I know I have touched on the very real truth in my life that my husband and I long to be called mom and dad, but the sad truth is that my body will not cooperate. There is a ton of emotions that attach themselves to your heart and life when you realize you are now labeled as "infertile" This label holds a lot of meaning for both husband and wife individually and for the husband and wife team. It is certainly a label I never thought I would have. And some days, even more crushing, this is not a label that I want my husband to have to wear. But he is so gracious and such a good supporter, and he completely owns this heart-wrenching reality as ours, and not as mine.
I guess I should catch you all up to speed on where we are on the fertilty journey before I start my newest blog. My husband I have just turned 30 years old and have been trying to get pregnant for the last year and a half. We jumped on seeking help from doctors in getting pregnant pretty much immediately, as I was told by my O.B. that he believed we would have difficulty in achieving pregnancy based on my history. So, that's what we did.
From there, our life quickly became sucked in to the 'fertilty treatment' blackhole: known to some as hell. We got to experience the joys of many, many Clomid cycles, injectable drugs, painful fertility tests, losing all modesty, IUI's, surgery, sonograms, antral follicle counts, dominant follicle size, uterus lining measurements, LH surges, hormones pills and injections, exposing my husband to waaaayy too much about the female body, basal temperatures, and MONEY, MONEY, MONEY--or should I say, where in the heck are we going to get the money to pay for all of this?!
Oh, and, of course, I can't forget about STRESS! The stress on our marriage, the stress of having to "perform" and losing spontaneity in the bedroom, as your sex is now planned out for you every month, the stress of a defeating negative pregnancy test every single month, the stress of experiencing short-term menopause from the fertility drugs every month, the emotional rollercoaster, the stress of some of our family not being supportive of our deep hurt and very real hardship, or having them wonder 'what's wrong with her body'. The stress affected every single aspect of our life. And what is the one thing you DON'T need when you are trying to achieve pregnancy??? You guessed it...STRESS! This is a cruel existence.
In the midst of all of the many things we tried to achieve pregnancy while working with two reproductive endocrinologists, we also tried other things as well. I did accupuncture, I change my diet to all low-glycemic goods, did internal cleanses, I went to a nutrionist, holistic doctors, took various supplements, herbal concoctions, and tried so many crazy things per some doctor's advice, I became an insane looney. We spent soooo much money and time, it was crazy! Despite my type A personality, even I became bitter with the process and realized this was not something I could control. I gave it all up--other than just working with one doctor---like a normal person would do. :)
Keep in mind, all the while, I am doing my very best to stay on my knees before God. But my heart was breaking a little more by the day and my spirit was so so weary. I was sad and depressed. It was a very dark time. I withdrew from most things. My day-to-day consisted of an unhappy existence with God and my husband. Oh, how I never want to go back here. I was in a dark valley grasping for a 'why' and answers. I'm still not a 100%, but my placement is sooo much brighter and hopeful. I'm so thankful to be on ground that sits a little higher.
Our latest heartbreak was finally getting pregnant! Paradoxical, right? We did an IUI cycle in February and found out we were pregnant in March. But it was plagued from the very beginning with very low betas. I will touch on this heartbreak in depth at a later time, but for now I will condense the saga. We finally learned we were losing the baby--our beloved first, we then learned it was ectopic, we had no choice but to terminate the pregnancy--which completely ripped our hearts straight out from our chests'--- which took about 6 weeks to complete (BRUTAL), I then had surgery to remove the mangled fallopian tube our baby was stuck in---and I'm now 5 weeks post surgery. And we're moving to IVF.
So... the journey continues...at least a little while longer..
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