We have been married for three years. We both waited to get married until we were a little older than most. Between the both of us we dated way more than plenty of other people, fulfilled all of our desires to enjoy the night life, went to college, Kevin went to the Air Force just as he had planned, we both lived with plenty of roommates, coming and going as we pleased....we pretty much had ample time to get to know ourselves some, have a lot of fun, make plenty of mistakes, and prepare for a life long commitment..or so we thought.
Marriage is difficult. Yes, we are told that at every corner. But, today, we are mostly told that by those sitting on the anti-marriage bandwagon following societal and cultural dictation about what marriage is or isn't. They are so full of crap. They feed into our culture an immoral, sacrilegious, and dreadful woe about marriage that just isn't true. They demonize incorrect views about the roles of husband and wife, about how a married man thinks, about how a married women should treat her husband, how she should look..and the egregious list goes on and on and on. How in the world can a husband and wife team work uphill against the antagonistic view of marriage in our society?
You have to be committed at all costs, unwilling to waiver, have realistic expectations, and most importantly, you MUST view your spouse and serving your spouse in your marriage through the eyes of Christ. Not always will you take out the trash for your husband even though it may be "his" chore because you just really want to do something sweet for him, because we all know there are days that you don't love where you are in your marriage so you just gotta "faith it", but instead you take out the trash for him because you are being obedient to Christ through serving your spouse. We have immense duty to God and our spouses when we take our vows. So much bigger than most realize, I think. Your motto should always be, " What can I do to make his/her life better/greater/easier today." If you do this, success and blessings will find you.
On to the point, Kevin and I were hit hard with some big stuff after marrying. And it just seemed to keep coming..and coming...I was back in school, we couldn't get pregnant, Kevin was soon back in school, I was undergoing very time consuming and money consuming oral reconstruction surgeries, a process that lasted about a year and a half, we both were working full time, heavy family issues occurred, and it became apparent there was great disparity between our expectations for marriage and what marriage would look like. I went into a really low spot for a long while that only exacerbated the entire problem, and, of course, there was always money concerns with us both being is school, we had our four dogs, one of which required very expensive bone surgery--three times--then she got gravely ill after surgery from a MRSA infection, yes, the same one that kills humans, then she needed underwater treadmill therapy to recover properly...I write all this to show that we felt like it was always something..and we were breaking with each new event. We were overworked, overschooled, in a whirlwind after realizing we had some big issues with getting pregnant, and just mentally exhausted with everything happening in our life. We weren't prepared to handle the normal wave of life events that partners must tackle together. We were still involved in church and seeking God through it all but there was just a disconnect.
The uphill battle was feeling like too much. So we started seeing a Biblical counselor. We have been seeing her weekly ever since. Even when we felt like we were on the same page and we had finally found higher ground, we agreed to keep seeing her as we want to be the best we can be and, for us, she only helps to make us better as a functional unit. On this note, we both have grown immensely during the years we have spent pondering what it means to us and God to be married, what it should look like as we serve one another and work to become more Christ-like. The growth has been nothing short of pure beauty. When God is your center and he is your focus, wonderful things ensue. I love my husband more today than the day I heard the pastor say, " You may now kiss the bride."
We both have worked diligently together and separately to become the couple we are today, which is far from perfect as we are still able to identify many areas of opportunity in our marriage. I watched Kevin last week describe to our counselor as he cupped his hands as if holding water that he tries to view me like a baby bird sitting on the palms of his hands. A baby bird that he must protect and provide for at all costs. It was a beautiful moment as I listened to his genuine, heartfelt words pour from his mouth. My husband was on the edge of his seat describing with his hands and with such tenderness in his voice how he viewed one of his roles as my husband. Slow and steady wins the race, right.
Kevin is currently reading the book, " Understanding the Mind of a Women". It's writte from a biblical perspective and really speaks to men quite well from what I've heard. Every few days I will get an email from Kevin detailing something he has read that has really touched him or something he thinks is really applicable to him, me, or us. Here are some of those message excerpts from the book and Kevin:
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In Chapter 3 he speaks of “Four Male Prejudices”. The third prejudice is “When are inferior to men.” In this section he explains exactly why God created woman… Eve. In Genesis it explains that God created woman as a help meet… not helpmate. Our society, and translations of the Bible, has made it to mean that women were created to “help” their husbands. However, he explains it in the following manner…
“God, being able to see into the future, knew that after the Fall, He and Adam would be separated. Adam would then indeed be alone, separated from God. In anticipation of that event, God invented a helper, one who could serve to accomplish God’s purpose of reestablishing spiritual sensitivity.”
“God provided a man with a tangible, visible means of discerning whether or not he is on track about becoming more and more like Christ and sensitive in his spirit to the Spirit of God.”
“Basically, God is saying, “After the Fall, I know you won’t have a clue about what godliness is, so I’m providing you with a helper. This helper will provide you with a means of measuring whether or not you are becoming more and more like what I want you to be, spiritually alive and functional. Christ is your example and the way. Then as you become more Christlike, you will also be furnishing your wife with the leadership that provides an example worth following. Together you can reestablish the spirit-to-spirit relationship with God that was lost.”
Final thought: Becoming like Christ is not something that happens overnight, but something that will take time. I need you to KINDLY remind me when I may do something that is not consistent with my journey of growing to be Christlike.
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The paragraphs below prompted thought in me this morning. The chapter is regarding Desirable Qualities in a Man. These paragraphs are under the third desirable quality, “He Is Sensitive to Her and Other People”.
“Emotions are difficult for most men to register because they are experienced for only a couple of seconds. Repeatedly, I have to take men back and introduce them to their own emotions as part of the process of validating emotions. As a man experiences his emotions and gives them credibility, he begins to see their value. He is ignorant about his own emotions, and thereby ignorant about his wife’s. But to get into her heart, to appear sensitive to his wife, he has to value her emotions and honor them as valid.
Beyond that, I have to help a man see that his lack of awareness of his emotional condition makes it almost impossible for him to recognize how insensitive he is in the eyes of his wife. A man may be aware of insensitivity in others long before he recognizes how insensitive he is.”
Takeaway: I need to be able to recognize and understand my own feelings and emotions, before I can truly understand and validate yours. Hopefully, I will learn this during my walk with God.
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As a man, I am used to doing things myself, my way. So I am literally telling you, “Whenever you see me making decisions that don’t include you, and whether or not you are going to be involved in it, please let me know your thinking.”
I have to admit that my flesh has a non-inclusive attitude of selfishness. I pray that God blesses me through you by revealing un-Christlike attitudes in my heart. My tendency is to be much more exclusive than I may realize.
How God is so faithful!
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