..
I wonder what day within the next two months will be our baby's birth date?
Will we at least make it to 34 weeks? Please..!
How will my next sono go? Should I prepare for being rehospitalized?
I'm so thankful we were early birds and got so many things done for the baby before all of this started. God really blessed us here. Thank you, God, for speaking to both of us and making sure we got so much done.
How will I bond with our baby while their in the NICU? Will the lack of touch from me and Kevin harm how well our baby does indefinitely? Will it harm our relationship with him/her indefinitely?
Will I freak out the first time I walk into the NICU and see our baby? How will I recognize our baby? God, this seems so unnatural! Will we get depressed, will we quickly figure out a way to make it through?
Here is a quote from a mom of a preemie who had a baby who had to stay in the NICU for months, and regardless of the time our baby may have to spend in the NICU, I echo her exact thought and it already breaks my heart:
"I felt somehow like she got "kicked out" of my body and I still feel ripped off about losing the last ten weeks of my pregnancy. Having to go home without her was the worst day of my life. When I first got her home, I used to hold her and cry and cry because I felt like a bad mother for not carrying her to term."
...obviously this is guilt already setting in for me. Guilt is not of God. I have to claim that as real truth. But I find it soo difficult to push this thought from my heart and mind. I already feel incredibly guilty that any of this is happening. I feel like I'm totally failing our baby, truly. It's quite heartbreaking to already feel like an inadequate parent before you've even met your baby.
I'm trying to work through all of this now rather than being in shock later and be severely ill equipped to handle the situation at hand. Our baby will need me to be rational, healthy, and stable.
Monday, January 9, 2012
One more Day
One more day to go until I head back to the OB to find out what the damage is this week---translation: how much more length I've lost from my cervix. Of course, I pray like a mad women that all looks amazing and that my cervix has lengthened some and the funneling has disappeared. But I have to be prepared for not so great news given that I've lost length every week since this all started.
One more day, then off to a Wednesday morning appointment. Can't wait. I love checking these appointments off the list. It's one more week that our Bean is safely tucked away, not struggling to live inside a NICU incubator, and one more week closer to meeting our Bean. So my weekly appointments thus far have always been bitter sweet.
Oh and the other very bitter part about all of these appointments from here on out---insurance claims and money owed. UHG. Our outrageous deductible started over this month, January, which means that all of these weekly doc visits, sonograms, FFN's, and urine tests will all be out of pocket for us. Nice. So this means I will have to go and have a consult with my OB's financial office to discuss how this will all work given we have already prepaid $2400 of our 2012 insurance deductible to them for the delivery of the baby, but of course they can't file this with the insurance until we give birth. I hate insurance and doctor's offices when it comes to stuff like this! It's surely going to give me more contractions. No bueno.
One more day, then off to a Wednesday morning appointment. Can't wait. I love checking these appointments off the list. It's one more week that our Bean is safely tucked away, not struggling to live inside a NICU incubator, and one more week closer to meeting our Bean. So my weekly appointments thus far have always been bitter sweet.
Oh and the other very bitter part about all of these appointments from here on out---insurance claims and money owed. UHG. Our outrageous deductible started over this month, January, which means that all of these weekly doc visits, sonograms, FFN's, and urine tests will all be out of pocket for us. Nice. So this means I will have to go and have a consult with my OB's financial office to discuss how this will all work given we have already prepaid $2400 of our 2012 insurance deductible to them for the delivery of the baby, but of course they can't file this with the insurance until we give birth. I hate insurance and doctor's offices when it comes to stuff like this! It's surely going to give me more contractions. No bueno.
Random Rant
Do you know what irritates me...well, I should say, do you know what is irritating me this second, because we all know a lot irritates me.
Women who are pregnant for like a second and " are having soo many pregnancy symptoms!" Seriously? I'm referring to women who claim to have blue veins all over their boobs or who have leaking boobs at like 5 or six weeks pregnant. Or those who say things like, " I think I'm already showing at 8 weeks" or " wow, I can smell everything!" or " I can't stop craving things.."
Please. I didn't have any of these other than having sore boobs from progesterone, which every woman is exposed to at every ovulatory cycle she has, until I was well into my pregnancy. Almost all of the "classic" pregnancy symptoms are caused from some hormonal change, and it takes some time to reach these peak hormones levels and to have an induction of full blown pregnancy symptoms.
For the record, blue veins in the boobs and chest is caused by vasodilation from high estrogen. I had sky high estrogen AND was on supplemental estrogen through out my entire first trimester and never saw these lovely blue veins until I was well into my second trimester. I know, I know, every pregnant women is different and one can't classify any pregnancy as "normal" or truly textbook with regard to symptoms. However, I find these types of declarations from newly pregnant woman highly obnoxious. We all know that women have powerful minds, which become even more powerful when we really want something to be true or are really excited that we're finally pregnant, but, please, stop chronicling your over the top symptoms to everyone else. It's annoying to those like me who think you're just making stuff up to get attention. It's especially annoying to "infertile" women like me who aren't currently pregnant.
Okay..rant complete.
Women who are pregnant for like a second and " are having soo many pregnancy symptoms!" Seriously? I'm referring to women who claim to have blue veins all over their boobs or who have leaking boobs at like 5 or six weeks pregnant. Or those who say things like, " I think I'm already showing at 8 weeks" or " wow, I can smell everything!" or " I can't stop craving things.."
Please. I didn't have any of these other than having sore boobs from progesterone, which every woman is exposed to at every ovulatory cycle she has, until I was well into my pregnancy. Almost all of the "classic" pregnancy symptoms are caused from some hormonal change, and it takes some time to reach these peak hormones levels and to have an induction of full blown pregnancy symptoms.
For the record, blue veins in the boobs and chest is caused by vasodilation from high estrogen. I had sky high estrogen AND was on supplemental estrogen through out my entire first trimester and never saw these lovely blue veins until I was well into my second trimester. I know, I know, every pregnant women is different and one can't classify any pregnancy as "normal" or truly textbook with regard to symptoms. However, I find these types of declarations from newly pregnant woman highly obnoxious. We all know that women have powerful minds, which become even more powerful when we really want something to be true or are really excited that we're finally pregnant, but, please, stop chronicling your over the top symptoms to everyone else. It's annoying to those like me who think you're just making stuff up to get attention. It's especially annoying to "infertile" women like me who aren't currently pregnant.
Okay..rant complete.
Bed Rest Nazi
I think the bed rest Nazi, aka my husband, may be slacking on this duties. I think it's fair to say that he's pretty much over having to work full time and care for me and four dogs full time as well. I can see it's quite the responsibility and tiring. But I guess its his 50% of the sacrifice.
For me this works out okay, as this means I'm not being watched like a hawk every time I attempt to leave the couch or bed. Lord have mercy, they tell me to drink a gallon of water a day--I have to pee literally every 20 minutes!
We'll see how this whole thing plays out over the next how ever many weeks I have left. I have 3.5 weeks left until my doc said she would give me more freedoms, such as going out to dinner occasionally. Whoo hoo! I can do it, I can do it!
For me this works out okay, as this means I'm not being watched like a hawk every time I attempt to leave the couch or bed. Lord have mercy, they tell me to drink a gallon of water a day--I have to pee literally every 20 minutes!
We'll see how this whole thing plays out over the next how ever many weeks I have left. I have 3.5 weeks left until my doc said she would give me more freedoms, such as going out to dinner occasionally. Whoo hoo! I can do it, I can do it!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Pregnancy Supplements
This post is really for me, so I can remember all that I am taking/took while pregnant...
I'm 28 weeks..
Prescription Prenatal: OB Prefera One with DHA -- plant based ( I don't particularly love this vitamin, although it does have really high levels of Vitamin B which are supposed to help with morning sickness..and I never had any. But it doesn't have vitamin A and a few other things one is used to seeing on a multi vitamin label. I only stuck with this vitamin because it is the one that our RE put me one before starting IVF..and our insurance covered this RX at 100%..so why not. But now that our deductible has started over for the year, this RX costs $100 a month... I don't think so. So I'll be moving to an OTC vitamin. )
Vitamin D: 2000 IU. This is an addition to the 400 IU that is in my prenatal vitamin. At the beginning of the pregnancy I took 5000 IU daily. So many benefits for me and the baby....The majority of all Americans are deficient in vitamin D.
Vitamin C: 125mg. This is an addition to my prenatal. Studies have found that this dose helps prevent PROM, which can occur when one has funneling in their cervix, which I have. Started week 28 at this dose.
A Triple Strength Fish Oil: 950 mg Omega 3's-- fish based. Mercury free. Of course, there are many benefits to fish oil, but one of them is to minimize preterm labor and to also cultivate rapid and optimal brain development in the baby in the third trimester. 95% of all Americans are deficient in the proper ratio of fatty acids. For some weird reason I stopped taking my fish oil supplement once I found out I was pregnant and just stuck with the small amount of DHA in my prenatal. I wish I would not have done this. I did not start retaking this again until week 28.
Dark Chocolate: I eat at least a few pieces of dark chocolate daily. I began this at the beginning of the pregnancy. Too many benefits for me and baby to list.
Green Tea DeCaff: I am doing the decaff version since I'm having it daily, which does minimize some of its benefit. Since some speculate that it may block small amounts of folic acid, I didn't begin this regime until the second trimester and I also take a higher, prescription dose of folic acid daily--1mg. I have one cup of tea per day. Lowers the risk of preeclampsia and studies support that it helps to promote a smarter, happier, and calmer baby. ...and it relaxes me while drinking it.
Miralax: I have taken this laxative/stool softener as needed throughout the second and third trimesters.
Colace: This is the stool softener I was given in the hospital, as bed rest causes constipation, so they gave it to me without me having to ask. I used this as needed mainly in the third trimester.
In the very beginning of the pregnancy I took extra Zinc --about 15 mg extra--and also took AZO yeast probiotic as well as an intestinal probiotic. I realized sometime in the first trimester that I wasn't comfortable taking a product with herbs that for sure are not studied in pregnancy, so I discontinued AZO Yeast tabs. I discontinued the extra zinc and intestinal probiotic sometime in the second trimester.
Slow Release Iron: I became borderline anemic early in the second trimester. It was discovered that I was moderately anemic in week 24. Began a slow release iron supplement in week 25 and never discontinued.
Procardia: A medication used to lower blood pressure, as it is a smooth muscle relaxer, 10 mg every 6 hours starting in week 25 for preterm labor.
Progesterone, Estrogen, and Baby Aspirin: Began all of these around the time of our embryo transfer during our IVF cycle and discontinued them at 14 weeks.
Ambien: I used this sleeping pill twice while in the hospital to finally get some sleep.
Steroids: I had two injections, 24 hours a part, in my 25 th week to help mature the baby's lungs and blood vessels in the brain in case of premature delivery.
I declined a flu vaccine.
I used salicylic acid topically the entire pregnancy as a spot treatment, which is perfectly fine according to my OB.
The entire pregnancy I have drank a minimum of 60 oz to 120 oz of water per day. No juices and only an occasional caffeine drink, but I mostly drank caffeine-free Pepsi if I was really craving a coke.
I consumed no artificial sweeteners at all.
I had no caffeine in the first trimester and avoided all fish and lunch meat. After the first trimester I did have some occasional caffeine other than the very small amount I get in my dark chocolate, as well as an occasional lunch meat sand which. But I usually heated the meat prior to eating.
I avoided eating fish and tuna and ate peanut butter only occasionally in the first and second trimesters. I stopped eating peanut butter all together in the third trimester as there is some evidence that shows peanut exposure in the third trimester can increase the likelihood of your baby having a peanut allergy. However minimal, I'm still skipping it.
Here are some natural methods that are often used by midwives to prevent/stop preterm labor that I will be adding to the mix in my 28th/29th week in conjunction with everything above:
Drinking Boost drinks daily
Consuming large quantities of protein, with a goal of 80 mg a day
Calcium: 1500 mg daily
Magnesium: 400 mg daily
Consuming live cultures in items such as yogurt to ensure that the pH pf my body is in line
Consuming fresh cherries ( which I already eat anyway, and I LOVE...score!)
And if I'm feeling up to it, an occasional glass of red wine, which is known to inhibit the hormone that causes contractions. AND, no country has ever been able to produce a study to-date that shows that a weekly glass of wine causes any detriment to the baby. Actually, studies show there are cognitive benefits to the baby.
I know some may think this all sounds crazy, but I much rather explore "natural" methods as I haate taking medications that aren't even proven safe in pregnancy (Procardia). You have to be your own advocate. Doctors don't know everything. I'm hoping to be able to control my contractions naturally so I can come off the medications my doc has me on---with her permission, of course. I'm doing all of this for the health of our baby, so I would never do anything to jeopardize our Bean and the pregnancy. :) Pray that it works!
Of course, all of this is done AFTER tons of prayer first. I pray boldly for our Bean every day. I claim a healthy, term baby through our mighty Lord's Will.
I'm 28 weeks..
Prescription Prenatal: OB Prefera One with DHA -- plant based ( I don't particularly love this vitamin, although it does have really high levels of Vitamin B which are supposed to help with morning sickness..and I never had any. But it doesn't have vitamin A and a few other things one is used to seeing on a multi vitamin label. I only stuck with this vitamin because it is the one that our RE put me one before starting IVF..and our insurance covered this RX at 100%..so why not. But now that our deductible has started over for the year, this RX costs $100 a month... I don't think so. So I'll be moving to an OTC vitamin. )
Vitamin D: 2000 IU. This is an addition to the 400 IU that is in my prenatal vitamin. At the beginning of the pregnancy I took 5000 IU daily. So many benefits for me and the baby....The majority of all Americans are deficient in vitamin D.
Vitamin C: 125mg. This is an addition to my prenatal. Studies have found that this dose helps prevent PROM, which can occur when one has funneling in their cervix, which I have. Started week 28 at this dose.
A Triple Strength Fish Oil: 950 mg Omega 3's-- fish based. Mercury free. Of course, there are many benefits to fish oil, but one of them is to minimize preterm labor and to also cultivate rapid and optimal brain development in the baby in the third trimester. 95% of all Americans are deficient in the proper ratio of fatty acids. For some weird reason I stopped taking my fish oil supplement once I found out I was pregnant and just stuck with the small amount of DHA in my prenatal. I wish I would not have done this. I did not start retaking this again until week 28.
Dark Chocolate: I eat at least a few pieces of dark chocolate daily. I began this at the beginning of the pregnancy. Too many benefits for me and baby to list.
Green Tea DeCaff: I am doing the decaff version since I'm having it daily, which does minimize some of its benefit. Since some speculate that it may block small amounts of folic acid, I didn't begin this regime until the second trimester and I also take a higher, prescription dose of folic acid daily--1mg. I have one cup of tea per day. Lowers the risk of preeclampsia and studies support that it helps to promote a smarter, happier, and calmer baby. ...and it relaxes me while drinking it.
Miralax: I have taken this laxative/stool softener as needed throughout the second and third trimesters.
Colace: This is the stool softener I was given in the hospital, as bed rest causes constipation, so they gave it to me without me having to ask. I used this as needed mainly in the third trimester.
In the very beginning of the pregnancy I took extra Zinc --about 15 mg extra--and also took AZO yeast probiotic as well as an intestinal probiotic. I realized sometime in the first trimester that I wasn't comfortable taking a product with herbs that for sure are not studied in pregnancy, so I discontinued AZO Yeast tabs. I discontinued the extra zinc and intestinal probiotic sometime in the second trimester.
Slow Release Iron: I became borderline anemic early in the second trimester. It was discovered that I was moderately anemic in week 24. Began a slow release iron supplement in week 25 and never discontinued.
Procardia: A medication used to lower blood pressure, as it is a smooth muscle relaxer, 10 mg every 6 hours starting in week 25 for preterm labor.
Progesterone, Estrogen, and Baby Aspirin: Began all of these around the time of our embryo transfer during our IVF cycle and discontinued them at 14 weeks.
Ambien: I used this sleeping pill twice while in the hospital to finally get some sleep.
Steroids: I had two injections, 24 hours a part, in my 25 th week to help mature the baby's lungs and blood vessels in the brain in case of premature delivery.
I declined a flu vaccine.
I used salicylic acid topically the entire pregnancy as a spot treatment, which is perfectly fine according to my OB.
The entire pregnancy I have drank a minimum of 60 oz to 120 oz of water per day. No juices and only an occasional caffeine drink, but I mostly drank caffeine-free Pepsi if I was really craving a coke.
I consumed no artificial sweeteners at all.
I had no caffeine in the first trimester and avoided all fish and lunch meat. After the first trimester I did have some occasional caffeine other than the very small amount I get in my dark chocolate, as well as an occasional lunch meat sand which. But I usually heated the meat prior to eating.
I avoided eating fish and tuna and ate peanut butter only occasionally in the first and second trimesters. I stopped eating peanut butter all together in the third trimester as there is some evidence that shows peanut exposure in the third trimester can increase the likelihood of your baby having a peanut allergy. However minimal, I'm still skipping it.
Here are some natural methods that are often used by midwives to prevent/stop preterm labor that I will be adding to the mix in my 28th/29th week in conjunction with everything above:
Drinking Boost drinks daily
Consuming large quantities of protein, with a goal of 80 mg a day
Calcium: 1500 mg daily
Magnesium: 400 mg daily
Consuming live cultures in items such as yogurt to ensure that the pH pf my body is in line
Consuming fresh cherries ( which I already eat anyway, and I LOVE...score!)
And if I'm feeling up to it, an occasional glass of red wine, which is known to inhibit the hormone that causes contractions. AND, no country has ever been able to produce a study to-date that shows that a weekly glass of wine causes any detriment to the baby. Actually, studies show there are cognitive benefits to the baby.
I know some may think this all sounds crazy, but I much rather explore "natural" methods as I haate taking medications that aren't even proven safe in pregnancy (Procardia). You have to be your own advocate. Doctors don't know everything. I'm hoping to be able to control my contractions naturally so I can come off the medications my doc has me on---with her permission, of course. I'm doing all of this for the health of our baby, so I would never do anything to jeopardize our Bean and the pregnancy. :) Pray that it works!
Of course, all of this is done AFTER tons of prayer first. I pray boldly for our Bean every day. I claim a healthy, term baby through our mighty Lord's Will.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Birthing/Lactation/Baby Basics Class....CHECK!
I think I have mentioned this before, but we had a small change of plans with our scheduled birth/lactation/baby basics classes. Since the doc nixed us going to the group class as planned, we contacted the instructor and planned for her to come to our house and give us a one-on-one class.
Well we had this class this evening. This was after she dropped off tons of reading material and DVDs last week for us to go over in preparation for our meeting today. It was three full hours full of lots of great info. We covered eeeeeverything there is to know about breast bumps, how we need to breathe during labor, how Kevin needs to massage me, how to properly swaddle a baby...and the best part..I had a breast assessment in our living room.
Dumb me, I was not expecting this! It totally through me off guard when she asked to take a look at my nipples. LOL Apparently all my parts look normal and she sees no reason I should have difficulty breastfeeding. Yea! Although I found the whole thing a little odd. Maybe it was the fact that I was sitting in my living room with my left boob hanging out with a stranger sitting beside me showing me how to hold my nipple while I pretend breastfed a fake baby. Oh, and while my husband watched.
Glad we had the class. One more thing checked off the list! Yea! I do feel more prepared.
Have I mentioned lately that my back is kiiiilling me? Or that I'm obviously losing muscle mass in my legs? Or that I have horrible muscle aches in my legs that keep me up at night? Dang bed rest! UHG!
Well we had this class this evening. This was after she dropped off tons of reading material and DVDs last week for us to go over in preparation for our meeting today. It was three full hours full of lots of great info. We covered eeeeeverything there is to know about breast bumps, how we need to breathe during labor, how Kevin needs to massage me, how to properly swaddle a baby...and the best part..I had a breast assessment in our living room.
Dumb me, I was not expecting this! It totally through me off guard when she asked to take a look at my nipples. LOL Apparently all my parts look normal and she sees no reason I should have difficulty breastfeeding. Yea! Although I found the whole thing a little odd. Maybe it was the fact that I was sitting in my living room with my left boob hanging out with a stranger sitting beside me showing me how to hold my nipple while I pretend breastfed a fake baby. Oh, and while my husband watched.
Glad we had the class. One more thing checked off the list! Yea! I do feel more prepared.
Have I mentioned lately that my back is kiiiilling me? Or that I'm obviously losing muscle mass in my legs? Or that I have horrible muscle aches in my legs that keep me up at night? Dang bed rest! UHG!
It's Official
It's official, my size four jeans are no longer fitting. They got me through 28 or so weeks. I think they did a great job getting me to this point. But it's on to maternity pants. But how does one buy maternity pants while on bed rest when the only option is online. But I'm so short that every pair of pants I ever buy are way too long..and always have to be hemmed. Hmm..I'll have to get creative...quickly. I can't show up to my OB appointments in boxer shorts. :) But at least I'm growing!
Please Don't Let it be True
A couple of nights ago Kevin and I were hanging in the living room exchanging some casual conversation. It wasn't particularly deep or serious, but I do believe it was a baby related conversation..of course. I was telling Kevin that there is a part of me that's very scared to actually deliver and have our baby here, outside of me.
While the baby is still inside of me, there is some level of peace and comfort that comes along with that. Yes, we're having some problems with the pregnancy and things are not ideal, which could end up jeopardizing the baby; but that's the extent of the "damage". I know the baby is in the safest place possible right now and I'm free from having to worry about anything being wrong with the baby as long as I'm still carrying it. But once the baby is actually here, that opens us up a whole new world. There is a part of me that is fearful that the worst will affect the baby. I know it is not totally rational thinking, but given how much we have had to go through to get here, it seems like, of course, why wouldn't there be major issues with the baby.
This makes me literally scared to have the baby here. I'm not really afraid of the actual delivery, but just having our baby outside of the womb and what that possibly will set us and the baby up for. Maybe it's just all the talk, concern, and preparation we're doing to get ready for a preemie. I really feel scared about it though, genuinely. I don't know how I will handle anymore bad news. Lord, please let our baby and delivery be as normal and healthy as it possibly can for its gestational age. Please.
Also, some where wrapped up into this fear, I am literally devastated by the idea of having a preemie. I fiercely do not want this for our baby. Yes, I know most preemies, and even a lot of mircopreemies will survive with medical intervention. But do I want my baby to only survive because of extreme medical intervention as they battle to reach milestones so they can one day be released from the hospital. No! I'm petrified of this reality. I'm not scared for me. I know I will rise to the challenge, be the very best advocate for our baby, and will go above and beyond to make sure our baby is as healthy and happy as possible. But the very bottom line here is that, yes, even though we will very likely have a take-home baby, I want more than this for our baby and for Kevin and I.
I think people like to romanticize the journey of preemies in some aspect. We like to tell the inspiring stories of how they pull through and battle multiple obstacles only to become their parents' miracle baby. But the sad reality is that preemies, even those born just before term at 35 weeks, still face life long struggles. They often don't reach milestones on time, they have speech issues and need speech therapy, they have learning disabilities -- however small, and new literature also points to preemies being less successful in life as adults and being more prone to health ailments and diseases. The body does amazing things that allow preemies to survive and live very similarly to others, but mother nature dictates 40 weeks of gestation for a reason. So it seems totally plausible that there are long term effects of being a preemie. I feel like I want to adamantly protest this path for our baby and for us. But to whom do I protest?! God? My body? You can't help but feel helpless when you are at the mercy of your cruddy body that has a history of not doing things the right way.
Sorry, I wasn't planning on going into all of that, but I guess I needed to. So as Kevin and I were discussing my above feelings, he validated how I was feeling and seemed to completely see how I would feel this way. I think he sometimes feels the same. Kevin went on to say something that I didn't want to hear. Not because his statement was ugly or wasn't possibly true, actually my thoughts have often echoed his, but hearing someone else voice it made it more real, more true, and I wasn't ready to wrestle the possibility of it being true. It was too difficult.
Kevin said, " So do you ever think that you and I together just aren't meant to procreate?" I know he in no way meant to be hurtful by saying this, but given my current emotional state, I did not want to hear my husband utter these words to me. At all. It was as if I had just learned a really hard truth that I had been running from for a long time. In that split second many emotions flooded over me. I immediately thought, " oh my God, if someone else also thinks this, then there is a good chance it's true!" And this is a truth I am not ready to accept. And if it is true than this means we have just brought a life into this world that may be doomed because of our decision to pursue IVF. And if this is true than it's all our fault that our sweet baby is facing a premature birth and subsequent life long struggles. And if this is true, did we not hear God correctly through all of our prayers when deciding to proceed with infertility treatments? Oh my goodness, the implications were enormous.
I give this all to God everyday. I pray daily that being pregnant, our baby, fertility treatments, whatever it is, but all that is baby--is not an idol in my life, that it is not put first in my life. God should always be placed first and as my top priority. This will enable me to better navigate through the tough challenges we're up against. I HAVE to glorify God through this--for my sanity. It really will make the entire experience sweet. The bottom line: God ordained our pregnancy, as He allowed life to develop as a result of our IVF cycle. So this is His will; therefore, our baby and any future babies all rest in His hands. I feel it through my bones that God is literally writing my testimony this very second, and it's going to be amazing and utterly defining. So glad God loves me like He does!
While the baby is still inside of me, there is some level of peace and comfort that comes along with that. Yes, we're having some problems with the pregnancy and things are not ideal, which could end up jeopardizing the baby; but that's the extent of the "damage". I know the baby is in the safest place possible right now and I'm free from having to worry about anything being wrong with the baby as long as I'm still carrying it. But once the baby is actually here, that opens us up a whole new world. There is a part of me that is fearful that the worst will affect the baby. I know it is not totally rational thinking, but given how much we have had to go through to get here, it seems like, of course, why wouldn't there be major issues with the baby.
This makes me literally scared to have the baby here. I'm not really afraid of the actual delivery, but just having our baby outside of the womb and what that possibly will set us and the baby up for. Maybe it's just all the talk, concern, and preparation we're doing to get ready for a preemie. I really feel scared about it though, genuinely. I don't know how I will handle anymore bad news. Lord, please let our baby and delivery be as normal and healthy as it possibly can for its gestational age. Please.
Also, some where wrapped up into this fear, I am literally devastated by the idea of having a preemie. I fiercely do not want this for our baby. Yes, I know most preemies, and even a lot of mircopreemies will survive with medical intervention. But do I want my baby to only survive because of extreme medical intervention as they battle to reach milestones so they can one day be released from the hospital. No! I'm petrified of this reality. I'm not scared for me. I know I will rise to the challenge, be the very best advocate for our baby, and will go above and beyond to make sure our baby is as healthy and happy as possible. But the very bottom line here is that, yes, even though we will very likely have a take-home baby, I want more than this for our baby and for Kevin and I.
I think people like to romanticize the journey of preemies in some aspect. We like to tell the inspiring stories of how they pull through and battle multiple obstacles only to become their parents' miracle baby. But the sad reality is that preemies, even those born just before term at 35 weeks, still face life long struggles. They often don't reach milestones on time, they have speech issues and need speech therapy, they have learning disabilities -- however small, and new literature also points to preemies being less successful in life as adults and being more prone to health ailments and diseases. The body does amazing things that allow preemies to survive and live very similarly to others, but mother nature dictates 40 weeks of gestation for a reason. So it seems totally plausible that there are long term effects of being a preemie. I feel like I want to adamantly protest this path for our baby and for us. But to whom do I protest?! God? My body? You can't help but feel helpless when you are at the mercy of your cruddy body that has a history of not doing things the right way.
Sorry, I wasn't planning on going into all of that, but I guess I needed to. So as Kevin and I were discussing my above feelings, he validated how I was feeling and seemed to completely see how I would feel this way. I think he sometimes feels the same. Kevin went on to say something that I didn't want to hear. Not because his statement was ugly or wasn't possibly true, actually my thoughts have often echoed his, but hearing someone else voice it made it more real, more true, and I wasn't ready to wrestle the possibility of it being true. It was too difficult.
Kevin said, " So do you ever think that you and I together just aren't meant to procreate?" I know he in no way meant to be hurtful by saying this, but given my current emotional state, I did not want to hear my husband utter these words to me. At all. It was as if I had just learned a really hard truth that I had been running from for a long time. In that split second many emotions flooded over me. I immediately thought, " oh my God, if someone else also thinks this, then there is a good chance it's true!" And this is a truth I am not ready to accept. And if it is true than this means we have just brought a life into this world that may be doomed because of our decision to pursue IVF. And if this is true than it's all our fault that our sweet baby is facing a premature birth and subsequent life long struggles. And if this is true, did we not hear God correctly through all of our prayers when deciding to proceed with infertility treatments? Oh my goodness, the implications were enormous.
I give this all to God everyday. I pray daily that being pregnant, our baby, fertility treatments, whatever it is, but all that is baby--is not an idol in my life, that it is not put first in my life. God should always be placed first and as my top priority. This will enable me to better navigate through the tough challenges we're up against. I HAVE to glorify God through this--for my sanity. It really will make the entire experience sweet. The bottom line: God ordained our pregnancy, as He allowed life to develop as a result of our IVF cycle. So this is His will; therefore, our baby and any future babies all rest in His hands. I feel it through my bones that God is literally writing my testimony this very second, and it's going to be amazing and utterly defining. So glad God loves me like He does!
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