I go from eating as much as the hubby, to having no appetite, to having a normal interest in food. I'm constipated for days, then I'm not. I stay insanely tired, then I feel great. I burp like a man some days and indulge in crazy cravings, while the next day I don't feel pregnant at all. I have nose bleeds when I blow my nose and I now have a runny and congested nose, which gets a lot worse at night. Most days I still can't even think of cooking any kind of meat and I go back and forth between dying to sit down and eat two different kinds of candy bars back to back to eating pickles straight from a jar. I randomly have to have a Slurpee ( which I haven't had in years), then a tostada, or a whole avocado. The nausea is severe one day, then I feel wonderful the next. And for all of this I still don't look pregnant. Not fair.
What I'm getting at here is that pregnancy is so variable and unpredictable--at least this pregnancy. Is this how it is? I guess I didn't think there would be so much variance from day-to-day. But how thankful I am! I am one blessed Momma. I would go through all we have been through 10 times over to be sitting where I am today, carrying a precious 10 week old baby that dances around like a jumping bean.
I ONLY HAVE TWO MORE WEEKS ON MY PROGESTERONE AND ESTROGEN SUPPLEMENTS! WHOO HOOO! I'm so sick of the nasty Crinone and Prometrium.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Celebrating my Sweet Hubby
This weekend was an awesome one. My husband graduated with a master's degree earlier this month and we had a family celebration dinner this past weekend to commemorate his accomplishment. It wasn't an overly large party, but just enough that we could all visit and catch-up, but without it being too chaotic.
We invited our siblings, parents, and grandparents to this celebration and really hoped all would have been able to join. However, sadly, not everyone made it out which left us with mixed feelings. Nonetheless, we are soo thankful for those that came out to support Kevin this weekend and thoroughly enjoyed seeing everyone. It was a great evening.
Kevin enjoyed great company, got some very cool gifts, including a new IPad2, indulged in an awesome celebratory dessert cake, and, of course, posed for lots of pictures. I think we were all pooped afterwards.
I am so so proud of my precious husband. It was quite a sacrifice for many for him to go back to school and complete this program, all the while as we were smack dab in the middle of our entire infertility journey. I am sooooo glad I get my hubby back on Monday nights and Saturday afternoons!
We also missed out on getting to see family regularly during this time, as our weekends were often shot due to Kevin being in class on Saturday's and him having to meet up for group projects on the weekends. I definitely won't miss this. Any left over time was spent going to church, doing yard work or all the must-do's of life.
I can't wait to get back to school for my master's degree, but this will have to wait as becoming parents is our number one priority at the moment.
On a side note that doesn't really belong with this particular entry---as we were checking out after my first OB appointment last week Kevin grabbed a business card from the counter. It was a photographer's business card who specializes in contemporary pregnancy and baby photos. The business card offers a split view of a black and white pregnant silhouette and a newborn picture. You can't see the women's face in the silhouette, basically all you see is her profile in all black. Kevin and I have long awaited the day that I can take sexy belly-exposed pregnancy photos, so he grabbed the card. He ended up putting the card on our fridge, eye level, right next to all of our sonogram pictures ( yes, we are now those people). A few days had passed with the business card being placed on the fridge.
Last night Kevin walks from the kitchen to where I was sitting and says, " I just have to say, this picture of this women on this business card is freakin' sexy!" Hearing him say this was awesome. I have long wondered if he would find my pregnant body sexy, repulsive, or somewhere in between. Of course, I want a husband who can't keep his hands off me because he is so into my pregnant shape.
You can't see any personal distinguishing features of the women in the picture, only her facial profile, her long hair, breasts, and about a 6 month pregnant belly. I find the picture hot too. I can't wait to look like that! I went on to ask what he thought was so hot about the picture. His response: " It's just so feminine and womanly! Of course, the big boobs are hot, too. And I love the shape of her belly, it's just really sexy."
I decided to add a pic of the pic in question:
Hearing Kevin say this did not bother me in the least. It actually made me super happy, as I will be that lady in the picture in a few months ( hopefully!).
We invited our siblings, parents, and grandparents to this celebration and really hoped all would have been able to join. However, sadly, not everyone made it out which left us with mixed feelings. Nonetheless, we are soo thankful for those that came out to support Kevin this weekend and thoroughly enjoyed seeing everyone. It was a great evening.
Kevin enjoyed great company, got some very cool gifts, including a new IPad2, indulged in an awesome celebratory dessert cake, and, of course, posed for lots of pictures. I think we were all pooped afterwards.
I am so so proud of my precious husband. It was quite a sacrifice for many for him to go back to school and complete this program, all the while as we were smack dab in the middle of our entire infertility journey. I am sooooo glad I get my hubby back on Monday nights and Saturday afternoons!
We also missed out on getting to see family regularly during this time, as our weekends were often shot due to Kevin being in class on Saturday's and him having to meet up for group projects on the weekends. I definitely won't miss this. Any left over time was spent going to church, doing yard work or all the must-do's of life.
I can't wait to get back to school for my master's degree, but this will have to wait as becoming parents is our number one priority at the moment.
On a side note that doesn't really belong with this particular entry---as we were checking out after my first OB appointment last week Kevin grabbed a business card from the counter. It was a photographer's business card who specializes in contemporary pregnancy and baby photos. The business card offers a split view of a black and white pregnant silhouette and a newborn picture. You can't see the women's face in the silhouette, basically all you see is her profile in all black. Kevin and I have long awaited the day that I can take sexy belly-exposed pregnancy photos, so he grabbed the card. He ended up putting the card on our fridge, eye level, right next to all of our sonogram pictures ( yes, we are now those people). A few days had passed with the business card being placed on the fridge.
Last night Kevin walks from the kitchen to where I was sitting and says, " I just have to say, this picture of this women on this business card is freakin' sexy!" Hearing him say this was awesome. I have long wondered if he would find my pregnant body sexy, repulsive, or somewhere in between. Of course, I want a husband who can't keep his hands off me because he is so into my pregnant shape.
You can't see any personal distinguishing features of the women in the picture, only her facial profile, her long hair, breasts, and about a 6 month pregnant belly. I find the picture hot too. I can't wait to look like that! I went on to ask what he thought was so hot about the picture. His response: " It's just so feminine and womanly! Of course, the big boobs are hot, too. And I love the shape of her belly, it's just really sexy."
I decided to add a pic of the pic in question:
Hearing Kevin say this did not bother me in the least. It actually made me super happy, as I will be that lady in the picture in a few months ( hopefully!).
Friday, August 26, 2011
Third Sonogram!
We had our third sono today, but with our OB. It was a very special and momentous occasion. We have now graduated to the place " normal" pregnant women gather. It feels good take a break from the RE's waiting room.
Our Bean's stats at 9 weeks and 1 day:
It's measuring 9 weeks exactly today at 2.51 cm, with a heart rate of 174. It's continuing to climb, this is good news.
The coolest part of today's sono was our baby was totally showing off! He/She was moving around like crazy--like, baby dancing in there! It was punching all of it's little limb nubs and rockin' it's head back and forth. It was amazing to watch. Kevin got a little teary-eyed as he gazed at the screen above our heads while he kissed my arm. He was way excited. I had no idea how much they move at such an early age. I wish I could feel all those movements, as it would certainly allow it to feel so much more real.
In light of having a prior cervical surgery that could cause me to have an incompetent cervix in pregnancy, I made sure this was checked today and discussed follow-up to make sure this doesn't result in an infamous second trimester loss. They like to see a cervix measure above 3.5 cm, mine measured 3.26 today, which is " slightly short" according to the doctor. I was told they follow very closely after they get a 3 cm or below reading and a 2.5 cm reading indicates a high risk of losing the pregnancy due to the cervix dilating. Of course, they can go in and place a cervical cerclage, a stitch in the cervix to help hold it together, but they first need to monitor cervical length to determine if that is needed. So I will go in every four weeks for a sonogram to make sure this does not become an issue. She also said that just because of this prior surgery, this does not at all guarantee that I will have problems.
Based on what the doc saw today, she gave us a 95% chance of going to term. She was not at all concerned about the sudden loss of sickness and nausea. She said it probably wont come back, so I should consider myself lucky. She said women lose their sickness at very different times, with weeks 6-9 being the really sickly weeks for many.
She also said there are no reliable wives tale to tell the gender of the baby. The only one she gave any merit to was that women with really severe morning sickness often have more girls. She also mentioned there as a new test called Inteligender that some of her patients have used, and with every one of those patients so far, the test has been accurate in determining their baby's gender.
However, we decided today that we will not find out the gender of our baby. We want to be surprised at delivery. All the decor we like is neutral anyway, so I think it will be a fun surprise! The sono tech told us that they can tell the gender by 16 weeks and sometimes at 12 weeks, so be sure to let every sono tech know before our sonograms that we don't want to know the sex so we are not inadvertently told.
We have also decided not to do any genetic testing or any screens to look for any crazy abnormalities other than the typical 20 weeks anatomy scan. We wouldn't terminate the pregnancy in light of finding out our baby had a severe abnormality and finding out horrible news about our baby would only mar my pregnancy experience. I'd rather stay in ignorant bliss. Given the personality type I have, this is the best choice for us.
I think we may tell the rest of our family that we are pregnant. We will certainly not tell the masses for much longer. You definitely won't see my positive pregnancy tests on my Facebook page anytime soon...or ever....not my style.
I give all the glory to God for allowing us to see our perfect Bean today, or as the doc said, " Our perfect gummy bear." The said news today from the doc: she doesn't think I'll start showing until at least 16 weeks. UHG! This is way depressing!
All in all, a great visit! I will go back in 4 weeks, so at 13 weeks for another sono and visit.
Our Bean's stats at 9 weeks and 1 day:
It's measuring 9 weeks exactly today at 2.51 cm, with a heart rate of 174. It's continuing to climb, this is good news.
The coolest part of today's sono was our baby was totally showing off! He/She was moving around like crazy--like, baby dancing in there! It was punching all of it's little limb nubs and rockin' it's head back and forth. It was amazing to watch. Kevin got a little teary-eyed as he gazed at the screen above our heads while he kissed my arm. He was way excited. I had no idea how much they move at such an early age. I wish I could feel all those movements, as it would certainly allow it to feel so much more real.
The head is on the left. You can see the arms in the air right below the head.
In light of having a prior cervical surgery that could cause me to have an incompetent cervix in pregnancy, I made sure this was checked today and discussed follow-up to make sure this doesn't result in an infamous second trimester loss. They like to see a cervix measure above 3.5 cm, mine measured 3.26 today, which is " slightly short" according to the doctor. I was told they follow very closely after they get a 3 cm or below reading and a 2.5 cm reading indicates a high risk of losing the pregnancy due to the cervix dilating. Of course, they can go in and place a cervical cerclage, a stitch in the cervix to help hold it together, but they first need to monitor cervical length to determine if that is needed. So I will go in every four weeks for a sonogram to make sure this does not become an issue. She also said that just because of this prior surgery, this does not at all guarantee that I will have problems.
Based on what the doc saw today, she gave us a 95% chance of going to term. She was not at all concerned about the sudden loss of sickness and nausea. She said it probably wont come back, so I should consider myself lucky. She said women lose their sickness at very different times, with weeks 6-9 being the really sickly weeks for many.
She also said there are no reliable wives tale to tell the gender of the baby. The only one she gave any merit to was that women with really severe morning sickness often have more girls. She also mentioned there as a new test called Inteligender that some of her patients have used, and with every one of those patients so far, the test has been accurate in determining their baby's gender.
However, we decided today that we will not find out the gender of our baby. We want to be surprised at delivery. All the decor we like is neutral anyway, so I think it will be a fun surprise! The sono tech told us that they can tell the gender by 16 weeks and sometimes at 12 weeks, so be sure to let every sono tech know before our sonograms that we don't want to know the sex so we are not inadvertently told.
We have also decided not to do any genetic testing or any screens to look for any crazy abnormalities other than the typical 20 weeks anatomy scan. We wouldn't terminate the pregnancy in light of finding out our baby had a severe abnormality and finding out horrible news about our baby would only mar my pregnancy experience. I'd rather stay in ignorant bliss. Given the personality type I have, this is the best choice for us.
I think we may tell the rest of our family that we are pregnant. We will certainly not tell the masses for much longer. You definitely won't see my positive pregnancy tests on my Facebook page anytime soon...or ever....not my style.
I give all the glory to God for allowing us to see our perfect Bean today, or as the doc said, " Our perfect gummy bear." The said news today from the doc: she doesn't think I'll start showing until at least 16 weeks. UHG! This is way depressing!
All in all, a great visit! I will go back in 4 weeks, so at 13 weeks for another sono and visit.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Vegetarian?
At one point in my life I was a very strict vegan, but due to not being able to get all the essential nutrients that I required, I became very ill and ultimately ended up switching back to being a carnivore. Well, I think I may have been on the right track back in the day.
Cooking meats is an arduous task for me these days. I have had some very disheartening experiences of late when attempting to prepare dinner. Particularly cooking chicken and beef....eewwww! I was making a chicken stir-fry last week and I became so nauseated while cooking the meat I wasn't even able to eat it during dinner with the hubs. I instead ate a few bites of the steamed broccoli and rice I had also cooked. For some reason looking at the chicken as it cooked and breathing in the " cooking chicken smell' was just too much. I had to sit down multiple times throughout preparing dinner to stave off vomiting.
I had a similar experience this week when I was making hamburgers. I don't know if it's the fact that I was looking at raw meat, having to touch it, or just the smell of raw meat cooking, but apparently beef, too, is too much for me these days. Again, I made two hamburgers, one for each of us, and I took one bite of my burger in an attempt to not be wasteful, but I could barely swallow it. The remainder was thrown out.
On the flip side, my daily nausea that doesn't involve cooking has seemed much better the last week. I was also having a real problem with not being able to eat more than 2 or 3 bites of food without feeling like I just ate three plates of lasagna. ( Apparently, this is due to high levels of progesterone slowing down the entire GI system) But recently I seem to be able to eat regular amounts of food. Yea! I hope I'm not "losing" any pregnancy symptoms but instead just moving through my pregnancy normally.
So far I haven't had any vomiting or any other truly obvious pregnancy symptoms other than those I've already mentioned. We have also been able to resume normal sexual activity with no issues. ( Thank God! Remind me to never go that long without sex ever again!) I am praying that my aversion to cooking meats will subside soon, as it's severely inferring with my dinner eating ability. :)
Cooking meats is an arduous task for me these days. I have had some very disheartening experiences of late when attempting to prepare dinner. Particularly cooking chicken and beef....eewwww! I was making a chicken stir-fry last week and I became so nauseated while cooking the meat I wasn't even able to eat it during dinner with the hubs. I instead ate a few bites of the steamed broccoli and rice I had also cooked. For some reason looking at the chicken as it cooked and breathing in the " cooking chicken smell' was just too much. I had to sit down multiple times throughout preparing dinner to stave off vomiting.
I had a similar experience this week when I was making hamburgers. I don't know if it's the fact that I was looking at raw meat, having to touch it, or just the smell of raw meat cooking, but apparently beef, too, is too much for me these days. Again, I made two hamburgers, one for each of us, and I took one bite of my burger in an attempt to not be wasteful, but I could barely swallow it. The remainder was thrown out.
On the flip side, my daily nausea that doesn't involve cooking has seemed much better the last week. I was also having a real problem with not being able to eat more than 2 or 3 bites of food without feeling like I just ate three plates of lasagna. ( Apparently, this is due to high levels of progesterone slowing down the entire GI system) But recently I seem to be able to eat regular amounts of food. Yea! I hope I'm not "losing" any pregnancy symptoms but instead just moving through my pregnancy normally.
So far I haven't had any vomiting or any other truly obvious pregnancy symptoms other than those I've already mentioned. We have also been able to resume normal sexual activity with no issues. ( Thank God! Remind me to never go that long without sex ever again!) I am praying that my aversion to cooking meats will subside soon, as it's severely inferring with my dinner eating ability. :)
Monday, August 22, 2011
Is it Still in There?
I don't quite understand how women can just "be pregnant" so casually. How in the world do they seemingly go about their lives with innocent bliss just assuming their baby is still in their womb growing away?? This sounds rather assuming and presumptuous to me. I reiterate, again, I've been jaded by infertility and knowing far too much. It has severely hurt any pregnancy innocence that I should be indulging in alongside other pregnant women.
I haven't had a sonogram in two weeks and I still don't "feel" pregnant, so I'm kinda freaking out. It is still alive in there? Is it growing at all? Why don't I feel pregnant? Is this a bad sign? Holy cow, I have to wait another week and a half for my 10 week sonogram! BUT, I know that if I make it to ten weeks and then twelve weeks my chances of going full term is really great. I knew I shouldn't have asked my doctor about being on progesterone and miscarrying. Knowing that even if the baby has stopped growing that I wouldn't immediately start bleeding scares me. This means, essentially, that something could be wrong and I may not know about it for a few weeks.
I know, I know, I should just enjoy being pregnant, right. " Enjoy every single moment of being pregnant like it's your last...blah ..blah....blah.." Here's my reality: that's crap. For a lot of women who have struggled with infertility and have finally gotten pregnant, including myself, you just simply move from worrying about one set of concerns to a new set of concerns. It's like you have so little trust in your body that you are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. For me, however, living in this type of worry and fear is very concerning, as I am a daughter of the most high God. This means that my faith is not defined by my RE's ability or my body's abilities to carry a child, but in God's ability and his promises to me.
God's plan for all of us, including me, are the very best for our lives and have our very, very best interest at the center. His plans are truly divine. God is completely in the details of our lives, but we often assume that His plans for our lives are typically accomplished through individual events. However, God views our lives with a big picture perspective. He sees things that we can't see or may not know; therefore, the things that we experience through God are only a very small part of the big picture. For me, I often forget that the current day is not the "big picture".
I say all of this to myself, really. Regardless if I feel pregnant or not, if the baby is growing in there or not, it's not my plan that matters, it's God's plan, and I have to relish in the fact that there really is true beauty in even our darkest moments when God is our center. He WILL pull us through, he WILL eventually place you on top of the mountain, and he WILL not leave you wandering in the wilderness for a second longer than you need to be.
With all this said, my sweet God in all of his omnipotence loves me more than I know and has the very best in store for me. That is a love and trust that will see me through anything. So whether the baby is still there or not, I will always have God to usher me through.
I haven't had a sonogram in two weeks and I still don't "feel" pregnant, so I'm kinda freaking out. It is still alive in there? Is it growing at all? Why don't I feel pregnant? Is this a bad sign? Holy cow, I have to wait another week and a half for my 10 week sonogram! BUT, I know that if I make it to ten weeks and then twelve weeks my chances of going full term is really great. I knew I shouldn't have asked my doctor about being on progesterone and miscarrying. Knowing that even if the baby has stopped growing that I wouldn't immediately start bleeding scares me. This means, essentially, that something could be wrong and I may not know about it for a few weeks.
I know, I know, I should just enjoy being pregnant, right. " Enjoy every single moment of being pregnant like it's your last...blah ..blah....blah.." Here's my reality: that's crap. For a lot of women who have struggled with infertility and have finally gotten pregnant, including myself, you just simply move from worrying about one set of concerns to a new set of concerns. It's like you have so little trust in your body that you are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. For me, however, living in this type of worry and fear is very concerning, as I am a daughter of the most high God. This means that my faith is not defined by my RE's ability or my body's abilities to carry a child, but in God's ability and his promises to me.
God's plan for all of us, including me, are the very best for our lives and have our very, very best interest at the center. His plans are truly divine. God is completely in the details of our lives, but we often assume that His plans for our lives are typically accomplished through individual events. However, God views our lives with a big picture perspective. He sees things that we can't see or may not know; therefore, the things that we experience through God are only a very small part of the big picture. For me, I often forget that the current day is not the "big picture".
I say all of this to myself, really. Regardless if I feel pregnant or not, if the baby is growing in there or not, it's not my plan that matters, it's God's plan, and I have to relish in the fact that there really is true beauty in even our darkest moments when God is our center. He WILL pull us through, he WILL eventually place you on top of the mountain, and he WILL not leave you wandering in the wilderness for a second longer than you need to be.
With all this said, my sweet God in all of his omnipotence loves me more than I know and has the very best in store for me. That is a love and trust that will see me through anything. So whether the baby is still there or not, I will always have God to usher me through.
Out of Town Celebrating Layla's 2nd Birthday
This weekend was a great weekend. Despite having to drive 8 hours in 24 hours, which was totally worth it, I got to have my Layla and Sophie fix. I drove to Houston to my brother's home to celebrate my niece's second birthday. He has two sweet, preeeecious little girls, Sophie and Layla, whom I love, love, love!
Since it's an understatement that things are not well between myself and my Dad and Brother, I chose to stay in a hotel while in Houston. This action was part of instituting some of my new healthy boundaries, as well as limiting any drama. It worked out okay. My brother told me I could stay with him, and my Dad asked why I didn't stay at "home" ( his house), but I tried to stay as cavalier as possible about their inquiries and stuck to my guns on staying in a hotel. Mission accomplished: it turned out to be a drama-free weekend. whooo hooo!
Layla, my brother's daughter, has just turned two. It was quite the celebration and I am soo glad I made the drive because I always miss my nieces terribly. We were given less than a week's notice for the party, so Kevin and I were unable to find anyone willing to take care of our dogs for the weekend, so Kevin, unfortunately, had to stay behind. I REALLY wished he was there with me for many reasons. One of them being that he would have had a great time at the party! There was tons of stimulation and lots of fun kid stuff to do, which is right up my hubby's alley. :)
But despite Kevin not being able to join it was a nice trip. It actually felt great to stay in a hotel alone, with pure silence and no demands or stimulation. I actually think I could have stayed another day by myself just for the heck of it. Conversely, the drive is soo boring. I have made the trip to and from Houston a bazillion times, and it never gets any easier. I45 is a desolate, ugly stretch. So I listened to one of my fav CD's back-to-back, over and over. That's okay, it was well worth seeing my sweet Layla and Sophie. Layla had a great party that I think she completely enjoyed. She got tons of crazy cool gifts, a great cake, slip 'n sliding, good food all while surrounded by lots of friends and family. At some point she was actually found passed out in her bed while the party was still happening. I guess she was pooped and just put herself to bed.
Layla looking her FAV gift from Me and Uncle Kevin
Big sister Sophie
Sayin' "CHEESE" while on her new four wheeler and holding her Jessie Doll and horse
My brother, Bubba, and Lisa ( Layla's Mom and Dad)
Nothing better than birthday cake while in your bathing suit!
It was well worth the drive to be able to see her sweet face. I can't believe she is already two!! It seems like just yesterday we were sleeping in the hospital waiting room in anticipation of seeing her sweet face for very the first time.
Since it's an understatement that things are not well between myself and my Dad and Brother, I chose to stay in a hotel while in Houston. This action was part of instituting some of my new healthy boundaries, as well as limiting any drama. It worked out okay. My brother told me I could stay with him, and my Dad asked why I didn't stay at "home" ( his house), but I tried to stay as cavalier as possible about their inquiries and stuck to my guns on staying in a hotel. Mission accomplished: it turned out to be a drama-free weekend. whooo hooo!
Layla, my brother's daughter, has just turned two. It was quite the celebration and I am soo glad I made the drive because I always miss my nieces terribly. We were given less than a week's notice for the party, so Kevin and I were unable to find anyone willing to take care of our dogs for the weekend, so Kevin, unfortunately, had to stay behind. I REALLY wished he was there with me for many reasons. One of them being that he would have had a great time at the party! There was tons of stimulation and lots of fun kid stuff to do, which is right up my hubby's alley. :)
But despite Kevin not being able to join it was a nice trip. It actually felt great to stay in a hotel alone, with pure silence and no demands or stimulation. I actually think I could have stayed another day by myself just for the heck of it. Conversely, the drive is soo boring. I have made the trip to and from Houston a bazillion times, and it never gets any easier. I45 is a desolate, ugly stretch. So I listened to one of my fav CD's back-to-back, over and over. That's okay, it was well worth seeing my sweet Layla and Sophie. Layla had a great party that I think she completely enjoyed. She got tons of crazy cool gifts, a great cake, slip 'n sliding, good food all while surrounded by lots of friends and family. At some point she was actually found passed out in her bed while the party was still happening. I guess she was pooped and just put herself to bed.
Layla looking her FAV gift from Me and Uncle Kevin
Big sister Sophie
Sayin' "CHEESE" while on her new four wheeler and holding her Jessie Doll and horse
My brother, Bubba, and Lisa ( Layla's Mom and Dad)
Nothing better than birthday cake while in your bathing suit!
It was well worth the drive to be able to see her sweet face. I can't believe she is already two!! It seems like just yesterday we were sleeping in the hospital waiting room in anticipation of seeing her sweet face for very the first time.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Revelations
So two things were revealed to me today.
1. I need to do a better job of actively lifting my husband up publicly
I believe this to be so so important. I have always known this, as for husbands, there is nothing like having their ego stroked by their wife ( whom they want to impress) in front of others. This is like a double-whammy on the ego building of a man when it is done in front of others. I KNOW how important it is for a wife to do this for her husband, but I don't think I do a great job at this, and I want to do better. The bottom line, Kevin is my husband and I need to do things to honor him and that fill his cup up.
and
2. I need to stop sharing so much personal stuff with my husband.
Kevin and I share A LOT with one another, and I mean A LOT. I have friends who think it's insane how much Kevin and I share with one another. It wasn't like we sat down and decided that we were going to be one of "those" couples who freely discussed everything personal in nature. It just evolved. I do kind of fault myself, as I'm really open with this type of stuff, and just started divulging from an early point in our relationship and Kevin never objected. He went with it. So from there is just became our standard.
Secondly, I think in the last year and a half that we have been working with fertility doctors Kevin has gained a lot more exposure. The doctors we worked with took every opportunity to engage the husbands. Kevin was given the privilege of seeing me in compromised positions many, many times at the invitation of my doctor. He has seen things most men would only see in their nightmares. My poor hubby. But his facial expressions as he was viewing these lovely things was always PRICELESS! But he never complained afterwards or seemed grossed out. He always just went with it.
Regardless of how we got to this point in our relationship I think I need to watch what I expose him to, show him, or say to him because my husband doesn't have a filter. This means, that to my husband, he has just learned regular ol' new information, not exceptionally gross or inappropriate information. Then you have to add into the equation that my hubby doesn't have a filter in his brain. This means that he forms a thought and says it without much forethought a good portion of the time. So on many occasions the end result of all of these factors has been while out hanging out with a group, my husband's idea of making small talk is telling people about my ovulation schedule. He doesn't at all clue in that people are thinking, " Holy Cow! What is wrong with this guy!" And, of course, I do. This makes me feel bad for him! I don't want him to unknowingly embarrass himself on my account.
I find this very endearing on one level, but on another, I feel I have slighted my husband and have harmed him by sharing so much info with him. I mean, don't get me wrong, he shares equally with me, but I have a filter, well, kinda, and know that my friends husbands don't want to know about my hubby's miraculous poop that day.
So in effort to limit the number of times my husband and I are looked at as freaks in public as we share waaay too much about our fertility journey with others, I think I will give it a valiant effort not to share so much with the hubby and set a new trend. Before we the leave the house to go visit with anyone, I have started saying to Kev, " Okay, so we're not bringing up anything about getting pregnant, being pregnant, or staying pregnant."
In my defense, the hubs is my very best friend. I want to share everything with him. And I think he likes being very included. I think it makes us both feel some weird, warped sense of togetherness. I don't know, maybe more counseling is needed. Every now and then he will draw the line on looking at something or doing something , which I respect, but that is very rarely. Nonetheless, I don't want to strip him of any of his manly-ness by engulfing him too much into the world of "me" or "women", so I'll try to lay off sharing quite as much with the hubs. Sigh....
Monday, August 15, 2011
Second Sonogram!
So at 7 weeks and 4 days I had a follow-up sonogram just to make sure I wasn't having anymore stabbing pain. Our bean, according to the textbooks, should have about doubled in milimeters from 7.5 to about 14 or so and its heart rate should have increased from the 120's to the 150's or so. The heart rate always start low and pick up speed for a few weeks, then level back off.
So...how did our bean fair: Our bean is now between 12.5 and 14.5 mm ( depending on which ultra sound pic you look at, which the doc said was absolutely perfect and right on track) and its heart rate is now 156.Yea! Everything looks great. Our baby has grown so much in one week. He/she looked soo much bigger on the screen today. I was amazed. On the sonogram we could actually make out its little tadpole tale and its tiny arms and legs. It was the coolest thing to see and to know this little thing is growing and sustaining life because your own body is providing for it. It truly is the miracle of life, for sure.
Second Sonogram: 7 weeks and 4 days
August 15, 2011
On a different note, since today was hopefully my last appointment with my RE for a long while ( until we are ready to use our frosties), I asked a few more questions.
So here is what I learned:
It is safe to use Salicylic Acid topical treatments for acne while pregnant.
I will stay on my baby aspirin until the end of the first trimester.
I will discontinue my prometrium, Crinone, and Estrogen ( Vivelle) at 11 weeks of pregnancy once the placenta takes over the production of these hormones. I asked what happens if my placenta doesn't take over until week 12. He laughed and said it will probably take over making these hormones at week 10, and they are just being cautious keeping me on them until week 11.
My Vivelle patches do not want to stay attached to my body, so I asked if it was a big concern that I may not be getting the proper amount of estrogen. He said there are no worries as the estrogen is the least important thing I am taking, with the progesterone, of course, being the most important.
I asked about Frozen Embryo Transfers (FET) today to prepare for next time, as we plan to go pretty much back-to-back on the baby front. He said about 90% of the embryos survive the thaw, and you lose about 10% in your success rate when you do an FET cycle. The entire cycle lasts one month, with about 4 visits to see the RE in that time. There are NO INJECTIONS, only oral and vaginal meds. I can certainly handle that! The price will be approximately $3,000 for each cycle. Whoo Hoo! ( Not) Still working through a little bitterness about those who can get pregnant after only the cost of a 6 pack of wine coolers. Not Fair!
I also asked whether or not being on progesterone would delay or keep me from miscarrying ( bleeding) should there be something wrong with the baby or the baby stops developing. He said that me being on meds would delay the onset of any bleeding, therefore, it could take weeks before my body figured out how to bypass the meds and abort the pregnany. I only asked this question so I know how much hope to have if no bleeding occurs.
AND.....( do you hear the angels singing??)...we can resume sex! But we were told that any bleeding that occurs afterwards could mean something is wrong and to call the doc.
All-in-all today was a great day. We ended the evening with a great dinner downtown with four sweet couple friends. I have got to get this over- eating under control! I am a freak with the food!
So...how did our bean fair: Our bean is now between 12.5 and 14.5 mm ( depending on which ultra sound pic you look at, which the doc said was absolutely perfect and right on track) and its heart rate is now 156.Yea! Everything looks great. Our baby has grown so much in one week. He/she looked soo much bigger on the screen today. I was amazed. On the sonogram we could actually make out its little tadpole tale and its tiny arms and legs. It was the coolest thing to see and to know this little thing is growing and sustaining life because your own body is providing for it. It truly is the miracle of life, for sure.
Second Sonogram: 7 weeks and 4 days
August 15, 2011
On a different note, since today was hopefully my last appointment with my RE for a long while ( until we are ready to use our frosties), I asked a few more questions.
So here is what I learned:
It is safe to use Salicylic Acid topical treatments for acne while pregnant.
I will stay on my baby aspirin until the end of the first trimester.
I will discontinue my prometrium, Crinone, and Estrogen ( Vivelle) at 11 weeks of pregnancy once the placenta takes over the production of these hormones. I asked what happens if my placenta doesn't take over until week 12. He laughed and said it will probably take over making these hormones at week 10, and they are just being cautious keeping me on them until week 11.
My Vivelle patches do not want to stay attached to my body, so I asked if it was a big concern that I may not be getting the proper amount of estrogen. He said there are no worries as the estrogen is the least important thing I am taking, with the progesterone, of course, being the most important.
I asked about Frozen Embryo Transfers (FET) today to prepare for next time, as we plan to go pretty much back-to-back on the baby front. He said about 90% of the embryos survive the thaw, and you lose about 10% in your success rate when you do an FET cycle. The entire cycle lasts one month, with about 4 visits to see the RE in that time. There are NO INJECTIONS, only oral and vaginal meds. I can certainly handle that! The price will be approximately $3,000 for each cycle. Whoo Hoo! ( Not) Still working through a little bitterness about those who can get pregnant after only the cost of a 6 pack of wine coolers. Not Fair!
I also asked whether or not being on progesterone would delay or keep me from miscarrying ( bleeding) should there be something wrong with the baby or the baby stops developing. He said that me being on meds would delay the onset of any bleeding, therefore, it could take weeks before my body figured out how to bypass the meds and abort the pregnany. I only asked this question so I know how much hope to have if no bleeding occurs.
AND.....( do you hear the angels singing??)...we can resume sex! But we were told that any bleeding that occurs afterwards could mean something is wrong and to call the doc.
All-in-all today was a great day. We ended the evening with a great dinner downtown with four sweet couple friends. I have got to get this over- eating under control! I am a freak with the food!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Taking Tired to a Whole New Level
For the past week couple of weeks I have been insanely tired by 7 o'clock. Like ready to pass out, skip to go, and lay my head down where ever I am and catch some ZZ's. I wasn't quite sure what it was at first, I was thinking just some weird fluke or me just being tired from being so anxious over all the IFV stuff.
As each evening came and went and my same level of tiredness returned, I began to think this may be a pregnancy thing. I'm still not 100% sure, but it would make sense, right. I mean, your body is growing and building things like a heart, spinal cord, and limbs. This sounds like a pretty big job to me. I get tired thinking about building things so intricate, and apparently it makes me even more tired that my body is actually building those things. So it makes sense that despite getting adequate sleep everynight, 8 hours just isn't enough to keep up with the demands of a growing fetus.
I try to do my best to stay awake. Usually when the intense tiredness hits I am still needing to do a 100 things before I can call it a night. Some nights I'll push through and make dinner, clean the kitchen, take care of the dogs, and make the Hubby's lunch. Other days, you will find me sprawled out on the couch telling the hubs I can't even lift my arm and he has to cook or he has to make his own lunch, which he'll do.
If this is a pregnancy thing, I guess I should be celebrating, right?! Afterall, I have been praying to God, literally, to feel pregnancy symptoms for a year and a half.
In four days we will have a second sonogram to make sure baby Wicker's heart is still beating and to calculate his or her growth over the last week. Yea! Very excited. As of today I'm feeling lots of "movement" in my uterus. There is a lot of pinching, twinges, and sharp movements, but nothing lasting more than a second or anything remotely painful. So I think this means Baby Wicker is alive and well today. Hopefully being a growing machine! It seems as though most mornings, within the first 15 minutes of being up, I will feel "movement" in my uterus, and a lot of the time I may not feel them again until the next morning. So when I feel these in the morning I always say, " Good Morning, Bean!" Maybe it's his or her way of starting off the day to let me know they are still in there plugging away. :) I know, I'm cheesy.
On a side note, my husband tells me goodbye this morning with a kiss as I layed passed out in the bed and by saying, " Have a good day. Grow our little bean. I love you."
My response, " I'm doing it right now."
As each evening came and went and my same level of tiredness returned, I began to think this may be a pregnancy thing. I'm still not 100% sure, but it would make sense, right. I mean, your body is growing and building things like a heart, spinal cord, and limbs. This sounds like a pretty big job to me. I get tired thinking about building things so intricate, and apparently it makes me even more tired that my body is actually building those things. So it makes sense that despite getting adequate sleep everynight, 8 hours just isn't enough to keep up with the demands of a growing fetus.
I try to do my best to stay awake. Usually when the intense tiredness hits I am still needing to do a 100 things before I can call it a night. Some nights I'll push through and make dinner, clean the kitchen, take care of the dogs, and make the Hubby's lunch. Other days, you will find me sprawled out on the couch telling the hubs I can't even lift my arm and he has to cook or he has to make his own lunch, which he'll do.
If this is a pregnancy thing, I guess I should be celebrating, right?! Afterall, I have been praying to God, literally, to feel pregnancy symptoms for a year and a half.
In four days we will have a second sonogram to make sure baby Wicker's heart is still beating and to calculate his or her growth over the last week. Yea! Very excited. As of today I'm feeling lots of "movement" in my uterus. There is a lot of pinching, twinges, and sharp movements, but nothing lasting more than a second or anything remotely painful. So I think this means Baby Wicker is alive and well today. Hopefully being a growing machine! It seems as though most mornings, within the first 15 minutes of being up, I will feel "movement" in my uterus, and a lot of the time I may not feel them again until the next morning. So when I feel these in the morning I always say, " Good Morning, Bean!" Maybe it's his or her way of starting off the day to let me know they are still in there plugging away. :) I know, I'm cheesy.
On a side note, my husband tells me goodbye this morning with a kiss as I layed passed out in the bed and by saying, " Have a good day. Grow our little bean. I love you."
My response, " I'm doing it right now."
Monday, August 8, 2011
I believe the nausea is here to stay
For the last 10 days or so I have been having nausea. Nothing that causes me to actually throw up, but just enough to make me feel really ill, have sweats, and not want to do anything other than lay on the couch with cold air blowing on my face. So far it comes and goes throughout the day, with no real pattern. It doesn't last for a very long time, but I'm very aware of it when it comes. I have also noticed that when I'm hungry a huge wave of nausea hits me, and usually, after a few bites of something, I feel much better. Weird, I know. I doesn't keep me from eating, actually quite the opposite, I'm eating like a freak! I was seriously told by a friend today that " she can see a little baby belly." What??!! I'm 6.5 weeks!! Okay, we all know this is code for, " Kristen, you're looking like you've gained a few." If she did not know I was pregnant this comment would have never been said. Why is it that she thought she could get away with this comment and covertly pass it off as a "pregnancy comment". Please.
A few other things I've noticed is that I do have very strong isolated cravings for certain things. I don't want to fall into the whole pregnancy craving cliche thing, as I don't know if it's really pregnancy related or just in my head. But I'm not talking about pickles and icecream here, I'm talking about more normal things, like ," I need movie theatre popcorn now." Or how the thought of Jack in a Box's jalepeno poppers literally makes me salivate just thinking about them, which then makes me drive waaay out of the way to get them. And when I eat, boy do I eat. It's bad. I need to start controlling this early.
I have also noticed that I'm sooo tired by 7 or 8pm. Like I could pass out without washing my face or brushing my teeth and sleep for the next 24 hours. And for anyone who knows me well, not taking off my makeup or brushing my teeth every night...and flossing....is unthinkable!
This is about it so far. I have no idea if these things are in my head or are real. But, placebo affect or not, this is what I'm feeling on a day-to-day.
A few other things I've noticed is that I do have very strong isolated cravings for certain things. I don't want to fall into the whole pregnancy craving cliche thing, as I don't know if it's really pregnancy related or just in my head. But I'm not talking about pickles and icecream here, I'm talking about more normal things, like ," I need movie theatre popcorn now." Or how the thought of Jack in a Box's jalepeno poppers literally makes me salivate just thinking about them, which then makes me drive waaay out of the way to get them. And when I eat, boy do I eat. It's bad. I need to start controlling this early.
I have also noticed that I'm sooo tired by 7 or 8pm. Like I could pass out without washing my face or brushing my teeth and sleep for the next 24 hours. And for anyone who knows me well, not taking off my makeup or brushing my teeth every night...and flossing....is unthinkable!
This is about it so far. I have no idea if these things are in my head or are real. But, placebo affect or not, this is what I'm feeling on a day-to-day.
First Sono Moved to Today!
So I will have my first early OB sono today instead of three days from now thanks to the sharp pains I'm having on my left side kinda near my left hip bone. I called my IVF coordinator first thing this morning and left a detailed message for her. When she called me back about two hours later the first words out of her mouth were, " You need to come in today. The doctor wants to see you." So I'm excited to see what they will find in my uterus, but I'm worried about what they may find in my fallopian tube. I'm 6 weeks and 3 days today. Lets hope our little bean's heart is already beating! I'm so nervous! But excited at the same time! Almost like I could throw up! My appointment is at 3:00pm today. The Hubs will be joining...and against my request will be video recording me during the sonogram. You don't want to be video recorded when you could get good OR bad news. It's too nerve wracking!
Let me set the stage...
I literally thought I might throw up from anxiety and anticipation while I was sitting in my RE's waiting room waiting to be called back. One minute seemed like forever. I kept saying to my husband, " O.M.G. on the wait...how long can it take??!!" He had to of said at least five times, " Babe, it's been like two minutes, take some deep breathes." The anticipation was killing me. I wanted to know if they could see anything in my left fallopian tube and, more importantly, what was in my uterus!! Literally, my heart was racing with anticipation.
Fortunately we were in and out of there in like 30 minutes. I was almost afraid to look at the sono screen once the process began. I boycotted my husband from video recording this visit. He was very disappointed. But I was so anxious in the moment, I felt having the video camera on me would have been too overwhelming should we have gotten less than ideal news.
Drum Roll.....
As soon as I was violated by the probe, there it was, our baby, dead center. It looked like a blobby white jelly bean but it sure was beautiful. The doctor then said, " Do you see that, that little flicker?" So we both concentrated at the screen and there it was, our baby's heartbeat. He turned on the sound so we could hear our babies beautiful heart beating at 125 bpm. Our bean measured about 7.6 mm today. It was an amazing moment. So incredibly surreal.
Another good note, nothing was seen in my left ovary or fallopian tube, all looked normal. He said that it would have been a very long journey given where our current baby is implanted ( multiple embryos usually stay close together and implant very near one another) for the second embryo to have made it up to the fallopian tube. Lets hope he is right! Thank God for the good news today!
However, I was slightly bummed that I didn't do or say all of the things I had planned to do or say after seeing our baby on screen for the first time. I had envisioned so much happening in that exam room while seeing our baby on screen! It was like I was kind of numb, kind of not really all there. It was the wildest moment. Of course, we both were all smiles and insanely happy, but there was no tears. ...yea, I said it, NO TEARS! Can you believe it!
After discussing it later in the car, my husband and I realized that unlike those who haven't had a journey down infertility lane, we have become desensitized to all things pregnancy or baby related in some regard. It's like we've talked about every single aspect of everything having anything to do with getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or baby, that it's not new anymore. I know it sounds really odd that we didn't throw a crying party in the exam room today, but in some weird way, it kinda felt like nothing new...EVEN THOUGH IT WAS SOMETHING NEW! That was a shocking discovery today. It's like we have lost our "getting pregnant" innocence. It was disappointing. So sad this journey has changed us in this way.
So, no, it's not twins, which we both secretely hoped for, but that's okay. God knows best. Who knows why we didn't have twins this time around but it was obviously for a greater divine purpose. So we are over the moon with our seemingly perfect little bean growing away!
I will go back in one week for a follow-up sono to make sure I am not having any more pain, which the doctor seems to think is nothing more than increased blood flow into the uterus, and to mark the growth progress of the baby. After that, we will be released to our REGULAR O.B. ...like a normal pregnant woman! Seems odd seeing as nothing about our journey to get here has been "normal". :)
Let me set the stage...
I literally thought I might throw up from anxiety and anticipation while I was sitting in my RE's waiting room waiting to be called back. One minute seemed like forever. I kept saying to my husband, " O.M.G. on the wait...how long can it take??!!" He had to of said at least five times, " Babe, it's been like two minutes, take some deep breathes." The anticipation was killing me. I wanted to know if they could see anything in my left fallopian tube and, more importantly, what was in my uterus!! Literally, my heart was racing with anticipation.
Fortunately we were in and out of there in like 30 minutes. I was almost afraid to look at the sono screen once the process began. I boycotted my husband from video recording this visit. He was very disappointed. But I was so anxious in the moment, I felt having the video camera on me would have been too overwhelming should we have gotten less than ideal news.
Drum Roll.....
As soon as I was violated by the probe, there it was, our baby, dead center. It looked like a blobby white jelly bean but it sure was beautiful. The doctor then said, " Do you see that, that little flicker?" So we both concentrated at the screen and there it was, our baby's heartbeat. He turned on the sound so we could hear our babies beautiful heart beating at 125 bpm. Our bean measured about 7.6 mm today. It was an amazing moment. So incredibly surreal.
Another good note, nothing was seen in my left ovary or fallopian tube, all looked normal. He said that it would have been a very long journey given where our current baby is implanted ( multiple embryos usually stay close together and implant very near one another) for the second embryo to have made it up to the fallopian tube. Lets hope he is right! Thank God for the good news today!
See the black circle, and then the white blob in the center of the black circle, well the white blob is our baby inside of the amniotic sac ( black circle).
Per the RE's dates, 6w4d, 125 BPM, 7.6mm, Due Date: 3/30/12
Per the RE's dates, 6w4d, 125 BPM, 7.6mm, Due Date: 3/30/12
After discussing it later in the car, my husband and I realized that unlike those who haven't had a journey down infertility lane, we have become desensitized to all things pregnancy or baby related in some regard. It's like we've talked about every single aspect of everything having anything to do with getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or baby, that it's not new anymore. I know it sounds really odd that we didn't throw a crying party in the exam room today, but in some weird way, it kinda felt like nothing new...EVEN THOUGH IT WAS SOMETHING NEW! That was a shocking discovery today. It's like we have lost our "getting pregnant" innocence. It was disappointing. So sad this journey has changed us in this way.
So, no, it's not twins, which we both secretely hoped for, but that's okay. God knows best. Who knows why we didn't have twins this time around but it was obviously for a greater divine purpose. So we are over the moon with our seemingly perfect little bean growing away!
I will go back in one week for a follow-up sono to make sure I am not having any more pain, which the doctor seems to think is nothing more than increased blood flow into the uterus, and to mark the growth progress of the baby. After that, we will be released to our REGULAR O.B. ...like a normal pregnant woman! Seems odd seeing as nothing about our journey to get here has been "normal". :)
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Sharp Pains?
So today, at 6 w and 1 day pregnant, I began having sharp, stabbing, albeit sporadic, pains in my left fallopian tube area. I can say for sure it is in the area of my fallopian tube because: 1. I have had an ectopic pregnancy in my right fallopian tube before and 2. It is exactly beneath my incisions from my both of lap. procedures, one of which was when my right fallopian tube was removed.
Given my history with the damage to my fallopian tubes, I was well aware going into IVF there was a greater risk for me to have another ectopic or heterotopic pregnancy. For those that many not know, a heterotopic pregnancy is when there is a normal pregnancy in the uterus and there is also a second pregnancy outside of the uterus, 85% of which are in one of the fallopian tubes, Well, I only have one fallopian tube, THE LEFT ONE! AND we transferred two embryos. You connect the dots.
I am desperately trying not to be overly concerned. However, another concern that I feel cannot be overlooked is that my RE does not do embryo transfers with ultrasound guidance, only with " clinical touch" after he makes notes from your trial transfer. I asked where the sono was before my transfer and he said he does not believe their use is always warranted. I sure hope he put those embryos in the correct spot and not too near my left fallopian tube, giving it a greater chance to "wander".
I am praying, praying the pains go away and do not progress. My ectopic was so so painful, both physically and emotionally. I don't know that I could endure having to lose my other tube through another surgery, endure the loss of another baby, and only have a 66% chance that my uterine pregnancy would continue to advance after I had to undergo surgery.
You better bet I will be calling my RE first thing Monday morning or before then it the pain becomes more painful or more consistent.
May God heal whatever it is that I'm feeling and provide us with an overwhelming peace that only He can provide.
Given my history with the damage to my fallopian tubes, I was well aware going into IVF there was a greater risk for me to have another ectopic or heterotopic pregnancy. For those that many not know, a heterotopic pregnancy is when there is a normal pregnancy in the uterus and there is also a second pregnancy outside of the uterus, 85% of which are in one of the fallopian tubes, Well, I only have one fallopian tube, THE LEFT ONE! AND we transferred two embryos. You connect the dots.
I am desperately trying not to be overly concerned. However, another concern that I feel cannot be overlooked is that my RE does not do embryo transfers with ultrasound guidance, only with " clinical touch" after he makes notes from your trial transfer. I asked where the sono was before my transfer and he said he does not believe their use is always warranted. I sure hope he put those embryos in the correct spot and not too near my left fallopian tube, giving it a greater chance to "wander".
I am praying, praying the pains go away and do not progress. My ectopic was so so painful, both physically and emotionally. I don't know that I could endure having to lose my other tube through another surgery, endure the loss of another baby, and only have a 66% chance that my uterine pregnancy would continue to advance after I had to undergo surgery.
You better bet I will be calling my RE first thing Monday morning or before then it the pain becomes more painful or more consistent.
May God heal whatever it is that I'm feeling and provide us with an overwhelming peace that only He can provide.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Food for Thought for Fellow Infertiles
I am well aware that using the euphemism " infertile" to describe myself and others who are or have had difficulty achieving pregnancy is jaded, not PC at all, and grossly obtuse. However, I almost kinda look at this label as an ironic joke. So no judgements, please.
As a woman who has literally WORKED to achieve pregnancy, and one who has had to look at her husband's mournful and and utterly heartbroken face as we starred at yet another pregnancy test with only one line, and as someone who has had to wrestle with the overwhelming feeling I was letting my husband down by not being able to give him chidren, as someone who has cried more tears than I ever thought I had in me, and as someone who has prayed AND yelled at God more than I ever thought humanely possible, as someone who was forced to abort her very first precious, heart-altering pregnancy, and as someone who has had expecations and the deepest desires ripped from her possession, I promise to never ever undermind the feelings of my fellow "infertiles".
I promise not to talk about my pregnancy flamboyantly in front of you, I promise not to post pictures of my first home pregnancy test or baby bump pictures on my Facebook page, I promise not to talk about what kind of carseat we're going to buy with you, I promise I won't get mad if you don't come to my baby shower or even distance yourself from me, I promise to always to remember your journey and to be respectful of your hurts and disappointments through your journey to become a mom. I promise I will always try to be as mindful as possible of your specific needs and try to be the best friend that I can be. I promise to never forget my own journey and the angst that was my daily existence for so long.
Every couple's journey with infertility looks drastically different with regard to procedures, medications, failures and successes, but what we all share is a deep desire to be called Mom and Dad . This invariably takes us through valleys of deep sorrow and offers a traverse to new perspectives and a greater understanding of ourselves and our relationship with God. This is something that we will always have in common: a unique unspoken bond that will bring us all together and allow us to have a keen understanding of one another. It is for this reason that I promise to always safeguard your feelings and be mindful of where you are in your journey. I have been so blessed to have "senior" infertile friends lift me up in some of my darkest and saddest moments in my infertility journey and it is one of my deepest hopes that when I'm on higher ground I can be the same to you.
As a woman who has literally WORKED to achieve pregnancy, and one who has had to look at her husband's mournful and and utterly heartbroken face as we starred at yet another pregnancy test with only one line, and as someone who has had to wrestle with the overwhelming feeling I was letting my husband down by not being able to give him chidren, as someone who has cried more tears than I ever thought I had in me, and as someone who has prayed AND yelled at God more than I ever thought humanely possible, as someone who was forced to abort her very first precious, heart-altering pregnancy, and as someone who has had expecations and the deepest desires ripped from her possession, I promise to never ever undermind the feelings of my fellow "infertiles".
I promise not to talk about my pregnancy flamboyantly in front of you, I promise not to post pictures of my first home pregnancy test or baby bump pictures on my Facebook page, I promise not to talk about what kind of carseat we're going to buy with you, I promise I won't get mad if you don't come to my baby shower or even distance yourself from me, I promise to always to remember your journey and to be respectful of your hurts and disappointments through your journey to become a mom. I promise I will always try to be as mindful as possible of your specific needs and try to be the best friend that I can be. I promise to never forget my own journey and the angst that was my daily existence for so long.
Every couple's journey with infertility looks drastically different with regard to procedures, medications, failures and successes, but what we all share is a deep desire to be called Mom and Dad . This invariably takes us through valleys of deep sorrow and offers a traverse to new perspectives and a greater understanding of ourselves and our relationship with God. This is something that we will always have in common: a unique unspoken bond that will bring us all together and allow us to have a keen understanding of one another. It is for this reason that I promise to always safeguard your feelings and be mindful of where you are in your journey. I have been so blessed to have "senior" infertile friends lift me up in some of my darkest and saddest moments in my infertility journey and it is one of my deepest hopes that when I'm on higher ground I can be the same to you.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
The 4 P's of Marriage
This is something that I wanted to save, as these 4 P's of Marriage are something that Kevin and I strive to work by and always be mindful of. This will originally spoken to the husbands, but it's great for both sides of the couple to live by.
1. Provide
2. Protect them from all the little foxes that will eat away at the root sytem of your marriage
3. Please your spouse. Speak to them in their love language and see that they are pleased everyday
4. Peace. Provide peace in the home by communicating. An event + interpretation='s result. Having good communication will yield a peaceful environment
You can only control your interpretation of uncontrollable events. So make sure your interpretation is accurate and not muddled by broken thought processes and a jaded belief system
1. Provide
2. Protect them from all the little foxes that will eat away at the root sytem of your marriage
3. Please your spouse. Speak to them in their love language and see that they are pleased everyday
4. Peace. Provide peace in the home by communicating. An event + interpretation='s result. Having good communication will yield a peaceful environment
You can only control your interpretation of uncontrollable events. So make sure your interpretation is accurate and not muddled by broken thought processes and a jaded belief system
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Can the Days Go By Any Slower?
So as of today I'm still pregnant---whoo hoo! This, of course, makes me insanely happy. I don't have any news other than I CANNOT wait until our first ultra sound in a week! oh my goodness--the wait is creeping by and is on the verge of becoming painful. But I guess it's still not as painful as not being pregnant. So I suppose I should quit my whining and enjoy today. It's not so much that I want the ultrasound to hurry and get here because I think something is wrong with the baby(s), which of course I hope this isn't the case, it's just that I want to lay to rest, " is there one or two in there" thought that courses through my brain every 2 seconds! I'm feeling there is one in there for the record. Although when I pray over our pregnancy, I always pray for our babIES---plural. So who knows, maybe just wishful thinking.
Beyond this craziness that currently is my existence, things are good. I feel good and totally normal. Other than retaining fluid like nobody's business. Feeling really icky and bloated. It's from all the progesterone and all the water I drink. I sure wish some pregnancy symptoms would head my way! Well, I guess I should mention I had some cramping today...normal? Lord, please don't let me be a freak for my first pregnancy and worry myself to death over every single little twinge and pain. I want to enjoy my pregnancy and want to allow this to be a beautiful time. :)
Hopefully, people, I will write about something other than being infertile, going through IVF, or being pregnant at some point in the future. But for today, this is my life and where I am. But I apologize for the complete overkill.
Beyond this craziness that currently is my existence, things are good. I feel good and totally normal. Other than retaining fluid like nobody's business. Feeling really icky and bloated. It's from all the progesterone and all the water I drink. I sure wish some pregnancy symptoms would head my way! Well, I guess I should mention I had some cramping today...normal? Lord, please don't let me be a freak for my first pregnancy and worry myself to death over every single little twinge and pain. I want to enjoy my pregnancy and want to allow this to be a beautiful time. :)
Hopefully, people, I will write about something other than being infertile, going through IVF, or being pregnant at some point in the future. But for today, this is my life and where I am. But I apologize for the complete overkill.
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