The last couple of days have been tough for me. I'm feeling pretty down, emotional, my body hurts from laying around so much--my back is on fire, I'm irritable, and still battling a lot of let down.
I don't really feel like talking about all of those wonderful feelings at the moment, so I'm going to bypass all that. But I do want to mention some perspective I've gained.
I was doing some reading last night online and came across a forum with tons of women who were answering a questionnaire about their preemies. Each women was sharing at what gestational age their baby was delivered, what complications they dealt with in the NICU, including how long their NICU stay was, and what long term issues their baby battled after being released.
On this particular forum all of the women had babies that were delivered in their 28th week. Every single baby stayed in the NICU for 3 -7 months and all faced long term issues, with some of the minimal issues being asthma and being very prone to catching illnesses. Some of the more severe long term issues were cerebral palsy, deafness, blindness, requiring multiple surgeries, autism, and severe learning disabilities.
So, yes, 28 weekers can totally survive, but at what cost. How will their quality of life be. Is this what I want for our baby? Not at all. A really difficult 8 weeks of being on bed rest is nothing compared to having to watch your baby struggle to breath and fight for life for months, only for them to still have long term issues that will affect not only them but you and your husband for the rest of your lives thereafter. This is not what I want for our baby or for me and Kevin. So I am consciously choosing to do whatever I have to do in an effort to avoid this future.
I may not get to see the fruits of my labor just yet, but in a few weeks time I will. I am showing a mother's sacrifice for our baby by pushing through this crappy time. I know all the sadness and misery will be washed away the moment I lay eyes on our baby. I have to remember every second of the day that it is not natural for our baby to be held captive in some NICU incubator, I need to continue to be that incubator.
I've suffered through a lot emotionally and physically to get to the point to have this 27 week old baby growing inside of me. Why would I give up now. I'm at the finish line. It may feel like I'm running a long, drawn- out paced run that may never end, but I'm really in the final sprint, and need to muster some energy and strength and push through to make it across the finish line.
But it still makes me crazy. Mind over matter!
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