Insane

I think I can officially be labeled as insane...I know, I know, this may be a label I've already been wearing for some time now, but I think it's a true reality now if it wasn't in the past. My brain in full of thoughts-- things I want or need to do, I feel completely overwhelmed with anxiety that we can't plan anything in the next few months, everything is up in the air and can change at any moment, I can't get up to finish the nursery, my husband is a bed rest nazi, I'm not sure how I'm going to manage when Kevin goes back to work, there are some major concerns with Kevin's job that he will have to try to resolve after the first of the year that totally has me on edge, I'm worried about my next OB visit in two days--is my cervix stable, will my OB try to put me back into the hospital?? And the list goes on and on...

And I have nothing but time to sit here and think about all the things I can't do, all the things I'm missing out on getting to do while pregnant---all the things I have longed to do and dreamed I would do when pregnant. It's no surprise I'm a planner, so this new chain of events is severely cramping my Type A personality style. And I need to find a way to adapt---quickly. I don't handle change well. It always puts me in a whirlwind, I get down and negative for a bit, then I figure out a way to process it, accept it, and move forward. I'm not there yet, but I can tell I'm working on it.

It may seem pretty simple to those looking in. Just lay around, grow your baby and let everyone do everything for you. Well, I'm the queen of living in fairly tale land when it comes to having expectations. I always have high and very specific expectations for every event and every person in my life. This almost always leaves me disappointed and let down. This has been a work in progress in my life for some time, but, to-date, I still haven't figured out a way to not do this. So with this new event I'm still stuck in my old ways of thinking and I'm having a hard time working through it. But let me assure you, going through this is not just as simple as, "  Just lay around, grow your baby and let everyone do everything for you." What I'm working through is laced with multiple layers of needs, desires, expectations, disappointments, and lots of change that angers my personality type.

But I have no choice to find a way to work through it. Hopefully some resolution comes sooner rather than later. I serve an awesome God and having hope, which I have, is having confident expectation in God.