The Long Road Home: Oh Tell Me it Isn't So

If I beg will you please tell me it isn't so?! My sweet, darling boy is naturally weaning, on his terms. :( This has been slowly coming since right around the 12 months mark, but I have worked diligently to hold it off as best I can. I'm not even sure I'm ready to talk about it publicly, quite frankly, it's so devastating. He abruptly started refusing all nursing sessions other than the first of the day right after waking up in the morning. So we still have one left, but the other times he should be nursing, once in the afternoon, and once in the evening, it's a no-go. I still offer multiple times a day, but he give me a for sure 'no', won't even consider getting close to latching, and just giggles, laughs, and pushes away when I try to offer. :( To say this breaks my heart is an understatement. I spent a fair portion of last week and this past weekend in tears leaving my husbands to pick up my shattered heart. Poor hubs, he totally tried to 'get it', but he really just doesn't get why it's such a big deal. I've spent hundreds of hours nourishing loving, cuddling, changing my whole world and schedule to revolve around making sure I could always breast feed on demand, and fighting through some hell to breastfeed this boy. It has become my temporary identity for the past year. So, yes, I'm mourning. Yes, naturally, I'm also a dramatic personality type, but, nonetheless, my emotions are still real and present.

Preston will definitely stay on breast milk only for a while longer, but will just be getting 2/3 of his milk intake from a cup rather than the breast. Needless to say we have had no choice but to ramp up the speed on getting him super comfy with a cup. So I offer it all throughout the day; I want to make sure during this transition he stays hydrated He's doing great with his cup, too. This change was fairly abrupt. One day last week he was nursing three times a day normally, then the next he only nursed once and refused all other attempts, and it continued. According to my LC natural baby led weaning can occur between 12-24 months. Must this really be what's happening?! I've tried all my LCs tips and tricks and taken everything out of my diet/supplements that may be even the slightest bit ' different' or new, and it has had no impact. :( So I'm going to keep offering the breast, per my LC's recommendation, and just keep going with the cup and follow his lead. Mr. P is 13.5 months.

Yes, this means more freedom and one step closer to trying for baby #2, but I LOVE nursing like, really really love it. More importantly, I love nursing Preston and spending that time with him. I couldn't get pregnant, but I could nurse. Yes, I'm draggin' along my baggage here, but I will for some time. That's just how it is. So this does kill my heart. But I can't force him, and I will let him evolve as he sees fit. I prayed heavily this weekend for a joyful and content heart through this transition and God really blessed me. I'm in no way 'over' it, but I'm no longer full of dreadful sorrow. :) No, my world will not come to an end, I realized.

Funny thing is that one of my recent prayers, within the last month, was for God to make the weaning process cut-and-dry, with no questions about it; with with such an emotionally charged topic, there couldn't be any ambiguity is what I told God. I needed Him to use the good ol' band aide trick with me. I was very fearful of how I would handle forcefully weaning Preston when my goal of 18 months of nursing was reached so we can try for baby #2. I was already praying over that process, but I didn't think I could wean him if he wasn't ready and still nursing perfectly well. Well, God, in His typical fashion, handled it all for me. He's so good to me. Now, I don't have to force this on Preston. It's been taken care of for me. And so lovingly of God, He made sure this was all on Preston's terms and was a very peaceful transition for him. Thank you, God.

So I'm nursing Preston in the morning, and pumping three times a day, and giving him expressed breast milk in his cup for the rest of the day. This seems like a totally normal transition for him. He is happy, well adjusted, and acting like there is nothing different in his routine. He hasn't skipped a beat. This does make my heart incredibly happy.

New bedtime routine: last week we also began only rocking Preston for about five minutes and then laying him down in his crib awake to let him put himself to sleep. For the last year we have rocked him every time all the way to sleep. He was showing signs that he was ready for this to stop, so I gave it a whirl, and he sat right up in the crib once I laid him down, grabbed his stuffed bear whom he LOVES, and laid down and went to sleep. And he has done this for every sleep time since. I'm a firm believer in following your little one's lead, no matter their age, and if you do, transitions will be so easy. We have done this on introducing solids, sleeping matters, and now on weaning, and there has been no fuss.

On a side note, I had a tremendous Mother's Day. I will post pics of what Kevin and Preston made me for later. Love my boys. We had a great day of lunch at my favorite place, shopping, walking outside to enjoy the beautiful weather and spent all day together relaxing. Great day! I am so so so thankful. But my heart did not forget about all the sweet ladies out there who dread Mother's Day and avoid restaurants and the like because their heart's hurt too much as they wait to see the precious face of their own baby. I am praying boldly for all of you!

Life is good, and all is well. Preston will finally be going to his first baseball game, a Ranger game, next week! He has his gear ready and Kevin got him a baseball so we can make a cute wall hanging with his first game ball, pictures, and ticket stubs. Soo exciting! Baseball is a huuuge deal in my family. So fun! I can hardly wait for the days of little league baseball. ...wait. .. He surely has to be weaned by then, doesn't he. Maybe I'm not ready for little league. LOL You lose one special thing to move on to a different something special, I guess.

I'm also throwing a baby shower this weekend for my sister-in-law. Most of the preparation for everything has fallen to me...and Preston...since he's my running around buddy, and it has been a lot of work. I'm actually right in the midst of all the 'fixins' right now. But it's going to be beautiful. I'm a little nervous because the venue in which it is being held, I'm not familiar with. So it's been quite the challenge to know what to buy to decorate with. But I hope it all turns out just as she envisions and it is a super special day for her as we celebrate her sweet girl-to-be, Miss Dawson. I'll post pics of the shower soon, too.

I hope all is well in all of your corners of the world. Much love to all of you.