I haven't really shared too much on here about some of the important relationships I have with some people, and I'm not sure I'm ready to name names, but I'll still share the story from today. I was talking with someone whom I share a unique relationship with, a relationship in which I am guilty of holding too many expectations, because they are almost never met. As the conversation went on we began talking about what happened today at my doctor's appointment and I was noticeably upset and tearing up while sharing. My heart was just sad and concerned.
I was explaining that I know one day I will have had more time to process going through this whole infertility journey and all the struggles and growths it has offered and look back and say, " Wow, I'm really thankful I went through that because..blah..blah..blah.." But as it is now, it is still too raw as we've gone from one whirlwind to another, back to back. So there has been no downtown for me to process, heal or gain a long term perspective. I know it will happen in time, but that's not where I sit today because we went from:
Can't get pregnant to fertility treatments to surgeries to recovering from the ectopic that cost us our first baby to IVF to getting pregnant to worrying if we were going to make it through the first trimester to wondering how my cervix would hold up to finding out my cervix isn't looking good to wondering if we'll have a preemie or if we'll even have a baby at all at the end of this. It's been a flood of emotionally charged moments to process.
There has been no down time to build up some scars from some of the hurts, so when I heard that I would in fact have issues with an incompetent cervix it really shook me. I was angry, disappointed, and terribly worried and hurt all at once. Really? I wanted to say to the Lord, can't you just give me this pregnancy and let it be smooth so I can enjoy the fruits of our labor? It would certainly be nice, but God owes me nothing.
Anyway, I was explaining my hurt, sadness and worry over this issue to someone today and their response was to tell me that I was only focusing on the negatives instead of the blessings in the situation. I was told that I did not sound grateful to be pregnant. Are you freaking kidding me?! I'm not grateful?! Do you know me?! I wanted to scream, " How audacious can one be?! How dare you pass judgement on me and the journey I have been on that has formed my perspective. Of course I'm worried about this, of course I'm upset and crying, this could literally cause us to lose the baby!" Keep in mind it didn't help that this was all coming from someone who had no issue whatsoever in conceiving. I know I was probably a little sensitive in this moment and my response may be slightly exaggerated but there is still truth in how I feel about this person's very lame attempt in trying to, what, be helpful? I don't think so.
Again, this shows the ignorance of some people when it comes to the very unique journey of those who have overcome infertility. As a woman, I cannot tell you how deeply this struggle hurts you or shapes you. If nothing else, this person's response to me was nothing short of irresponsible and ignorant AND NOT THE RIGHT WORDS TO SHARE WITH ME.
Okay, off my soapbox.
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