A New Beginning

As I was laying around all weekend, I had plenty of time to go off on random thought tangents. And one of them I found rather compelling.

We are now in March. It was in March of last year that I was dealing with heart wrenching devastation. And it was this same month last year that would mark the beginning of a loooong, grueling, painful, and beautiful year. So March 2012 marks both an end and a new beginning for me as a woman and for us as a couple.

In the last 12 months my body, heart, and mind have been through hell. Of course 9 months of this year I have been pregnant, so I'm certainly not saying there has been no good in the last 12 months, but I've definitely had to fight every step of the way it feels.

Last February, 2011, we did an IUI (intrauterine insemination) cycle using injectable drugs with an RE. I responded nicely to the medications, I had three follicles. Kevin's semen analysis was again rock star quality (He loves to tell people this), so we were feeling pretty optimistic about getting pregnant. Nervous, but optimistic. The day of the insemination, after it was complete, I remember laying on the table for my mandatory 15 minutes in the docs office praying non stop. Praying over what was hopefully taking place inside my body at that very moment and for what would need to happen during the next 48 hours.

It was in March 2011 that we got the call that I had a positive beta. We were pregnant! Whooo hoooo! My first pregnancy, our first pregnancy. God must have been honoring my prayers. But the excitement was short lived as I was told my beta was only in the 20's--very low. Too low. This meant it was probably not a healthy pregnancy. I was crushed. But we still clung to hope and rejoiced with excitement. I remember telling myself that no matter the outcome of the pregnancy, this baby and life deserved to be honored for all of its days. So I prayed over our sweet baby, I made sure to eat a 'pregnancy diet', I dreamed about holding and loving our baby, and I was excited about the life growing inside of me. Our baby deserved this from its Mamma. So I cautiously laid out my heart for our baby.

And so it began for us. I had just started a brand new job that I was super excited about and now I was facing a huge potential loss and having to drive to my docs office every 48 hours for blood draws so they could monitor my beta (hcg) levels, which would give us all a better indication of the health of the pregnancy. The waiting for results every 48 hours was truly agonizing. I was a wreck. I dreaded yet begged for the phone to ring, hoping it was my docs office. But I also hoped it was good, miracle news. I knew the stats were against us though.

I eventually started having terrible pains and also began spotting. So it was confirmed, this was definitely not going to be our take home baby. I was in the docs office every other day, either giving blood or getting sonograms. The pain and bleeding continued. I went in for a sonogram at 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant, about the earliest they can see a heart beat in the uterus. There was nothing in the uterus. Not just no heart beat, but no gestational sac. The internal sonogram was extremely painful, which was not normal. The reason: the doc discovered I was pooling a lot of blood into my abdomen and behind my uterus. Nothing could be visualized inside my fallopian tubes, but given all other evidence, it was concluded I had a right sided ectopic pregnancy in my fallopian tube. My betas were very high at this point, the poor embryo was trying to grow and survive, but was just in the wrong location of my body.

There is no way to save an ectopic pregnancy and, of course, as many people know, if an ectopic pregnancy ruptures a fallopian tube it can be life threatening for the Mom and requires immediate surgery. The only way to avoid this is to get Methotrexate injections to terminate the pregnancy. This is a drug used in chemotherapy treatments as it blocks folic acid, which is what all rapidly dividing cells require to keep replicating and dividing, whether that be a cancer or an embryo. So by blocking folic acid, the pregnancy cannot progress. After having Methotrexate in the body, due to its caustic and deadly effects on an embryo/future pregnancies, it was mandated that I wait 12 weeks before proceeding with anymore fertility treatments. My RE wanted to make sure the drug was completely out of my system before there was a chance I could be pregnant again. Uhg. I haaaated hearing I would have to wait 12 weeks! This seems like an eternity to an infertile.

However, this was essentially our only option, but, man, it was heart breaking to sign consent for these injections.  Even though I knew the baby I was carrying would never have the opportunity to lay in my arms, the mere thought of destroying it and having it permanently removed from my body was brutal. I will never forget that day. I was a wreck. I don't even think I can describe the ache in my heart. It came from a very unique place, a very unique place as a woman.

So I got too big ol' shots in my hips and we then waited. Waited for the drugs to stop the development of the embryo. This would be confirmed by continuing with getting my betas checked every 48 hours until it reached zero. The process of making sure the pregnancy was completely dissolved and would no longer pose a health threat to me would end up taking a full 6 weeks after I received the injections. This meant that for six weeks I had to go into my fertility clinic, give blood, wait on phone calls with sad news all to confirm that our first baby was essentially being dissolved as planned. It was a sad, sad time. I think I spiraled emotionally.

Not only was the emotional toll enormous for me, but I bled for 6 weeks straight, which was a constant reminder, and I was in pain from all the swelling and bleeding from the damage done to my fallopian tube. I am soo glad this experience has passed.

After my doc finally got my hormones back on track with hormonal supplementation, the bleeding finally stopped. And finally after about 6 weeks my betas were at zero. This meant I was officially done with the pregnancy as far as the embryonic cells went. But the emotional scar would be permanent.  It was at this point I discussed with my doc the damage to my right fallopian tube and the risk of this happening again in the same tube now that it was certainly grossly malformed from all the trauma. My doc agreed that this tube would certainly be a liability for me as we continued to try and conceive and told me it would not be a bad idea to have my right fallopian tube removed, as it would probably never be able to function normally again.

So it was after the bleeding stopped, all the pain was gone, the pregnancy was confirmed no longer, and after my cycle returned to normal on its own that we decided to proceed with surgery to remove my fallopian tube. I believe this was at the end of April or early May 2011. The doc and I made a deal that once he was able to view my fallopian tube and assess the damage once in surgery, he would only remove the tube if was deemed to look abnormal. What he found was grossly abnormal and severely damaged. I had an exploratory surgery 6 months prior to look for any internal abnormalities that were maybe preventing us from getting pregnant, so I have pictures from surgery of this same fallopian tube pre and post the ectopic pregnancy. It looked perfectly normal prior and mangled afterwards. He also found large amounts of scar tissue and adhesions that had formed inside my pelvic cul-de-sac and around my fallopian tubes and uterus from all the bleeding and trauma that had ensued. So the doc removed the right fallopian tube and cleaned up as much of the internal scarring as he could, as these adhesions and scarring can certainly interfere with me ever getting pregnant on my own in the future. Although we know it's a long shot anyway. But, of course, it's my prayer that we will one day get pregnant naturally on our own.

The day I came home from surgery after knowing I had just really lost a part of my fertility was another very hard blow for me. A piece of my reproductive system was actually gone. This made me feel even more like a failure as a women who already couldn't get pregnant. And with the loss of my right fallopian tube, it was now even more unlikely I would ever fulfill this deep desire in my heart on my own.  So I continued to not be so great emotionally. But my physical healing was pretty much uneventful. I think in all of my sadness and due to the fact that I felt like we were losing time in the getting pregnant saga we were living in, I felt rushed. Rushed to get back to the drawing board with my RE and get a new plan together. I was ready to start a new cycle. He wouldn't allow me to return to anymore treatment cycles until I came in for my post op, until I had another normal cycle on my own after my surgery, and until the 12 weeks was up. I know it all seemed to have happened so quickly, it does even to me as I type it, but in moments of grief, trauma and desperation, time stands still.

It was after I healed from surgery that we moved forward with our first IVF cycle. We were a year of medicated cycles in at this point, and after our recent traumatic set back, we were ready to move forward full force, with the big guns. So I started an IVF cycle in June of 2011. Looking back, geez, my poor body got no break! Because we all know IVF cycles are tough on the body and aren't a picnic.  For heavens sake, my body has been put through the ringer this past 12 months...and I have still birth to go!

The  IVF cycle lasted for 6 weeks. I won't even go into all the exact details of an IVF cycle, but it's riddled with doc appointments, tons of blood work, sonograms, tons and tons and tons of drugs, painful injections, anesthesia, a surgical procedure, an insemination, a boat load of cash, and more waiting and emotions than I care to remember.

But, it was in July 2011 that we learned all had paid off, we were pregnant with a healthy pregnancy that had great beta numbers. A lot of the drugs and medications continued, as did the sonograms, but I was eventually released to my regular OB for all follow up care. Yea!!!

As most of you know, given my history of a possible incompetent cervix, I was followed very closely from the very beginning of this pregnancy by my OB. I had doc visits and sonograms every two weeks, then every week for the duration of the pregnancy. I've gone into preterm labor three times and have been hospitalized each time, I was on bed rest for 8 weeks, I had issues with my right kidney, had kidney stones, gallbladder issues, and got very, very sick at one point, and more medications made their way into my body. So there was about an 8 week time frame of pure crappiness. Again, my poor, poor body. It needs a break!

But we've almost completed the circle. Here we are in March 2012, and we are about to meet our sweet baby: in the same month we lost our first baby one year ago. It has been a whirlwind of a year. It has been a year that I would loooove to forget for soo many reasons, yet a year that has brought immense healing and happiness to my heart. God has done amazing, and I mean amazing, things to mine and Kevin's hearts in this past 12 months. Kevin and I solidified our team mentality this past year, for sure. There were so many deeply personal things that took place over this last year that we could only really share with each other. So we leaned on one another along with God as our sole support to get us through---and here we are, more connected than ever and so filled with joy.

God has pulled us through an extremely difficult season. We have weathered it together with true grace and beauty. I can't imagine having to be so vulnerable with anyone else or having anyone other than Kevin have to watch me dig so deep into my spirit in order to get through this past year. There was a time when I was diggin' deep, looking for something within me to pull me through, and it felt like I had hit bed rock and I had nothing left in me to pull from. And I know it sure wasn't a pretty sight to see. It's been a truly defining time for each of us.

But now, the most beautiful part of the long 12 month wait---we get to meet our sweet baby. Our sweet baby that we have literally WORKED for! I have cried and cried and cried for this baby. I have been absolutely devastated for this baby. I have literally screamed out in pain for this baby. I have begged endlessly for this baby. I have prayed relentlessly for this baby. I have screamed and yelled at God over not giving me this baby a whole lot sooner. I have driven hundreds of miles all over the metroplex to different doctor appointments for this baby. I have been stuck with needles hundreds of times for this baby. I have had three surgeries for this baby and will probably have another to remove my gallbladder after I deliver. I have been poked and prodded endlessly for this baby. I have lost more sleep than I care to remember for this baby. I have pushed my body to its limits for this baby. We have made substantial financial sacrifice for this baby. I have lost muscle mass for this baby, for heavens sake!  I had to quit my job for this baby. I have gone months without being sexually intimate with my husband for this baby. And the list goes on and on. I have sacrificed for this baby. But through this,  an appreciation I cannot describe has grown for God, Kevin, myself and our baby. There are a lot of take-aways from this experience, but one of them is this: God, Kevin and myself are pretty dang awesome! Kevin and I are strong, we are defined by God-centered character, and we are gracious and thankful. And God, he will fill your cup, it's just that we often don't let him...even when we think we're being open to his guidance, we usually aren't. So if you can learn yourself well enough within the spectrum of your relationship with God and be able to discern when your own spirit is interfering with you receiving God's goodness and will for your life, you will find so much success. I certainly still don't do this well, but I do know how to do it, and having experience it is life changing.

If God has been trying to grow a sacrificial mother's heart in me, I think He can safely say the job is complete now.

The past 12 months have been so bitter sweet, but I really wouldn't trade any of it. I love new beginnings.